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AIBU?

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Original poster

Oh still hasnt asked me to marry him:(

276 replies

Changeusername · 09/12/2017 21:33

feel so down Sad and i know im going to get roasted for posting this.

Oh and I have been together 10 years. We have a house , pets and a new dc to add to the family Smile . We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

His previous relationship he was engaged but it all fell apart - thankfully or we wouldnt have our life we have just now. They were together a few years before he popped the question.

I hate the fact i have a different surname from dc. I feel like an outsider in my own family. We've talked about marriage and both want it - its more than a name change to me.

I just don't think it is ever going to happen and it just makes me sad.

I guess my aibu is - - ambi wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 01/01/2018 05:14

I am not sure really, some people do feel the need to be married it seems. I suppose that you could be the one to propose, instead of the old fashioned man proposal

I was always kind of thinking, that my daughter would get married, no big issues with me though, She is 41 now, has two boys, my grandsons, and has been with her lovely partner for many years now, 17 years I think. My used to be dream of a daughters white wedding has faded away now, but she is truly happy with her partner, their sons, and her life.

givemesteel · 01/01/2018 05:23

OP, I think you have to accept that the romantic proposal ship has sailed. You've been together 10 years, he's not going to do it and now you have a kid, house etc together there's less and less incentive for him.

I get that it is nicer and more validating to be asked but in the nicest possible way you need to grow up a bit and do what you need to do to protect your own interests.

You need to pin him down on a date in 2018 to get married and then do it. If he is reluctant to then you need to seriously question your relationship as he doesn't have your interests at heart.

Having a lovely wedding with all your friends and family there is great, I did it 3 years before I got pregnant. But if I had had dc before I got married it would now make me wake with a cold sweat with worry and I'd just want to get the legal recognition.

Original poster
Changeusername · 01/01/2018 14:02

Thanks for your resposes folks. Last night after wishing each other happy new year i asked ' so when are we going to get married ' and he replied with 'soon' .

Step in the right direction at least . Star

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2018 14:13

I think he has a plan x

OldPony · 01/01/2018 14:16

You should have said, Great, I'll book the venue for before Easter!

He fobbed you off, mate.

Cappella · 01/01/2018 14:20

Well he's definitely had enough hints hasn't he? He could have seized the moment and got down in one knee there and then, rather than leaving you hanging. Maybe he wants to get the ring first though and will do so this week? Send him some links for rings you like - why not? Good luck!

RedDogsBeg · 01/01/2018 14:23

Sorry, OP I don't think that's a step anywhere let alone the right direction he is just fobbing you off again.

GabriellaMontez · 01/01/2018 14:29

Tell him what you want with specifics. And how you feel.

Your only chance of a romantic proposal is to ask for one. I know this seems to defeat the object a little but its worth a thought?

What about this? " I've been thinking about when I want to get married. I'd like a romantic proposal in January and a summer wedding. It makes me feel sad that we haven't done this yet, despite having a child and being together so long?"

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 01/01/2018 14:32

Um no op, I’m sorry but he’s fobbed you off.
Why aren’t you worth more than this? Plus how do you make decisions about anything if you can’t talk about things?
I hope you get what you want. Unfortunately I think ‘soon’ is not the answer you think it is, i’m sorry Flowers

GottadoitGottadoit · 01/01/2018 14:38

He doesn’t seem very keen does he?

OrinocoDugong · 01/01/2018 14:38

He is fobbing you off.
I don't think he is the man you thought he is.

WineIsMyMainVice · 01/01/2018 14:39

That’s great op!

MadMags · 01/01/2018 14:44

It’s starting to sound like he’s going to propose to shut you up!

This makes for uncomfortable reading!

Original poster
Changeusername · 01/01/2018 15:00

Thats what i dont want to happen madmags which is probably why i've been wary of talking to him about it also.

I would say he knows what I want so I have to leave it at that and either hope he proposes or accept it if he doesnt .

We do communicate well in all other aspects of our relationship and we work well together.

Will just have to see what happens...

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 01/01/2018 15:04

Ask him if you can go shopping for rings, and ask if he wants a wedding ring, then also ask him if he wants a hot wedding or winter one...

Original poster
Changeusername · 01/01/2018 15:06

Thats one thing we have spoken about mummy years ago with the 'if we get married' type convos . He hates heat. So guess summers out lol

OP posts:
Kahlua4me · 01/01/2018 15:08

Why not take the bull by the horns and say, “right, let’s get this show on the road. What about surprising everybody and getting married in 6 weeks time?”

Then you can get married before trying for another baby. Job done 😀😀

RedDogsBeg · 01/01/2018 15:10

It's not a good sign if you've been together 10 years and the pair of you can't talk something as simple as getting married (or not). There's wariness, silence and annoyance instead of open and honest communication, doesn't bode well OP.

Soon to me reads as if he is knows exactly what he needs to say to keep you quiet.

mummmy2017 · 01/01/2018 15:56

Ask him how he feels about an Easter wedding, low key friends and family and a do afterwards...

otherwise your waiting for next winter...

Lashalicious · 01/01/2018 18:51

Reading through the comments. Just because some people didn’t get the proposal and the romance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t! Yet some are saying “you don’t need the proposal” or the nice wedding or the romance. They didn’t get it. That’s them. You, op, want those things and no reason why you can’t have them now even with already sharing a house and child. I truly do not understand your mindset, op. What in the world are you afraid of? I would not dream of being afraid of telling my husband, or before we were married, what I thought and what I wanted ESPECIALLY about marriage and all that. Do you not realize that if he is really the one, then you don’t have to agonize like this? That’s the mark of the one, (especially after TEN years!) is that you don’t worry and agonize and fret over this stuff. Go right on up to him, look him in the eye, and say “I want the romance of a nice proposal with you down on one knee; I want a beautiful dress and wedding; I want to be married; I shouldn’t have to spell this out for you after TEN years; I want to be with someone who wants to make me happy and that I don’t have to be afraid to talk to. Are you that person? Start talking and I don’t want another super short conversation that goes nowhere.” Op, you’re not even addressing what some of us are saying, who are very happily married and got the romance, the romantic proposal on one knee, the ring, the dress, the wedding, it sounds like you are deathly afraid of him! You sound subservient to him. He knows he can cut you off at the pass. He knows you will accept whatever. He knows and that’s why he’s not giving you an answer. Because he knows he doesn’t have to. Let that sink in. Have respect for yourself. If you don’t respect yourself enough to clearly speak up about your very reasonable desires, then why do you expect him to?

ferntwist · 01/01/2018 19:20

Excellent post Lash! Hear hear!

Enidthecat · 01/01/2018 19:30

Sorry op but "soon" is bollocks. I've heard soon pronably a hundred times and we've been together 5 years and we've got an almost two year old.

OrinocoDugong · 01/01/2018 23:39

What Lash said

19lottie82 · 01/01/2018 23:46

I’m sorry but him saying “soon” is open ended and a total brush off!

Why do you need “a proposal”?
If he wants to get married “soon”, then call the registers office and see what dates they have, and which one you think would be realistic, in which to organise a small wedding. Then ask him if you should go ahead and book it, because you want to be married to him.

If he says no, then there’s your answer.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/01/2018 00:22

Unless this man is unbelievably dense, he knows perfectly well that you want to get married, yet he is shutting down your attempts to discuss it and fobbing you off.
He may be planning a romantic proposal, but it doesn't sound particularly likely given that Christmas and NYE are popular times for proposing and he hasn't done anything about it.
It's more likely that he doesn't particuarly want to get married (either because he is aware that there is no benefit to him in marrying, or because he doesn't want to marry you.) But he doesn't want you to leave, either, so he will just stall and stall with vague promises until you give up and accept that marriage is not happening, or you decide you've had enough, and leave. When you first threaten to leave, he may well propose, but he won't allow any progress towards an actual wedding to start happening...

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