Don't know how to word this wedding news

[Adnerb95]

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

How old is your DS?

There is nothing wrong with a registry office ceremony or the like. Not everyone wants a church or elaborate wedding, and even if they do then it's clearly not going to happen without expenses. It's the meaning of the words that matter, not the venue. When folks are in love, genuinely in love, they would likely be happy to marry in a ditch with a person who could officiate, and be jolly about it. It seems like this is more about what YOU want.

I would tell the kind gift-enquirers to hold back as you may manage a party when there has been a chance to save up for it.

Then aim to hold a UK celebration around the 1st anniversary of the original wedding and size it according to funds available. A buffet meal in a pub with enough cash behind the bat to buy the first round of drinks is ultra-cheap, or maybe you'll manage a little more.

Celebration does not have to be expensive though. What's important is for the UK people who know and love the couple to have the opportunity to express their support. The people who are still offering a gift are genuinely sad not to have the opportunity to do this. Handing over a gift is a poor salve for that sadness. The appropriate response is not to give them a gift list but to find a way for them to actually have a thing to come to, howeverso modest in the scale of expense.

DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

They’re adults, they can earn money and buy their own ‘first home’ stuff. Like, oh, millions of other people.

Seriously, you cannot be for real. Stop trying to figure out how to get stuff from people you’re not even hosting.

It would be beyond the pale to ask for gifts.
You are talking about adults who should be getting married in a way they can afford.
Just let people know that you hope to celebrate sometime in the near future. Doesn't have to cost a lot of money to share the joy with family and friends surely? You can put your hands out for gifts then.

So you are forking out loads for your son's wedding in another country so most of his friends and relatives won't be able to attend and the bride's family and friends get to benefit from your generosity, but you've had to cancel the wedding in the UK because you can't afford two?

I think you are cancelling the wrong wedding if you ask me.

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

Well yes, I am sure they could, but if there is no wedding then there is no expectation of presents. That's the beginning and the end of it.

It's not awkward or difficult at all really. If you've issued formal invitations for a party that will now not go ahead you issue a formal cancellation and apology explaining that due to unforeseen circumstances you are now unable to host a post-wedding party upon their return from Brazil, that the happy couple are very much still man and wife, just that there will be no UK celebration.

If you haven't got as far as sending formal invitations then just leave it, or message people casually and tell them there's been a change of plan. No need for a big convoluted explanation about money.

DON'T EVEN MENTION PRESENTS unless prompted to do so by someone coming back to you upon news of the party cancellation and saying they'd like to buy one anyway.

And even if they were all invited to 'Brazil' there is still no expectation of a present if they are unable or unwilling to attend. Just because they've not agreed to fork out to go to Brazil doesn't mean they should buy a gift anyway just because you invited them.

I married someone from another country, in the UK. We had a tiny wedding because his family couldn't afford to come over. Multiple weddings/ceremonies/celebrations were not needed.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out

I think she deserves a wedding, not just a registry office ceremony in a foreign country.

Far be it from me to be pernickety - 'she's' had two weddings and now you think there should be a third for gifts. In reality its like this: get married abroad at your own peril. They've had the party in Brazil with her family. For a couple with have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts. perhaps they could stop having intercontinental weddings and use that money instead? Win-win solution.

What you could have don't was : have the registrars do here with a pub room hire after. You didn't. And you know, this isn't your dilemma, it's your son and DILs dilemma.

I agree with the following poster.
"AnathemaPulsifer
You message everyone to say you're not going ahead with an actual celebration in the UK due to these additional expenses, and you're sorry to let them all down. You absolutely do not offer even the slightest hint that gifts should still be forthcoming, even though you may desperately and completely secretly hope.
If somebody does ask even knowing the party is cancelled, just tell them a couple of items. Don't tell more than one person the same items, so there won't be duplicates.

OP I don't know why you feel your FIL has missed out on a wedding. She hasn't. She had a wedding ceremony here and then a wedding celebration in Brazil. There is no need for another one here.

My sister and her husband live in Australia. They came to the UK to get married. I think they had a party back in Australia afterwards for all their Aussie friends who couldn't make the journey to the UK. That's what your son and DiL have done. They do not need another wedding celebration.

Asking for presents in this situation is unbelievably rude.

It is really rude to ask for presents
Most people don't have 'first home' things nowadays they save up and buy them, have hand me downs or cheap secondhand from places like Facebook selling pages etc then when they can afford to replace it buy something themselves to their taste and requirements
For years dh and I had a mismatch of furniture etc that we had been given for our first home by various relatives and friends

If you are contacting people to tell them of changed arrangements and they are still asking about a present list, then say something like,
"No, they haven't made a present list, they really aren't expecting any presents under the circumstances". If the person persists, say "They are setting up home, so any household items would be tremendously helpful for them."
If someone is still clueless, then maybe make a small list - towels, bedding, cutlery etc, and give one idea to each person. If they get it, great, if not, well that is current situation.

Thanks for all your replies - has confirmed that I was right to feel reluctant to make any mention of gifts in whatever missive we send. So it will not be mentioned at all. We will simply respond to any individual requests for a list, as some of you have suggested.

We are heavily involved because of the pressure that all the shenanigans around the visa have put on my DS, for those who have queried this.

In passing, the register office wedding was on a shoestring and those saying that if the wedding is in a developing country it must be cheap, well, think again! That's what we thought until reality hit. Especially when organising from several thousand miles away with people where we don't speak a common language.

Don’t ask for presents. Just no. It used to be normal to start with nothing when you set up house together and get presents from actual wedding attendees. You are choosing to spend more on the party abroad instead of reigning it in. The visa cannot be helped. I was also going to suggest having a celebration/party when you can afford it. In a pub or the local village hall. Perhaps your own home/garden in the summer time. But within the next 12months. I’m sure they can survive with hand me downs and charity shop purchases like most of us did before it was decided sometime in the last 20years that everything had to be sparkly and shiny and brand spanking new.

iceni

Good post!

Cross post. Good. I’m glad you’re listening.

You say the wedding "proper" is in "Brazil", bit it isn't.

It will be here in the UK when they have their first and only wedding.

The other events are just parties. They can't get married a second time.

Surely it doesn't have to be that expensive in her home town? Be helpful to know where it is, but isn't there a hall/church/community building to use, and all the guests bring food? That's what happened when my BIL married a girl from South America. They didn't need a ceremony here either. Although he lived with her for the best part of 5 years whilst waiting for her British visa to come through. Anyway, I'm rambling. Can't her family arrange the Brazilian celebrations?

I’m at a bit of a loss, you mention close friends and family and asking for creative ways to ask for presents.

Yet wouldn’t anyone who gave a shit and knew the couple appreciate their circumstances?

We all love to be kind and altruistic, but for me that is tainted when I feel pushed into a corner and asked to help.

Just trust you close friends and family to help if they want to and by whatever means they can.

Surely your DIL and her family can organise the celebrations in 'Brazil'?

Even if you are helping pay its their wedding not yours and you seem very invested in it.

Just tell people in the Uk no celebrations are going to take place and if individuals contact your son about lists/ presents, your son can discuss with them what would be useful.

I don’t understand your involvement in the Brazil celebrations. That should be down to the couple and possibly her family to organise.

For those wondering why her family don't pay for Brazil wedding, they have no money. And it's impossible to pay for a wedding without getting involved in organising to a certain extent ... we have left as much as possible to them.

Off topic, but what's a "foreign national"? Never heard that before.

I also don't think you can conceivably ask for gifts. When DP and I set up home we got some stuff from charity shops and second hand, all of it is still going strong. They don't need expensive things straight away.