Don't know how to word this wedding news

[Adnerb95]

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

OP I dont know who told you that your DS and DIL had to be married in the UK to get a visa because its absolute nonsense. UK Visas and Immigration accept legal marriage certificates from all over the world for visa applications.
UKVI are always inundated your DS and DIL did not want to wait the 60 days the usual way so they chose the nore expensive fast track option. That is what it is , an option.
So you did not need to have 3 weddings at all and you could have saved money on the visa application.
I hope your son meets all the requirements as a sponsor on earnings and maintenance. You claim they have little to set up home with thats why the need presents. If your son cannot neet the visa requirements you can wave goodbye to the exhorbitant visa fees.
You will be having a wake not a wedding reception.

If people are asking just say we are not regerstering but if you want to send a gift please send money/vouchers for there favourite store that way you’re not doing a gift list but people who want to can still give :)

We ended up with a biggish do a week prior to our wedding I need the city DH grew up in - 4 hours drive from where we did marry, near my parent’s home.

For various reasons we created an Amazon wish list and directed those who asked there. There were items at many price points and across category boundaries.

If such a list is shareable in the country in which the wedding will be held, the beauty is that everything is delivered and no one gives big items that don’t travel well.

In your home country hold an event six or twelve months after the first, or sooner if you can afford it, and share this list, with a disclaimer that couple need no gifts but here is a list etc.

Local event can be as simple as afternoon tea at a local park etc

IF she's a dentist why can she not pay towards the party for her side?

posh
I didn't say they had to marry in U.K. For a visa (although they do have to marry within 6 months of the application for a fiancée visa which is what she already has.)
The reason for doing a quick, cheap register office marriage - far simpler in the U.K. as she is already living here, was in order for her to be able to work.
At the moment there is no 60 day limit for the marriage visa. Unless you use the fast track service, it could take considerably longer and all that time she would not be able to earn any money. So in the long term, that would be far more costly
Yes, DS meets all the income requirements for the visa. He actually has a reasonable income, just one that is stretched by an awful lot of expenses at the moment.

Apacket
She had to give up her job in Brazil in order to be able to travel to the UK and spend some time exploring her retraining options here. So, has not been earning for a few months.

For your daughter in law to even be considered for a visa here your son must be earning over 18,000 GBP a year or have a considerable amount saved up, no? So I'm sure they will be able to buy their own household goods. I think it's unreasonable to even mention presents. Just let them know politely that unfortunately the UK celebration will not be going ahead at this current time but that hopefully it will do in the future. Getting married doesn't need to be a big expensive deal and people who act like it does, and then expect everyone to feel sad for them when they have no money left, are a little annoying! If they don't have enough to buy household items maybe they should have held off on the big Brazilian wedding too. My husband is from a non-EU country too so I understand what it's like trying to plan a wedding that involves two countries, different continents, cultures, religions, and family members with no passports. My husband and I simply took our children and got married on our own. It was lovely.

We eloped then moved to dh's family area. My family insisted that i come home and my mother and grandmother threw me a party. DH had to work, but we women.had a beautiful party of nibbles and cake with my family. It wasn't actually "beautiful" but my photos of that day are as dear to me as my wedding. It was beautiful bc it was a genuine gesture of love. They were all people who loved me and wanted to celebrate. I was third generation to elope, so i suppose they were used to it. I saw the men in my family at either end of the afternoon. My dh is shy and my family not outgoing either. I think that it was easier than a wedding for all. Low key, helpful. Fun.

you could promise the U.K. crowd a nice celebration party on the birth of a baby

Really? What business is it of the OP to start meddling in the procreation plans of their DS and DIL? That would be really presumptuous and put maximum pressure on the DIL to create a baby just to have a party!

I think a card with the following poem:

"Instead of a good time, we've shown you the door,
there isn't a wedding to go to no more,
But don't let that put you off buying a gift or four,
as DS and his Brazilian missus are poor"

I'm sure it will go down well.

Can't you just be very straightforward about this.

Explain that you are very sorry but given unexpected expenses you are not able to host a wedding party in the UK so do not expect anyone to send a gift, though it is very generous of them to offer. Should they wish to send a gift in any case you would happily send them the list but it is really not expected.

You could also think about holding a picnic type event next summer as an opportunity for a get together and so DIL can meet UK family and friends.

David Attenborough voice

Here we have a CF in their natural habitat. Performing the most natural of dances. Holding both hands out and demanding money for absolutely nothing.
The beauty of this specific CF is that it is a hybrid. It's crossed with a crazy overzealous MIL.
That is, what we call in the wild. MN Bingo.

Taylor22

We had a similar situation when our DS married his South American girlfriend. They actually married over there ( with me and DH and his closest friend who could afford it) There were great intentions of having a UK wedding reception when she received her visa and came and lived over here last summer but being as they are both sooooo laid back it never happened. As a consequence no one bought them a present ( other than his sister ) as they were waiting for the party!! I think this is fair enough. However, your family might know they need a helping hand and buy them something anyway. Luckily my pair are not in need of anything. I hope you have a great time at the wedding. Our DS's was lovely and it was great to be see lots of other customs and traditions.

should really have had a party after the registrars, i am sure if they want a party its not going to cost a lot to hire a hall of some sort when they get back, you could do the food yourself

So we have a dentist DIL and a DS who makes good money and they can’t afford either a wedding or basics for a flat so MIL thinks other people should buy them. Hmm!
Can’t they live with you while they save up and use your toaster, iron, etc until they can buy their own? Rather than spend other people’s money who aren’t even being invited to an evening do.

i got married in june i never expected a gift from anyone who was invited never mind people who wernt. i think i would be angry if i recieved no invitation and some tacky request for gifts however creative you think it is it is still CAF

I'm a foreign national. When I married my DH there was a minimum income requirement. How does your DS manage to get around this unless the fiance is from Europe?

And no you don't ask for presents if you don't invite people or if you invite them to a foreign place.

Oh sorry missed your last post OP. If DS earns enough but stretched either delay celebration or have no wedding?