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AIBU?

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Original poster

Oh still hasnt asked me to marry him:(

276 replies

Changeusername · 09/12/2017 21:33

feel so down Sad and i know im going to get roasted for posting this.

Oh and I have been together 10 years. We have a house , pets and a new dc to add to the family Smile . We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

His previous relationship he was engaged but it all fell apart - thankfully or we wouldnt have our life we have just now. They were together a few years before he popped the question.

I hate the fact i have a different surname from dc. I feel like an outsider in my own family. We've talked about marriage and both want it - its more than a name change to me.

I just don't think it is ever going to happen and it just makes me sad.

I guess my aibu is - - ambi wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
peachypetite · 09/12/2017 21:50

Why not just sit him down and ask if he's serious about marriage. If so skip the proposal, set a date and go from there.

maxthemartian · 09/12/2017 21:51

I really would urge unmarried women to think carefully before agreeing to give any children their DP's surname.

MonumentalAlabaster · 09/12/2017 21:52

It would mean a lot that HE wants me to be part of his family

You are the mother of his child so you are already part of his family.
The marriage would formalise that. Tell him this is what you want and see what he says.

Original poster
Changeusername · 09/12/2017 21:52

parker I didnt want us to have abig falling out over it to be honest however thats something i didn't want for my DC.

Growing up I didnt even have my fathers surname on the birth certificate so I had my mothers maiden name. This again got changed when my mother married. I didn't want DC to have name changes like I've had.

I guess allot of it comes from feeling like I've never belonged, I've just fitted in. If he asked me to marry him, the man I loved, I would belong.

Darn that felt deep. Confused

OP posts:
pigletpie29 · 09/12/2017 21:54

My nearly three year old realised today that I had a different name and said I want the same name as you Mummy. We laughed it off because - you know what- it doesn't make the blind bit of difference to whether you're their mum or not. It's just a name.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 21:54

All this bullish, just get married.what if he doesn’t want to get married,that’s permissible
I never wanted to get married,had kids unmarried.just never wanted marriage
Unmarried doesn’t = lack commitment. Just tie up the legal stuff, eg mortgage
Why did you give the kids his name?why not double barrel?

Butterymuffin · 09/12/2017 21:54

If you've talked about it and agree you both want marriage, that's the hard part done. Why not say over Christmas 'we should make it our new year's resolution to set a date for our wedding' or even just 'let's get married in 2018'?

BewareOfDragons · 09/12/2017 21:54

Just tell him you're booking the registry office for a small wedding ceremony; who does he want to invite?

TroubledTribble28 · 09/12/2017 21:55

I told my childhood sweetheart we were getting married when we were broke and on the train home from Wetherspoons op now DH very much wanted me to be part of his family and was chuffed that I told asked him, give it a go.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 21:57

No don’t book a registry office and lay down the law.that is awful
You must allow him to exert a choice,not be shuvved into marriage
What if he says he’s ok thanks,doesn’t want to marry you, what then

Migraleve · 09/12/2017 21:58

I don't get this at all. You have discussed it and both want it so why do you need to wait for a proposal? You have already agreed!

Rainbowandraindrops67 · 09/12/2017 21:59

You need to talk to him - not to ‘set a date’ but what you’ve said on here about how important it is to you, how it would make you feel you belong etc and then sit back and wait
If you’ve really and truly stressed how important it is to you then he should step up - or at least make you feel better in some way
Talk to him - say being married is important to you since your child

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:00

He’s verbally agreed,sure. But IMO if he wanted to get married he’d have done it

TheHolidayArmadillo · 09/12/2017 22:01

Talk to him about actually getting married. Stop waiting for a proposal.

BuzzKillington · 09/12/2017 22:02

I have been married for 22 years. But if my dh was not the proposing kind, we'd still be unmarried. I just couldn't have asked him in a million years. We wouldn't have had children before we were married either.

Ridiculous, I know. But the traditional order of things means a lot to us.

iamghosted · 09/12/2017 22:02

My DH didn’t want to marry me. I pushed and pushed and he married me.

I should have just left.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/12/2017 22:03

Your actions show that you aren't all that fussed about marriage. Many woman wouldn't buy a house and have a planned DC with a man who hadn't at least proposed. Fine you had your own reasons to do that, but combined it does give the impression that while you might like to get married, it's not something you think is particularly important.

You do need to spell it out to him that you do care about it. He's not a mind reader.

RestingGrinchFace · 09/12/2017 22:06

YABU. You started a family with him without waiting for a proposal/making a proposal. While marriage is important (at the very least for your own leagal protection) this is very much a situation that you have created yourself sonit would be unreasonable for you to whine about it now.

londonrach · 09/12/2017 22:07

What invisible said. I told dh i wasnt going to buy house, have dc without marriage. I totally get what you saying. Ask him or if you discussed it start planning the wedding.

Migraleve · 09/12/2017 22:08

He’s verbally agreed,sure. But IMO if he wanted to get married he’d have done it

Well that works both ways.....

Original poster
Changeusername · 09/12/2017 22:08

If he didnt want to get married i would be fine with that. At least i would know where I stand. I would be abit annoyed though as he always said he would like to be married one day.

Part of me thinks though (i know i'm being stupid but cant help it) that he must have loved his ex more than he loves me if he had asked her to marry him.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 09/12/2017 22:10

I think marriage is important for practical reasons. But you have a house and a baby and a loving partner. I agree that's more important than marriage to some miserable pain who happened to do the right thing by proposing on bended knee. That's not important.

Battleax · 09/12/2017 22:10

But you've agreed you both want to get married. So get on with it Confused

PricklyBall · 09/12/2017 22:11

In the mean time, have you got as much of the legal paperwork sorted as possible? Mortgage and deeds to house in both names? Wills? Legal documentation to set each other up as next of kin?

Personally I wouldn't be much bothered about the romantic gesture side of things, though it clearly does matter to you so he should pull his finger out and do something (assuming you've let him know that it matters to you - as PP have said, you can't expect him to be a mind reader). But all women should worry about the legal and financial side of things - you don't want to be left high and dry in the event of separation or (god forbid) if he steps under a bus tomorrow.

Graphista · 09/12/2017 22:11

While it is unfair the fact is men are likely to be higher earners, own more capital and have better pensions. Current laws mean that by not marrying they protect these assets in the event of a split in the future. All he'd have to pay is the paltry amount the govt says he must in child maintenance and even then many men evade and avoid.

What benefit is it to him to marry is a good question. Because to be honest if you already live together, share costs, have DC who bear his name, I'm guessing you do the majority of the childcare and housework too.

The only legal issue for him is parental rights for the DC in the event of your death. Also any assets of yours in that event.

None of this is romantic but it is the reality.

He has no real reason to want to marry in practical terms. If he's not religious or conservative which sounds unlikely then that's not a motivating factor either.

There's several threads of this type running at any one time.

Honestly if marriage is important to you, then you need to find a way to make him realise and appreciate. Very difficult when you've nothing to bargain with.

If he genuinely wants to marry you he'll do it, there'll be no delays no excuses. So ask him to set a date, don't pussyfoot in your discussion.

For others reading this in ltr I would advise getting legal advice re finances, ensure in particular you keep a roof over your head, and as is said repeatedly on mn it's a bad idea in the current climate, economy and laws to have DC and especially to be a sahm without the legal protection of marriage.

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