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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really, really, really dislike having to buy presents for people.

365 replies

MaidenMotherCrone · 09/12/2017 15:20

Not just at Christmas but birthdays, anniversaries etc. I do buy them but get I'd rather not have to bother. I dislike receiving presents too. I've done the 'let's not do presents this year' to be met with 'oh we have to do presents, just a little thing yes?'

Noooooooo!

I fully accept I probably ABU and a massive misery but it's the whole expectation thing.

OP posts:
Ven83 · 09/12/2017 17:24

Ugh I'm with you. Nobody in my family enjoys it really so a few years ago we stopped going through the motions and now we just donate to charity in each other's names, and maybe get each other a token gift like chocolates.

The in laws however go crazy with buying stuff. I know I should be grateful for their generosity, but I just end up with a clutter of things I neither want or need, it's really a burden.

I don't mind birthdays and anniversaries as I get to focus on an individual person or couple, but Christmas shopping is so depressing, all the expectations and pressure is just too much.

BelleandBeast · 09/12/2017 17:28

I like to get a gift of something beautiful or practical and same back but would rather the company of people I love and lots of nice food and wine.
My sister would rather hand over presents than spend any time with her DNs. Now that is truly sad.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/12/2017 17:28

The worst presents are those which are supposed to be on display - so either clothes, art, ornaments (ugh) etc - it's really unfair to give someone a present like that unless you really know they'll like it. Not that you think they'll like it - know it.

Ecureuil · 09/12/2017 17:29

I suppose I’m very lucky that I get to spend time with my family and exchange gifts.

TittyGolightly · 09/12/2017 17:30

I suppose I’m very lucky that I get to spend time with my family and exchange gifts.

Do you want a medal?

TittyGolightly · 09/12/2017 17:30

My sister would rather hand over presents than spend any time with her DNs. Now that is truly sad.

DH’s family don’t do either. So fuck them.

Ecureuil · 09/12/2017 17:30

No, I was just pointing out that it’s not one or the other. I spend loads of time with my family, I also enjoy buying them gifts.
It was in response to the ‘I want time, not gifts’ post.

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 09/12/2017 17:32

I understood what you meant. Ignore the prickly nonsense.

Openup41 · 09/12/2017 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Scrowy · 09/12/2017 17:38

annandale has hit the nail on the head for me. I dread December because of the ‘month long obligation’ pressure feeling.

Helpotron3000 · 09/12/2017 17:41

Agreed with friends in November not to do presents. Just this week one of them mentioned buying me a gift worth £40, now I'm scrambling to find something to give back and I don't have anything like £40 to spend

BewareOfDragons · 09/12/2017 17:42

I hate it, too, but for a different reason: I used to try so very hard to get presents that I knew they would love. I always thought very hard about it, made sure about size if clothing was involved, or who the person was, and generally did an excellent job. But I always got thoughtless crap in return. Or my children got thoughtless crap that wasn't them or not even the ball park of sizing, after I'd tried so hard (and succeeded) in getting the loved one's children gifts they loved.

So I stopped. I only buy for my immediate family and my mum and sister now. No one else. I won't even do Secret Santa it was just so horrible and made me feel sad.

ScrabbleFiend · 09/12/2017 17:48

Why is it so awful? How can it be that hard to buy people something they'd like?

Very hard when you're a single parent and your siblings all have spouses and 2+ children. My friends and family have me and DS to buy for, that's 2 presents, in return I have to buy at least 4 on a single income. I've tried the whole 'lets stop doing adults' and the one year I didn't buy they all still bought me leaving me feeling like shit.

Why do people always think that they have given "thoughtful" presents because they have thought about it. But assume that others have not thought about it and don't care because they haven't got it right.

Because that is often the case. I always put thought into my presents, for example this year I've bought my DSis some medical inspired jewellery as she's a medical student, I've bought my DJ BIL a lovely hardback book on the history of vinyl and spent hours making up photo books for people I know will appreciate them. In return I'll get a bog standard toiletries set bought on Christmas Eve in tesco despite having hobbies and being generally very easy to buy for. Yes I know, more fool me but despite my rant I do actually enjoy choosing gifts I know will be appreciated, even if the thought is never returned. .

Original poster
MaidenMotherCrone · 09/12/2017 17:49

To the pp who mentioned the dreaded CHRISTMAS CARDS. I'm so with you on that one. I don't send them and don't want them. Poor trees!

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 09/12/2017 17:50

I hate it too. I think it’s also due to the fact that it’s mine, both Dds, my Mum, two nieces and my sisters birthdays all in Dec Hmm

I’m fed up of thinking about and buying presents.Sad

Nyx1 · 09/12/2017 17:54

Help "Just this week one of them mentioned buying me a gift worth £40, now I'm scrambling to find something to give back and I don't have anything like £40 to spend"

don't! Remind her that you agreed no gifts this year. If you want to "pay" her back - which you don't need to, it's a gift - then a couple of dinners out next year will be a better approach, otherwise no one believes you.

When I say we did this last year - the no gifts - what I really mean is "we made a few pathetic attempts before really saying NO GIFTS".

they won't stop if they get a gift in return.

I hate cards too and they sell things you can hang them from. Like tie hangers for cards. I assume they are made of plastic. And maybe people buy different ones each year to match their "theme". Argh.

MiraiDevant · 09/12/2017 17:58

Ropsleybunny - that's lovely if you do and if the people that you buy for also enjoy it.It can be wonderful. What most people on this thread are saying is that if it is not what you enjoy it is pretty horrible to feel forced into doing it.

There is also something different in receiving a present as a one off and exchanging presents where it is a bit of a tit-for-tat thing

Ragwort · 09/12/2017 18:00

I rarely buy any presents anymore, DS is a teenager so apart from stocking fillers only wants cash - I give cash to neices/nephews/godchildren (up until age 18). Long since stopped exchanging gifts with siblings & girlfriends. No ILs Grin. My parents are happy with a charity goat & a box of chocolates.

DH and I usually choose something for the home new taps this year Grin and a few charity shop books or similar.

Sorted - don't even need to go 'Christmas shopping' this year.

I do love sending and receiving cards though and everything else about Christmas, just not the expectation of buying presents for people who already have everything they need.

cathyclown · 09/12/2017 18:03

Mirai.

Exactly.

It is the tit for tat (how apt!) that is ridiculous.

So I buy something for you, and you get something for me. Neither of us are delighted but make the required noises!

Stop and save the planet, surely you can just buy the same thing or whatever you want for yourself!

Adult child syndrome maybe.

CassiniDivision · 09/12/2017 18:07

I too find buying and receiving presents stressful. I thought l was the only one, so glad to find I'm not. This year I have only posted one Xmas card to a lonely uncle.
I would like Xmas to only happen in a leap year. I have not found anyone else that thinks that is a good idea though. If only Christians had fixed Jesus's birthday to the 29th February.

TittyGolightly · 09/12/2017 18:13

I spend loads of time with my family, I also enjoy buying them gifts.

It came across as you being smug.

Our families live hundreds of miles away from us. Spending time together takes huge effort - which usually falls to us - and it’s harder and harder to do now. DH’s don’t make any effort to see us so we don’t make any effort to see them now.

TittyGolightly · 09/12/2017 18:14

I would like Xmas to only happen in a leap year. I have not found anyone else that thinks that is a good idea though.

I’ve been campaigning for Xmas every other year for a while. Not found anyone that agrees. Shall we split the difference and go for once every 3 years?

FolderReformedScruncher · 09/12/2017 18:15

I agree wholeheartedly OP. I think buying presents for adults and receiving stuff you don't want detracts from Christmas. For kids yes but not between adults.

MiraiDevant · 09/12/2017 18:15

ScrabbleFiend - I am sure that you are very thoughtful - and it sounds as if you are. I don't want to piss on your chips. My point is more general. People always think that they have been thoughtful because they have put in the time. It does not follow that the recipient necessarily loves what has been bought or wouldn't rather have had nothing and therefore not had to spend money/ time/stress in reciprocating.

You know your friends and family and I don't want to suggest that your present buying isn't lovely - but for many of us it really isn't!

BTW the Tesco smellies are the last resort of someone who hates present buying, has no time and really no idea.

Original poster
MaidenMotherCrone · 09/12/2017 18:16

@CassiniDivision

That is a genius idea. Once every 4 years would make it so much more special.

I'm going to write to someone of great importance and suggest it, not sure who but give me time.Grin

OP posts:
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