Don't know how to word this wedding news

[Adnerb95]

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

"it would be dishonourable culturally if a large number of her family were not invited to the wedding and fed and watered royally. This would be a matter of deep shame for them"

This is what my DPs family said. We told them to feck off. We got married in Church and then told DPs family. Cultural shame my arse!

Why are you involved in the planning of the "wedding" abroad? Give the couple a budget and ask the bride to organise her do, after all as local she may well get a better deal than if you do it and you may find it suddenly downscales. they can choose whether to spend it all on one or split or between 2. If the uk party was genuinely a celebration rather than a reception to get gifts close family would probably pitch in with a dish for the buffet instead of presents. Hiring a hall need not be expensive. Or maybe they just forgo the whole deal as they are already married.

Surely her family could have said "Oh culturally they do things differently in the UK and she's marrying an Englishman.

HA! That is exactly what DP said. Except we were in Scotland and I am Scottish....

Why aren't her family paying for the wedding? Or at least contributing? I'd be rather at this if I were you OP.

It would be a matter of deep personal shame to me, if my husband didn't get to celebrate in his own country because his parents - who had put up all the fucking money! - had had it pissed away by me on a party in my home country.

Long distance, holiday destination, expectations of cash...

Reminds me of my XBF who married a Thai girl, and is now sending money to her family every month. Forever. "Because it's cultural"

And although it's true love in his case, of course, he did meet her in a night club with a reputation for Thai girls looking for wealthy white men, and he told me that he didn't like her friendship group because they all seemed to target wealthy white men...

There are two cultures meeting here.
If she can't learn to live in a mixed culture marriage, she has no business applying for a visa for another country.

Slash the budget for "Brazil".
Indulge your own culture, which is that parents get to enjoy a party when their child marries.
Why does her culture trump yours/his?

If people ask for a list, simply reply with ' thanks for asking, but as there is no party in the UK there is no list'

It maybe that a handful of people who would have been to the uK celebration still choose to send a gift - that will need to be totally of their own choosing and organising with zero suggestion that a present is expected, hoped for or required. Most people who would have come to the UK wedding now won't give a gift.

Your job and that of those getting married is to apologise for the back tracking and to either say nothing at all about gifts or to make clear that the bride and groom won't be expecting any gifts. It must be worded so it sounds sincere and that you're not just being polite but actually expecting a gift. Definitely no list, even to anyone who asks.

Oh and a relationship that's only 18 months old, to a woman who only speaks "some" English, that has been conducted long distance.

Yeah, that's likely to be secure and tested enough for them to be ready for marriage

I'd be more worried for my child about the quality of their upcoming marriage than I would whether they can afford to buy a kettle or need someone else to buy it as a wedding gift.

I had a wedding away from my home country and lots of my family and friends couldn't attend. They were invited nonetheless and they chose if they wanted to send money or a gift from the registry (many of them did). For that matter, all the ones who actually attended the wedding did as well (because they wanted to, and obviously had the means). I would/would have invited everyone to the main wedding and then let them chose to come, chose to send a gift, whatever. I don't think you have to make a big deal of it. People will do whatever they want. If they ask for the gift list, then feel free to send it to them. Many may just send a card and some money in the post after. I know this is what we've done for international weddings we haven't been able to attend.

We similarly had absolutely nothing when I moved to the UK. My dh had just moved out of his uni accommodation and had been staying with family until I could get my visa sorted and we could live together here. I had lots in my home country (in the U.S.) but it was too expensive to bring it all here. We still got plenty of gifts from local family who could attend the wedding, so presumably your DIL's family will give some gifts as well (they can order from the gift list or give money). And then you just muddle through the first year or two and buy things as you go.

That said, I don't think you have to stress about doing a big do when you return from Brazil. What about just inviting British friends and family over for a BBQ in the summer or drinks at the pub? Or do something after a year or so. We had family who got married overseas a few years ago in a similar situation and they came and had a party here for those of us who couldn't come the next summer. So there's no hurry.

have I understood this correctly ....there is no event in the UK and you are wondering about gifts from people who aren't attending anything?

I must have misunderstood.

Oh dear!!! I actually feel for you here. You obviously have huge reservations and feelings you are not admitting too here with the way you have put the fact that you are contributing ALL the money for the foreign wedding. To have to fund something which is actually out of your control must be hugely difficult. I personally would rein in the foreign wedding, just maybe a nice meal in a restaurant for a restricted number of people after the ceremony, that way you won't be plagued with bad feelings later on down the line. And then you could do exactly
the same here. Given the precarious state of the new couple's finances, I would have thought a better use of money would be to help them directly with setting up their new married life. Regarding any possible presents, I would just make it clear none are expected. Sounds a bit of a minefield for you.

“Off topic, but what's a "foreign national"? Never heard that before.”

Really? I hear that term all the time. It is common parlance.

I agree with melonsandbananas . Why do you feel obliged to fork out for an expensive wedding party in “Brazil”? Why can’t they rein it in like you did in the UK? Why do the couple even have to have a wedding party in your DIL’s country?

“but it would be dishonourable culturally if a large number of her family were not invited to the wedding and fed and watered royally. This would be a matter of deep shame for them.”

What would the family have done if their daughter hadn’t married a “rich” foreigner? They would have had to pay for it themselves, surely?

Isn’t being married more important than the “wedding”?

Stop the Wedding...

tell the Bride and Groom to SAVE

I think your son and DIL needed to decide on the one place they wanted to celebrate their wedding. Sounds like they chose Brazil over the U.K. which is fine but means that everyone should be invited nonetheless. If people can’t afford to go then that’s fine, and perfectly understandable. However, choosing to celebrate abroad means that you may not receive gifts from anyone other than the attendees. That’s the choice you make.

In terms of financing the wedding, I would be concerned that your DIL comes from a culture which expects people to be “fed and watered royally” yet without the means to fund it. If they can’t afford it, they can’t afford it but I’m not sure why the onus has fallen on you to subsidise their wedding when everything has been tailored to her and her family’s needs.

I too would be concerned about my son marrying into a culture which seems to think it is fine to spend your money on a celebration which the couple don’t have. I think they have a choice, as we all do....the money goes on Brazilian celebration or goes on buying essentials for their future life together.

You can’t in any case expect that people will put their hands in their pockets to buy gifts for a wedding to which they are not invited. Your son has spent a huge amount of money conducting a long distance relationship. This is his choice but there are consequences to that choice.

I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for a young man who can't afford to set up a home, but can piss away £6000 on taking time off work and paying for flights to "Brazil".

One less flight + a trip to IKEA

And though it's none of my business, I'm very curious about this huge additional cost for priority visa application. Why?

If they can't afford to set up a home together, then just make a standard length via application. Use the money saved to buy kettles (and the extra time can be spent learning "some" more English)

So...I'm gonna sound like a bitch but I'd be shitting myself if I were you.

It's 'deep shame' for them not to be fed and watered royally but apparently not a source of deep shame that you're paying for all of this.

It's a long distance relationship of 18 months your son has already spent six grand on and now requires a fast track visa.

This could of course mean nothing, the personal matters too, what did you think of you new DIL when you met her, OP? I assume since your DS has forked out so much going out there she has at least been here for a visit?

The question is what do we do about a present list

Erm, nothing. There should be no 'present list'. If anyone would like to give them a gift of their own volition, then I'm sure they will. You do not ask.

this arrangements of you paying for the 'Brazil' wedding... needs to STOP Lady..

stop this hemorrhaging right now....... for your own mental wellbeing... you don't have the money to be funding this overseas extravagant..

Given the fact that other posters have now given their reservations about the whole situation, I can give you first hand experience of this type of issue in our family. A young male member of our family married very quickly a foreign national. The whole wedding was paid for by his grandmother. It was not lavish, although it did involve a lot of people!! It was in a village hall and at the end the whole of the clearing up was done by the bridegroom's family, the bride's family cleared off very quickly. The marriage did not last and unfortunately the boy involved was left with a mortgage debt and in a negative equity situation which took him years to resolve. As another poster says, what do you think of this girl? Are you sure she's marrying your son for the right reasons? Not that you can do much about it as you don't want to alienate your son - and also the registry office wedding has happened? Be careful with how you distribute your money on this one.

I think actually a lot of us have been in this situation, but we, you know, cut our coat to suit our cloth.

We needed the fast track visa for work reasons so our overseas wedding and party was very modest and we didn't have one in the UK at all. Like adults do.

If your son has no money, how will he satisfy the visa requirements of being able to maintain her without access to public funds (unless they've changed)? Are you/they wasting money fast tracking?

Tend to agree with Gemini69

In your position, I would be setting a very strict budget for this wedding (as a wedding gift) and would not go a penny over it. If that means her family and friends aren’t fed and watered royally then so be it. That’s not for you to fund.

Then, if you have a few pounds still to spare, that can go on a few bits for their first home, not a wedding party in this country. No-one needs another party.

I’m not from the UK and DH and I had a few very very rough years at the beginning . When we moved from his flat (we moved because of an uncontrollable mould problem and I was pregnant) we had plastic garden chairs in our living room. His lovely friend loaned us his sofa to use until we could get our own sofas. Fast forward a few years later, he has a better job now ; I’m working too and now we can buy nice things that we want for the house. Oh our wedding was on the cheap too, I wore an ordinary white dress, he wore a suit and we went down to the registry. I didn’t have my family there, only a few friends were able to come. A small lunch at a nice restaurant, some more food at his parents house then down to the pub with all the guests drinking and just having a good time until well past midnight. Very informal and one of the loveliest wedding ever; we had a lot of people telling us that they had a wonderful time. We will be having a party in a few years (when we are financially ready)that will include relatives from both sides of the family so everyone can officially meet everyone. So you and DS don’t have to spend so much on the wedding in “Brazil”. You can have a small registry wedding now then a big party when money is no longer tight.

Also the bride may be mortified that you are so bothered that they don’t have first home stuff. My MIL certainly was concerned about things like that, especially when I announced that I was pregnant and it made me quite uncomfortable but I couldn’t say anything to her so I don’t upset her. When she starts working in the UK they can both slowly settle down and get the house/house things that they need.

Also about the wedding in Brazil, can the bride and her family not contribute anything, no matter how small, to the wedding seeing as it costs so much and it’s her big day too?

This isn't really a dilemma is it ?

Friends and family have had an invite to an event that isn't happening. What you about the present list is you throw it away and your DS and DDIL get on with their lives.

Having a rough few years doesn't mean other people have to fund you.

I've had a very rough last ten years - I hereby invite everyone to my 'things aren't quite so shit now' party, which I won't be holding due to lack of funds. I will PM my list to you all so you can send me a gift for my non-event. I thank you.(Cash will do fine, I've got a toaster)

OP if your DS is already being stressed by the visa shenanigans then brace yourself! It means that this will not be a straightforward application and you will need cash to involve solicitors at some point. Certainly not time to be paying for a big wedding and house stuff.