Don't know how to word this wedding news

[Adnerb95]

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

nikephorous believe me you aren't far off the mark

Leaving aside the nitty-gritty of this particular wedding, I would always give a gift if someone I knew (well) got married. It wouldn't occur to me that it should be in return for a party/an invite. The present is for their wedding, just like you give a birthday present to someone for their birthday, not for a party.

How does the Skype go, when he can't speak her language and she can't speak much english?

I don't understand.

The wedding is when they get married - you do understand this, yes? This is taking place in a registry office in the UK.

If she wants to have a party in Brazil then fair play to her but it won't be a wedding will it? She will already be married. It would be very odd to invite people to a wedding when the couple are already wed.

Same applies to the party here. It's not a wedding it's a party. Why would people bring wedding gifts

I agree with daisy that some friends and family may be perfectly happy to give the newlyweds a present anyway.

My brother married a girl he met back-packing, she spoke virtually no English and he spoke virtually nothing of her language. Most of their ‘relationship’ had been via email. She came over to the UK from outside the EU, on a fiancée visa about a year after they’d met and they got married quickly at a register office with a translator and someone from Immigration present. His family and friends were there but her’s couldn’t afford it. Cheap reception in the upstairs of a nice bar. She wasn’t able to work until her permits came through which was a strain but they managed because he worked a lot of over time

Then after she was fully nationalised he found out all sorts of stuff - her very ardent religious views, her failed first marriage, her speaking in tongues and running outside naked to talk to God if she got in sniffing distance of alcohol...she’s a nice person but has some MASSIVE issues that she hid. There were red flags but my brother wasn’t thinking with his brain...

Living together is better preparation than Skype

But in terms of the three weddings - if she had married locally her family would have managed or not. Everyone needs to cut their cloth to suit their means

Just tell everyone the truth and if they ask for gift suggestions then give them cheap ones (nothing over £30) or Argos vouchers

This thread has taken a diversion. I asked no-one's opinion on the genuineness of their relationship but somehow a few nasty posters seem to think they have the right to comment.

So, thanks to the rest of you including those who judged me Unreasonable -I was using you as an honest sounding board so that was helpful.

Adios

Hesterton and AJPTaylor nailed it with their responses.

I've been to overseas weddings and equally declined some invitations and we always give a present anyway but agree not to send a list unless anyone asks. And understand that if she is leaving Brasil (or wherever!) then she would want a wedding celebration there. You have made the decision that the Brasil celebration is more important than one here as they will be living here long term , and that's fine. People can go or not go it's up to them.

Well done for being a supportive parent.

If they/she as a dentist and are not contributing a bean, I think there is something seriously wrong. Sorry. Yes, I understand she wants to have her wedding celebration in her home county. However, she doesn’t get to call all the the shots if she and her family isn’t paying. Why do you care so much about the perceived needs of her parents? These are people you’ve probably never even met. I don’t agree that you are being a supportive parent, you’re being a doormat. You have overspent and are shaming yourselves to your british family and friends.

God, people are mean.

I hope they have a nice little ceremony here and a lovely wedding party in her country of origin. If people specifically ask you about gifts give them a suggestion, otherwise I'd probably not mention it.

I admit that I am sceptical about why you are expected to fund a wedding party in "Brazil", and surprised that you haven't questioned it.

Her wedding of Origin should be paid for themselves.. not his Parents.. and it's the wrong way round.. the Brides Parents are supposed to PAY.. if your going down the path of tradition ..

I'm still stunned that you guys are going cheap village hall and self catering whilst.. her family are getting Royalty Wedding fanfare.. paid by YOU

My DH and I got married abroad (the actual wedding was around $200) and when we got home we had a celebration meal, because we aren't party people, for our close friends and family.

Surely given that the OPs son is getting married here, anything else will just be a party and not a wedding. So why is it so expensive compared to say a birthday party or anniversary party?

Surely if they are already married then all thats needed is the party bit. Absolutely no need for extra expense paid for solely from the grooms family especially when the money could be spent elsewhere.

Dentistry you say. Does she do mates rates?

I admit that I am sceptical about why you are expected to fund a wedding party in "Brazil", and surprised that you haven't questioned it. - plus why you are expecting the presents of the 'wedding' guests of a non-wedding in the UK to fund their lifestyle here.

You could have done a bigger wedding here, with presents, and a small get-together in 'brazil'. Or not, if her parents won't pay for that.

OP is clearly a loving and supportive mum trying to do the best for her son. While you might not agree with the wedding gifts idea, some posters are being way too personal and critical about the whole relationship. Lay off the OP!

People are being unkind.

We have close friends and if their DC got married we'd like to contribute a gift of some description. I'd probably be quite relieved if there wasn't a wedding reception as that would save at least a few hundred quid in travel, accommodation and drinks at a pricey hotel.

Whilst it's gauche to ask directly for gifts, I think it's right to tell people the circumstances without mentioning gifts, and if people still want to give something, then OP can suggest items or they can give cash.

OP Just sift through all the nay-sayers and get to the answers to your original question.

I'd email all the people who might have been expecting a UK celebration to apologise and explain you hope it will be sometime in the next few years when they're settled. Say you'll be posting pix of the "Brazilian" event when you can. Say nothing about gifts. If people still want to give, then concoct your own list at John Lewis and make sure it ranges from £5-£100 with lots in the low range/vouchers.

We've all clearly deduced it's outside the EU and you've told us it's somewhere you lose face if the wedding isn't huge. I'm betting on the Indian subcontinent.

Good luck

As a foreigner, even on our wedding day a couple of people were questioning why we were getting married. It's a really awful feeling.

We got married twice (20 years ago now!) - once in my country (legal bit) and a small party with my family, and once in the UK (including a blessing in local Church) and a party with DH's family. both parties were small (less than 30 people) so we could afford both. We had a very small gift list and asked for donations to a charity for those who wished to do so.

I would say, just be honest with people and cancel the party here, but wait for a year, and on first anniversary have a small party in a local pub to celebrate. I wouldn't even mention presents. Those who feel they should will ask, or will send something.

Your DS will need in the region of £6k for the visas that come.

I would be focusing on that rather than a party.

(Married a foreign national as well)

twofishfingers We got married twice

Sorry but you didn't. You only got married once.

Good advice, millie.

My faith in human nature has been restored by some more recent posts.

Thank you fern rookie namow and others.

I know it sounds like some of us have been less than helpful, but maybe we are being a little more cynical about the "wedding" abroad. It very much comes across as your DIL's family can now give her the wedding they want to because you are paying for it. I think the way forward would be to give them a budget and stick to it.

Thanks for the clarification Speakout. I am sure everyone really needed to read that.

We got married once and celebrated our marriage twice. Is that better for your pedantic brain?