Don't know how to word this wedding news

[Adnerb95]

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

I married someone from a different country. I made do with only one wedding and requested no presents at all. I didn't realise that because I was a very poor student at the time I could forget my manners and become a grabby fucker!

Whats with all the 'we'? So your son got married? He can do what he wants, what I dont get is why you are so involved.

Provide a list or some suggestions in reply people that say overtly they would still like to give a gift.

So of someone emails and says: understand uk part not happening now but I'd still like to give them a gift

You reply saying: wow that is a very generous thought. It doesn't seem right as we're not able to host you for a U.K. Celebration as we would have liked, but if you do still want to give them something I know they will be very touched as they are setting up home at the moment. I know an xyz or an abc would be very much appreciated by them.

You can't send a list to all the uk invitees, obviously, that would be grabby, but word may well get around that they're having a hard time and quite a few may choose to be generous.

Make sure anyone who does give a gift gets a proper thank you!

And maybe hold a small uk celebration a bit down the line when you can and make sure any gift givers get invited.

'They need to be legally married in U.K. But no family or friends could be there from Brazil. She is already leaving her country of birth to be with DS - I think she deserves a wedding, not just a registry office ceremony in a foreign country.'

Then stump up all your money on it, since you're the one who thinks she deserves it. I left the country of my birth, married Scottish DH at the registry office, in a foreign country, that was it, job done. Woe is me . . . said no one ever. You know the score when you marry someone from another country. No one is entitled to 3 weddings and if they want one, pay up.

No one forced you to pay the Home Office for fast-track, either.

Just tell everyone the UK party is cancelled therefore there's no need for gifts.

Could you all save up for a low key celebration in 6 months time? It seems a shame not to have any get together at all for friends and family In the U.K. I don't think people mind if it's done on a budget.

I would tell people not to give gifts if they have been now been told there is no wedding celebration. otherwise it would be awkward and some people might see it as very rude.

Should have spent the money kitting themselves out rather than on all these weddings.

Some people will still send a cheque, a Homebase voucher, or a bottle of something. It's what I would do. Obviously, the couple can't have a list if there is no actual wedding event but unsolicited gifts will definitely come.

you can have third party here in UK this time next year!

why are you assuming your family is the only one who went through UK civil ceremony + foreign ceremony/wedding + UK party?

Waaaaaaaah - I cant believe you just said that all the UK people did get an invitation, as they were invited to Brazil you're funny! Or fucking clueless

Right, for a start, if they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to sort out their own bloody wedding parties and grabby gift lists

Cancel the party. Anyone who says "I'd still like to send a gift", then get the actual married couple to thank them and direct them to a gift list.

Make a wedding list with John Lewis or similar. Those who ask say 'well they have set up this list for Brazil guests' but as we've had to cancel the uk wedding they are not expecting a gift from you'. You may well get a gift anyway but no obligation.

Foreign national or not, if my new MiL was writing shit like this on Mumsnet she would instantly go into my list of dickheads.

Just re-read this.
I didn't realise that the Brazil wedding hasn't actually happened yet.
So just rein it in!
A wedding is as cheap or expensive as it needs to be, it whatever country.

I know it's not actually in Brazil but what you're saying about cost to travel from the UK and the bride's friends not having passports suggests it's a country with a much lower cost of living than the UK.

So, cut the budget at the Brazil party, and go ahead with a hall and buffet party back in the UK.

No stuff for a home and little cash? Yeah, pretty standard for young married couples. Not really a big deal.

We got married in a UK registry office, and i needed permission/ visa to do so. We showed our wedding online so friends and family could watch, and celebrated with our UK friends. We visited his family a fortnight later, and mine almost a year later. We just had a house party in both countries, and we only got one gift - a vase (my Dad giving my other siblings large cash sums for their weddings, and conveniently forgetting us is another story). Guess what, we survived the indignity of not having big bashes in each country, and will celebrate 10 years of marriage and 15 years of togetherness early next year.

It’s not the party, it’s the everyday stuff that counts.

Oh, and I moved for him after the wedding to yet another country.

Say they're going to wait and have the UK celebration on their first anniversary to make it a meaningful date and also to allow some breathing space after the Brazil arrangements. Then they/you can save up and people won't feel it's all just collapsed.

In response to those people who know the UK party will no longer be taking place but have still asked whether there is a list, I would just say that due to cancelling the party, the bride and groom are not expecting any gifts and leave it at that. Leave it to them to decide if they still want to send something anyway.

If your DS is so strapped for cash, how is he managing to contribute to the cost of all the Brazilian wedding expenses?

I married a foreign national. Just us and a couple of friends, registry office. No fuss or huge expense involved. A big do would have been lovely, but funds simply weren't available to spend on that.

I hope you won't feel too badly slighted
As you had already been invited
To the wedding celebration
No longer to be held in this nation
But you really ought to understand
You only need spend many grand
And use up all your holiday
Travelling such a long way
If you truly wanted to attend
You'd be more than happy to so spend
But as you won't, please get lost
For we've lost track of the cost
So to ensure Brazil is fantastic
We're splashing out (on the plastic)
And won't have left any cash
After our transatlantic dash
But as we're cheeky fuckers here
Please still buy a present (dear)

Fuck me.

Are you really serious?

You want “creative” ways to ask people for a wedding gift, when they will not be attending any wedding or party?

Really?

And you don’t see any issue with the fact that they’re skint and don’t have anything for the house yet it’s ok to go ahead with two weddings?

I say again, really?

Mumof56, I've changed my mind. I'd definitely give (cash) if I was sent that poem!

If you are going to communicate with any guests, the correct term is "register office"!!.

You sound over involved. Does your son and your new DIL mind you making decisions like this?

I fear you are in for a bit of a bashing here OP. Fwiw I know how hard it can be to accommodate everyone when people who grew up far from each other tie the knot.

In your case if people directly ask you if they can give something I would just suggest cash, and DS can write them a nice thank you letter saying what they spent it on.

People will tell you it is mega crass to ask for cash but I love it when people ask for money at weddings - minimum effort on my part and couple get what they actually want!! I hate those honeyfund web pages and don't see much difference between deciding to give £50 and "buying" them a gravy boat and some place mats on the John Lewis site, or just giving them the cash.

They both must have good jobs, otherwise they wouldn't have got the visa, so why not do some overtime instead of begging from friends?

I married someone 5000 miles from my home. We picked a country (his), invited some very close people, understood if they couldn't come, and were really grateful if they could.

When asked for a gift list (even though we said no gifts) they could buy things like Heinz Baked Beans or HP Sauce. Stuff from home, cheap for them, lovely for me to have.

Some people went generously off-list but invitees were strongly advised that there was no expectation of gifts at all. And yes, immigration sucks and is massively expensive. But I got DH out of it and I would buy him again if I had to.

Wow! Surely the only thing you can say is that 'there is no UK wedding so unfortunately there isn't a list either as they're not expecting any gifts' and leave it at that. If they insist and send a cheque or whatever then that's entirely their choice.

There's absolutely no way you can say 'sorry folks there's no wedding but here's a list!!' Literally absolutely no way!!