Don't know how to word this wedding news

[Adnerb95]

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

OP - no wedding party in the UK, no gift list.

If people still ask about gifts tell them this and if they still want to send a gift because they like the couple & want to mark the marriage then they can send them a cheque or John Lewis voucher.

And if you are out of pocket, tough. You're not supposed to use wedding gifts to recoup the costs of a wedding.

We are not naive, we have taken precautions around sending cash etc.

Many people want a Church wedding, not just a register office one. That was for pure convenience.

chesty is right - no it's not actually Brazil, but it would be dishonourable culturally if a large number of her family were not invited to the wedding and fed and watered royally. This would be a matter of deep shame for them.

I am a bit "bah, humbug" about wedding costs and compared to many wedding bills, the Brazilian do is still very modest, just a lot of money to them and us.

The UK do was going to be very DIY - my bro catering, village hall, etc - but even that cost is just a bridge too far.

As for those who ask why they have needed so much support, until you have been in this situation, you have no idea just how stressful it can be for the couple ...

I am married to a foreign national. UK church marriage. Minster, two witnesses and woman who worked in Church. Visa sorted. Didnt need a second or third although could have seen how that mights have worked in terms of a "cultural wedding". Have a friend who married a Candadian in the registry office. Didnt need to do anything else. We then opted to have a bigger ceremony a year later but the marriage was proper low key, not low key as in smaller ceremony than we wanted.

Yes family missed out in various places but no-one forces people to have three events.

I wouldn't be given a present. If I was close I might help them with some second hand stuff set up a house.

I also think there is something not fitting together here. The alluding of the country makes things more complicated. An invite to Brazil or country of that distance would be out of more people's budget. I also wonder why you are paying. As outdated as it is in our country many countries it is the bride's families that pay if not the couple themselves.

I equally don't know why it is so complicated for you with the language difference as it is her first language..

Also your DS ..How old is he..Does he not have the money to pay for the wedding?

starlight

It's not as far as Brazil and is a holiday destination that U.K. Use fairly frequently.

DIL first language is not English. She speaks some but is not fluent.

My DS has spent over £6,000 on their long distance relationship over the last 18 months one way or the other - flights, time off work, etc etc so no he doesn't have the money.

Just send out a message with profuse apologies that due to unexpected expenses of overseas wedding the get together in the UK has had to be cancelled. You have had very kind support from family and friends with people asking if there is a wedding list. Whilst the bride and groom do not expect any gifts if people still want to go ahead and get them something then the list which had been previously organised when the UK get together was originally planned still stands and can be found at (specify location/shop/or offer to email if requested).

Hang on though, if people expect to be fed and watered royally then the family of those expectant people pay for it! And that sounds as if it's a tradition so who traditionally pays? Is it always the groom's family? Seriously, airfares to this wedding alone would buy them some furniture etc if they are that strapped for cash, let alone the cost of the wedding. I know it's too far along to rethink it now but it's a shame the celebration that would mean more to you might have to be shelved and the money pit one is going ahead.

I am married to a foreign national. UK church marriage. Minster, two witnesses and woman who worked in Church.

Unless this was a CofE church, you need to do the civil ceremony as well. Only CofE vicars and registrars can legally register the marriage. (Different rules may apply if you married in Scotland).

I used to manage the registration service, and the biggest reason for "deathbed weddings" was because people had had a religious service and assumed that meant they were legally married for things like pensions, inheritance etc.

Dishonourable. Well tough if they can't afford it.
Two weddings and you expect people to buy gifts as they are short of money?
He's spent £6000! Really? Madness.
If they can't afford the wedding they want they wait or compromise. I wouldn't be getting involved or expecting people you're not even inviting to help them fund their choices.

Definitely no list if people ask. It isn’t a wedding (they’ll have had two of those already) it’s just a party. An imaginary one.

This is madness. There is a budget for each wedding. You tell her family what the “Brazil” bit is and leave them to it. Their honor is not your problem. If she’d married a poor local this shit would not be going on.

It strikes me you are paying a lot for a wedding where you will be uncomfortable outsiders vastly outnumbered by her family. And I’ve had my own foreign wedding where my family do speak a fair amount of the language and despite being about 50/50 numbers wise they are still outsiders.

You just cannot have a UK wedding list now that you are not having an event here. It sounds like your DS and DIL should skipped the whole Brazilian wedding and just go over to visit when they have more cash and they’ve bought the basics for their home together. Most people don’t have three weddings.

If you don’t want a party just message everyone and say it’s canceled.

If you do want a party then hire a function room in a bar, chuck a bit of money behind the bar and do informal evening drinks to celebrate.

Sounds like DILs family are forgetting that a wedding is one day (whereas the marriage is for the rest of their lives)and the money would be better spent on items for their house so that they’re not starting their marriage with sod-all to live with and sod-all money to live on but as long as all her relatives had a good knees up at someone else’s expense then it’s all okay
Sounds like a very stressful and awful way to start tbh, whatever the ‘expectations’ are.
Whatever language it is, perhaps you need to learn “no” whenever there’s suggestions of going over budget

This going to seem harsh BUT, their cultural expectations are not your concern. You certainly shouldn’t be paying for it. What would her family do if she was marrying a fellow ‘Brazilian’?

As for them needing things for their first home, they’ll have to do it a bit at a time pretty much like most people have done and still do.

I’m saying this as I was badly burned by my own DS wedding this year in the US. We talked to her folks about cost and agreed to pay what each of us would be paying for. As they were in the US, we relied on them to book suits, venues and decorations. When we arrived, we found nothing had been confirmed and as it was so close, we had to pay added premiums to ensure the reception went ahead. We also had to pay extra costs for delivery of the decorations and we had to do the decorating, climbing 20 foot ladders to swathe and attached tulle, fastening fairy lights to ceilings and walls while DIL sisters ‘arranged’ books for the couples table and a chalkboard for the dance floor. All this after flying in from the UK and Middle East.
We found out when we picked the suits up, that the person who ordered the suits received a $250 gift card and when the rings had been paid for, they received an XBox 1. No, DIL family kept quiet about those, even though WE had provided the cash for both.

If I had of had my brain in gear, once we had found out about the decorations and reception food, I would e asked bluntly where the money had gone.

"but it would be dishonourable culturally if a large number of her family were not invited to the wedding and fed and watered royally. This would be a matter of deep shame for them."

Oh please!

So were they always just going to hope that she could snag someone who could afford this with little/no input from them

If they are married & will be living in UK-that's it.

Neither the couple nor their families can afford a party in "Brazil"-so it doesn't happen imo.

Blimey.
My reading of op is this. Ds getting married in reg office here for visa reasons. Wedding in Brazil due to bride (understandably) wanting to get married at home. No financial scope for reception here due to forking out for all that expense. Have told some people uk reception off but they have still offered presents. What should i do?
If people want to buy presents, accept at face value. Put a list together of modest proportions and pop a "or gift vouchers from Argos " on the bottom .
Fwiw, if the groom was one of my friends kids i would probably buy them a gift to mark such a significant event, regardless of invite or not.
If you havent done so already i would pop a note round to anyone expecting a uk reception (maybe in the xmas card) letting them know change of plan

How are they affording this wedding, the visa and the priority fees? Especially with all the money he's spent on the LDR.

There are two more visas to go after this one - they won't be the first couple in this situation to forgo family expectations to afford living together in this country.

So will her family and friends not buy them wedding gifts?

LakieLady

It was a marriage in a Church of Scotland church. The Marriage (Scotland) Act 1977 (and subsequent additional legislation) gives Church of Scotland ministers the right to solemnize marriages. This, through various other Acts and Statutory Instruments has been formally extended to others including Humanist celebrants.

Same old issue. Do they want a marriage or a wedding party. Surely her family could have said "Oh culturally they do things differently in the UK and she's marrying an Englishman.

They got married here. The English end should have celebrated it with a party appropriate to means with her close family invited not paid for. If her family wanted a big party over there to honour It, entirely up to them.

No UK party now therefore no gift list. If people ask "It's entirely up to you".