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AIBU?

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Original poster

Oh still hasnt asked me to marry him:(

276 replies

Changeusername · 09/12/2017 21:33

feel so down Sad and i know im going to get roasted for posting this.

Oh and I have been together 10 years. We have a house , pets and a new dc to add to the family Smile . We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

His previous relationship he was engaged but it all fell apart - thankfully or we wouldnt have our life we have just now. They were together a few years before he popped the question.

I hate the fact i have a different surname from dc. I feel like an outsider in my own family. We've talked about marriage and both want it - its more than a name change to me.

I just don't think it is ever going to happen and it just makes me sad.

I guess my aibu is - - ambi wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Changeusername · 10/12/2017 13:53

We have one joint account for bills and mortgage. He is signatory on dcs account as we weren't allowed to have 2 for some strange reason.

I'm thinking I wait a couple months then bring it up. We have christmas and our anniversary coming up so you never know , he may well have something planned. If theres no movement then thinkni will be abit more firm in explaining that i want it to happen.

Yes i guess I do want the fairytale. Not necessarily a huge weddig but somewhere in between. When i hear that people spend 20k+ on weddings im like Shock

OP posts:
g1itterati · 10/12/2017 13:58

OP - you have been with this man 10 years. You have a child with him now. Just tell him you want him to propose! What are you worried about? He possibly has no idea it's even on your mind.

Oddish · 10/12/2017 14:14

When I was sad and frustrated about another discussion with DP about getting married and the ‘right time’ I posted about it on MN. Lo and behold that very night he proposed, with a beautiful ring and the kids told first, we are now happily planning our wedding. Hopefully the rule of posting about it then it happens works for you too Smile
On a serious note though, tell him exactly how you feel, about the connection, feeling being an outsider and legal protection. Lay it all out and give him 6 months, then lay it all out again. If it’s what you both want, you will get there. Best of luck OP Flowers

NameChange30 · 10/12/2017 15:10

Don’t wait and see if he proposes at Christmas or on your anniversary. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Woman up and talk to him ASAP, as most of us have suggested.

I don’t think you have to “just set a date” or propose to him, but you do need to tell him that you want to get married and if he still wants to, you’d love him to propose. If the conversation goes well you’ll be relieved and will be able to relax in the knowledge that he will propose. But maybe talk timescales so he’s not thinking within 3 years while you’re thinking 3 months.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 15:45

I think the passivity of waiting just in case he asks is a funny holding position
Ask him Straight when are we going to marry? Request a specified date,timeframe
If he can’t/won’t set a date then that’s your answer. And you both at least have had the conversation

annielouise · 10/12/2017 16:14

Is he at all romantic? If not, I can't see him giving you the proposal you want after you've asked for it. I think unless it's happened naturally from him it's a bit forced. Getting married on the other hand is different. You've discussed it, you've done all the other stuff that used to come after it, there's no reason not to be married. From his perspective he's probably thinking what's the point. From your perspective it will give you more security. I'd just say why don't we book a holiday for next year and while there get married. Tough one as I don't think you can force someone to be romantic if they're not. It clearly means a lot less to him than to you so I don't know how you can get all of what you want. I think you should push for the marriage not the romantic stuff. Hopefully he'll get his act together and do something romantic to please you enough.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 16:18

But he doesn’t have to marry op,not compelled to.he should at least give a definitive answer though
Straight yes we will marry or no I don’t want to,that’ll cover it

ConciseandNice · 10/12/2017 16:21

I asked my hubby to marry me, we got married 48 hours later. It was terribly romantic.

Set a date, organise it and surprise him. He has already chosen you to spend his life with. Go for it.

haveacupoftea · 10/12/2017 16:23

At this stage years in he is unlikely to
propose out of the blue. Talk to him.

DivisionBelle · 10/12/2017 16:41

"We have christmas and our anniversary coming up so you never know , he may well have something planned."

Be careful: Do not ruin these occasions hoping / expecting / waiting for a 'proposal'. Do not feel even more down if they pass as what they are - lovely occasions.

He isn't clairvoyant, you aren't communicating, just passively waiting, and would rather, it seems, not marry at all than marry because you have arranged it after a mutual discussion.

You are in danger of actually souring the whole relationship by this approach.

Nettletheelf · 10/12/2017 16:44

Do you truthfully believe that because a man and woman spend ten years living together, that means he has ‘chosen her to spend his life with’, or vice versa????

MrsFantastic · 10/12/2017 17:03

"He wouldn't see me or the kids go without" - famous last words - see the relationships and lone parents boards for what DOES usually happen - battling for every penny of maintenance, losing your home, car, furniture, jewellery, bank accounts emptied...

I agree. I volunteer for a charity and I always ask in my interviews if the children's father pays maintenance. The answer is usually "no".

VladmirsPoutine · 10/12/2017 17:10

20+ year marriages have gone to shit leaving some women with quite literally the clothes on their backs. Yes they had to varying extents protection due to being married but there were other pitfalls i.e. taking the bulk childcare meaning their husbands could focus on their careers and so forth.

No-one knows what will ultimately happen but the best we can do is protect ourselves as much as possible.
Yes you might want the glitz and romance but glitz and romance don't keep food on the table should the proverbial hit the fan.

Talk to him at the next opportunity.

waterrat · 10/12/2017 17:31

You know what OP I think if he loves you it would surely make him really sad that you are suffering like this?

Regardless of the subject, you are unhappy with a major issue in your relationship and the only way forward is to talk about it.

He knows you and knows your family - just tell him straight that you want a bit of romance and a proposal and to be brought into his family! though I agree with other posters - you are literally the heart of his family, so it is your own issues making you not see that.

If marriage and a proposal marries to you - then it matters to you! Please don't let this fester, don't leave it a couple of months - just sit him down over a glss of wine and say it's hurting you that you still aren't married.

JennyBlueWren · 10/12/2017 18:15

Buy him a ring for Christmas!
Make it clear that it's not like last time by starting your wedding planning now.

CharisMama · 12/12/2017 18:57

I agree. My x was ok about what i spent when we were under his roof but when i left he wouldnt part with a red cent. Had to go back to court twice. Very stressful. And he thinks im a gold digger for not 100% shouldering the financial burden of bringing up his kids

Jubejube1 · 12/12/2017 21:47

Why put up with the situation if you’re not happy with it. Just say “can we get our wedding organised as you’re clearly never going to live up to my expectations & propose”. Or tell him to get to •uck. Stop acting like some Victorian lady awaiting a proposal in bended knee. It’s not going to happen. I never understand women who get into this ridiculous position with men who are generally not worthy of them in the first place.

mumworkingfromhome · 12/12/2017 22:08

The fact that you came up with this question means that you have the feelings for marriage. So, even if you make peace thinking he would not propose, it will linger in your thoughts. The best way is to ask him considering the fact that you were together for 10 yrs.

Original poster
Changeusername · 23/12/2017 18:44

Thoroughly depressed and its 2 days before christmas.

There is no way hes proposing anytime soon and i dont want to talk to him about it just now as we will probably end up falling out and its our first christmas with dc. Cant even have a drink either as im bf :(

OP posts:
gingergenius · 23/12/2017 18:58

You can drink moderately whilst bf.

Original poster
Changeusername · 23/12/2017 19:01

I know i can uave a few but want to get drunk so im probably better not having anything :(

OP posts:
gingergenius · 23/12/2017 19:02

Op I wouldn't get married again for all the tea in China.

Pixiedust1973 · 23/12/2017 19:05

I don't understand why women give their kids the surname of a man who doesn't think their relationship is stable/important enough to marry them! I know plenty do, but personally I don't get it! Perhaps he may ask you to marry him at Christmas? Or you could ask him? If not then you could always change your surname by deed poll to match everyone else!

Oldbutstillgotit · 23/12/2017 19:15

Did you speak to him about it OP ? Sorry you are so upset just before Christmas.

Original poster
Changeusername · 23/12/2017 19:18

I havn't outright spoke about it but heavily hinted . I know i shoukd just have said but hey ho.

OP posts:
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