Don't know how to word this wedding news

[Adnerb95]

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

twofishfingers- it is totally relevant to this thread.

The OP talks of three weddings. It's not three weddings and that idea is adding to the complexity.

Like the OP you are under some illusion that you have been married more than once.

This is not pedantry, this is pointing out that bridezilla tactics of being married twice or thrice is plain silly.

Perhaps those that have asked you could suggest an item that would be useful eg a toaster etc etc

Speakout, getting married to a foreigner is complicated. In most cases, the situation with visas is complex and expensive.

My family doesn't speak English, my DH's family doesn't speak my native language. Nobody from my family could fly here, for various reasons it sometimes make sense to have two celebrations, because of complicated family situations. It has nothing at to do with being some kind of bridezilla. Nothing at all. I think you have very little understanding on the subject and your posts are proving just that. It's narrow mindedness, plain and simple. You do not understand the situation.

OP the reason people have focused on the three wedding issue and the rising expense of the overseas one is because your post seemed to suggest you were less than happy and rather surprised at the cost. Also that you were meeting “ALL” of the costs (your capitals). So although some posts may have seemed harsh they will have come from a place of concern and support for you.

With the best will in the world, it does rather sound as though you are being taken advantage of because you are perceived as able to afford it by the other side. But of course we can’t know that, and it’s your business anyway.

Lots of posters have suggested telling the UK contingent that you will be holding a celebration further down the line, and to avoid mentioning gifts unless specifically asked, at which point keep it simple and affordable. That seems to be your answer.

I hope you are asking for receipts and breakdowns and/or handling to quotes and bookings yourself, rather than just allowing other people to do it all on your behalf and then writing a nice fat cheque at the end? I can see all sorts of opportunity for you to be taken for a ride here. I have no idea where your DIL is from but there are some countries where people would not bat an eyelid at rinsing a 'rich' British person for as much as they could possibly get away with, without any shame whatsover.

Do be very careful and don't take anything on trust unless you want to be used and made a fool of.

Astrid

Exactly. This is the concern we are feeling for you op. You don’t sound happy at all about the situation. And appear to be bullied into it. And cannot see that you are snubbing family and friends back home and this may cause a lot of problems.

Your original goal was and I imagine still is to get presents from people in the U.K. as they have nothing. Not having a party is contradictory to this goal.

If your ds and his bride really have nothing to speak of for setting up home with, could you not suggest that if any friends family have any "no longer/surplus to requirement" wanted household items that they consider donating them to your DS and DIL to set up home with.

This possibly avoids the risk of coming across as grabby and if your DIL really is from such an impoverished background she can't possibly object to temporarily using recycled stuff until such time as they can afford to buy their own.

It's how I set up home over 25 years ago and over the years OH and I have gradually replaced the items as they wore out or as and when we could afford to. If their friends sneer at their possessions than they are shallow youngsters who will hopefully learn in the long run that you need to cut your cloth accordingly and the world needs more "reduce, reuse, recycle" minded people.

that should read "no longer NEEDED/surplus to requirement"

OP this was a really stupid place to ask as AIBU is notoriously nasty to anybody planning a wedding.

The answer is that DS and DIL should set up a gift registry including some very affordable bits but the link should only be given to those who request it. You should probably have sent it out with the invites to Brazil but the best way now is just for those who request.

Outside of AIBU I think most people realise the difficulties of planning a wedding when people are from two countries. In addition most of these people will be people who know and care about DS and want to demonstrate that regardless of whether or not the get a free vol au vent buffet and disco.

It always amazes me wedding people are accused of being grabby on AIBU when the exact same people expect to be treated like 5 star royalty for the day in exchange for a toaster.

And, actually, speakout, if Catholicism is married yes it is common to be married twice. The Catholic Church does not recognise civil marriages so even if you have a civil ceremony you are still married again religiously at the Church.

you cannot get married in a "registry office" they register land and title deeds of property.

www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/weddings-and-civil-partnership-ceremonies

Thanks for that constructive comment @nannybeach , glad you had time to correct, but I think we’ll all know what was meant.

Would the term “register office” be to your approval?

Two of the loveliest people I know had a story like this - they met when he went to the dentist for emergency treatment in a foreign country that sounds similar - they’ve been married 15 years now I believe.

Good luck op, you got some constructive advice along the way!

It’s pissoble your ds and you are being taken advantage of but if your gut says it’s fine, all relationships are a leap of faith to some extent.

You can’t word this any other way than Grabby - because it’s Grabby ! - ever heard of live within your means ? Clearly your DS or DIL haven’t. Tough.. or cut down on the foreign wedding (which are usually much cheaper than UK) so seems to me you’re being ripped off on the expenses abroad.. have a garden party in the summer at home to save money - we did it was fantastic the rodedendrons were in full bloom -the marquee was perfect the 200 guests wouldn’t know what it cost. couldn’t ask for a better party..

russian
A shed load. Marquees cost thousands. Especially one for 200 guests. It’s true your guests would never imagine it cost that much to hire a marquee for a few days.

Seems unfair you are prepared to pay for the overseas wedding celebration yet not for your home crowd. Think I would declare all wedding celebrations off in both countries and only have a small buffet type party in both countries. Why do folk think of all these grand ideas ie son getting married and not even able to afford the basics unless of course it is required to stop a deportation!

Since nobody has so far suggested it, you could promise the U.K. crowd a nice celebration party on the birth of a baby - if that’s a few years down the line, all to the good!

Op my nephew got married in New Zealand, many of his family (including his own sister) were unable to attend.
One year to the day of the wedding my Dsis hosted a celebration of their wedding, the bride and groom wore their finery, and several of us contributed food and drink.
Dsis hired a marquee as it was summer but considered hiring a local hall.
It was a lovely occasion and the bride and groom were far more settled and able to enjoy the party than the would have been if a party had been held shortly after the wedding in New zealand

LakieLady that's not true, it's not only CofE ministers who can do the legal part, Catholic and Baptist ministers can do so as well, they have to be trained to do it.

of course all the comments on here are constructive arent they

chesty is right - no it's not actually Brazil, but it would be dishonourable culturally if a large number of her family were not invited to the wedding and fed and watered royally. This would be a matter of deep shame for them.

Good job they've got you to pay for it then op!

I can't understand why the bride's parents couldn't help towards the cost of wedding in Brazil.

No need to video it etc.

Parties can be done on the cheap. Hire a church hall . One of my daughter's friends asked for contributions to an afternoon tea. The couple didn't expect to receive any presents.

OP, I agree with the majority that you can't issue a presents' list.

I'd say just tell the people wanting to buy them a present to give John Lewis/Debenhams/Next/Homebase whatever vouchers or just money and they can buy their own things.

Not grabby that way.

Congratulations/ your DS is married. He had his wedding at a registry office.

Anything after that is just a party. If they are so hard up, cancel the Brazil party and give that cash to them to start their life. You cannot crowdfund your DS’s lifestyle when you have cash to burn on an international party.

If getting married in Brazil was so important, they should have done that. And before you start, I’m married to a foreign national. You don’t have to get legally married in the UK at all. They did it for convenience.

Seriously, why does everyone feel so entitled to a big white wedding? I’m