Don't know how to word this wedding news

[Adnerb95]

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

As for "stop pretending you were forced to have 3 weddings" until you know someone who has gone through the whole process of marrying a foreign national, you have no clue how problematic and difficult it is.

I'm British but grew up in a European country, so that's where a lot of my family and friends live. DH is from a country on a different continent. We had one wedding. In England, because that's where we live, and we subsidised his parents so that they'd be able to come. We then had a small celebration (drinks in a village hall) in my home country a few months later. We planned a similar celebration in DH's home country for that summer, but had to cancel because I was pregnant and that country was a risk country for Zika. It never crossed our minds to ask for gifts from anyone who didn't come to our wedding - we did get a few gifts from people who came to our party in Europe, but it wasn't an expectation.

Kurri "I've had a very rough last ten years - I hereby invite everyone to my 'things aren't quite so shit now' party, which I won't be holding due to lack of funds. I will PM my list to you all so you can send me a gift for my non-event. I thank you.(Cash will do fine, I've got a toaster)"

exactly! I've looked at the post again and I note there's a comment about "video highlights from Brazil". I've had a couple of friends in this situation - they just got married! Essentially the big party in Brazil is costing more than you thought? So what's that got to do with anyone else?

People who are asking about gifts might still buy you one, but what you say is "there's no wedding here any more I'm afraid."

If she was marrying someone local in her country she would not be having a big wedding there - you have already said she and her parents could not afford it. So her relatives would not expect to be ‘fed and watered royally’ in that case. Not sure why they do expect it now and you have to pay for it. Sounds like your son needs to take more responsibility for himself. He could have saved up and they could have got married in a year’s time.
Does she work?

When DH and I got married, we paid for everything ourselves and asked everyone not to give us presents because we didn’t need anything. We were happy they were coming to be there. We only had about 35 guests. Some still gave us presents, some made a donation to a charity we support. My mum and Pil insisted on giving us presents.

Why does there have to be such a big thing if you can’t afford it?

You sound as though you are a mother who invests far too much time and money in their adult childrens' lives when you cannot afford it.
Not a healthy dynamic for either of you.
Let them sort their own lives out.

Sounds like your son needs to take more responsibility for himself.

Absolutely!! What are you thinking? They are now married so the abroad wedding is really a sham wedding party anyway!! So what if they want a church they can't afford it! Sounds like they're taking the piss!' And your being dragged under the bus

AJP think I should have got you to write the OP for me. You have summarised nicely exactly where we are at, thank you, and I realise it comes across a lot better!

That's not quite it though is it? Nowhere have you said you've actually cancelled the UK celebration, told people and they still want to send gifts.

I do understand people's reservations about the cross cultural thing - and it being fairly quick - believe me I've had my concerns, certainly in the beginning. However, we have got to know DIL well over the last 6 months and I have absolutely no doubt about the genuine nature of the relationship.
Everyone who has seen them together says the same.

Saving would be lovely, but impossible when you are in a relationship with someone on another continent! DS has enough to satisfy the legal costs and so on and has to keep some funds for the other expenses that people have referred to.

Wolfie yes I have - rtft.

I have. You mention the "few" who know the UK thing isn't happening.

If there's a cultural expectation from her family why the heck haven't they been saving for their DD's wedding?
To me it's sounding weirder and weirder.
And as far expecting guests to travel to God know's where and cough up for presents because DS has forked out £££ 😳

And ds had a very long distance relationship with my now DDIL without expecting lavish wedding celebrations in her country.

What does she do? Will she be entirely dependant on your DS? I would worry she will expect him to send money back to her family monthly once they are married. If she works there and lives with them, they will be losing an income source that they may well really rely on if they are very poor.
6 months is nothing in a long distance relationship. You have none of the day to day niggles of life together and any relationship is still starry eyed after 6 months, never mind one where you live far apart. I would be worried.
After 6 months DH and I were still very starry-gazy and we saw each other every day.

'We are heavily involved because of the pressure that all the shenanigans around the visa have put on my DS, for those who have queried this.

In passing, the register office wedding was on a shoestring and those saying that if the wedding is in a developing country it must be cheap, well, think again! That's what we thought until reality hit. Especially when organising from several thousand miles away with people where we don't speak a common language.'

'DIL first language is not English. She speaks some but is not fluent.

My DS has spent over £6,000 on their long distance relationship over the last 18 months one way or the other - flights, time off work, etc etc so no he doesn't have the money.'

How old is your son, 18? FFS, he's an adult! And his marrying some gal who doesn't even speak fluent English after meeting her only 18 months before is precisely the reason the Home Office made getting a spousal visa an expensive and colossal ballache it now is.

Get real! STOP enabling your son to make such awful decisions.

The present list in the UK is the least of your problems. He has no money? How is passing all the income requirements for the spousal visa? Do they realise how much the next visa costs? How will she pass the Life in the UK test when she doesn't have fluent English?

Your son needs to grow up!

If I were a millionaire I wouldn't facilitate this type of relationship for either of my children. Want to see someone from another country that requires loads of visas and such, you sort it out! Not my circus, not my monkeys.

You're not having a UK party, so there's no way to ask for presents.

It's a pity the HO doesn't turn this app down, because it sounds like a complete sham, tbh, and a total racket on her part and that of her family to get money.

Lulu

She has a degree in dentistry so will need to requalify here to be UK-authorised. So in the short term, reliant on him but not in the longer term. They have known each other 18 months not 6 and have spent more time talking (Skype) than "dating" which I actually think is a better preparation for life together. 2/3 hours every day in difficult circumstances - wifi unreliable or in public, noisy place, etc etc.

I have been impressed with how they have still managed to have lots of the discussions which many more conventional relationships seem to ignore/skate over.

One wedding is enough. Deep shame in her culture is her fucking problem, she doesn't live there anymore, she chose to leave. You're being fleeced. Bet you are fronting him money, too, to meet the income requirements. No wonder the rules were tightened up so heavily.

expat

You are adding 2 +2 and making a million. Please take a chill pill.

Gees, this is almost classic! You're impressed, OP? You lot are sitting ducks. Seriously. How is she even here right now to get married, a fiance visa?

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years

They have known each other 18 months

and have spent more time talking (Skype) than "dating" which I actually think is a better preparation for life together

'You are adding 2 +2 and making a million. Please take a chill pill.'

You are the one fronting loads of money on a relationship and weddings that aren't even yours. Oh, and visa money. And still want to know if it's okay to ask for presents.

I don't think requalufication as a dentist in the UK is particularly easy. DS's GF is Croatian. Her parents have friends a couple where one was a dentist one a Dr. They found it impossible here, they'd have had to start all over again as there was no conversion. He works as a mechanic x

They have known each other 18 months not 6 and have spent more time talking (Skype) than "dating" which I actually think is a better preparation for life together. 2/3 hours every day in difficult circumstances - wifi unreliable or in public, noisy place, etc etc.
No, a better preparation for life together is actually spending time together. It's easy to have a chat, totally different to be living with someone and finding out that while you are a neat freak their idea of tidy is hoovering once a year. Or they think it's fine that you do all the housework even though you work the same hours. Or they snore / fart / belch / pick their nose so often that it drives you up the wall.

DS's GF is Croatian.
Why was I reading that as DS's Goady Fucker?!!

They have known each other 18 months not 6 and have spent more time talking (Skype) than "dating" which I actually think is a better preparation for life together.

Yeah, good luck with that. The statistics would tell you you’re dead wrong.

Could they not Skype the wedding for those unable to attend? I actually think that would be a better preparation for life together.