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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don't know how to word this wedding news

243 replies

Adnerb95 · 08/12/2017 23:17

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 09/12/2017 07:12

those saying that if the wedding is in a developing country it must be cheap, well, think again! That's what we thought until reality hit. Especially when organising from several thousand miles away with people where we don't speak a common language.

But OP, why would you do it that way? The bride and her family speak their language and this wedding reception was primarily for her side. Why didn’t they do the negotiations and you write the cheque?

You’ve been very generous but I don’t get this part.

Whatever you do don’t say you’ve cancelled the UK reception because of the “expense” of the Brazilian one. That will make the UK people feel second tier and sound grabby too - as though you’re asking those UK non guests to defray the cost of the real guests.

christmaswreaths · 09/12/2017 07:14

Don't be daft!

I am a foreign national and we didn't have three weddings. Neither have the other colleagues and friends I know who married foreign nationals. One wedding and at a push a meal out for close friends - especially with no cash!!!

SquashedInTight · 09/12/2017 07:16

You have a potluck at your home/local church hall instead of your original party. Food instead of gifts, but everyone gets to celebrate. If you are honest, friends/family will help.

brogan1972 · 09/12/2017 07:23

I'm with Icen and Buttery,
it is nice to celebrate with all your family and friends, but can be such an expensive juggling act when family's are so far apart.
Suggest, to the happy couple, a first anniversary get together for those unable to make the trip to Brazil.
We had similar pressures over 30 years ago. We did the registry office with just my immediate family and a friend (witness) each. Then it was on our 5th anniversary that we managed to travel to his family for a celebration. We always planned a big get together for our silver wedding anniversary, when we would have been able to arrange for a few of his family to actually come to meet mine. Sadly, we had lost so many of those who we were closest to in those 25 years, that we had lost all interest in doing so.
We found that those wishing to give presents will do so, whether there is a get together and a list or not.

runningoutofjuice · 09/12/2017 07:32

I think this thread proves what a waste of money weddings are if the money could be better spent elsewhere! Skint couples don’t get a big wedding unless they can afford it surely? All the money spent by op could have provided them with a deposit on a property or the home comforts that they are hoping the ex-guests are going to cough up for.

melonsandbananas · 09/12/2017 07:33

Are you sure you aren't being fleeced? I married abroad to a foreigner and your story sounds very unlike what usually occurs in our expat circles.

The 'Brazil' party sounds a bit weird. If her family have no money and no passports then surely their expectation of a wedding party would be more in line with their lifestyle and that of their family and friends.

Is it really just the gifts thing bothering you?

speakout · 09/12/2017 07:42

melonsandbananas

Exactly my thoughts.

If these are poor people then they will have weddings and parties that suit their lifestyle, home cooking, everyone chipping in etc.

They simply won't have the money for a fancy wedding if they don't have the cash for passports.

OP are you simply sending the cash?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2017 07:44

heron
A Foreign National is a foreigner. Someone, who has a different nationality from the place they’re living in for example. My dh is no longer a foreign national as he has taken British citizenship because of Brexit. He has dual citizenship.

HamishBamish · 09/12/2017 07:45

I would let people know that a formal party is no longer in the cards, but see about arranging a night to meet up for some drinks? I appreciate not everyone would be able to attend, but it might be an idea for a few?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2017 07:50

I also think it’s extremely unwise to spend all the money abroad. I agree with Rhiwrites, the U.K. family and friends are being given the message they are second tier. Ironic really as these are the ones, you want money and presents from. These won’t be forthcoming from abroad by the sounds of it. These parties are all back to front and everyone has got carried away.

KERALA1 · 09/12/2017 07:56

If you paying the wedding should have been in uk. Cannot believe you funded the overseas one. I would worry you have been fleeced..

chestylarue52 · 09/12/2017 07:57

"The 'Brazil' party sounds a bit weird. If her family have no money and no passports then surely their expectation of a wedding party would be more in line with their lifestyle and that of their family and friends. "

"If these are poor people then they will have weddings and parties that suit their lifestyle, home cooking, everyone chipping in etc."

You've never been to a Brazilian wedding have you Grin

KalaLaka · 09/12/2017 08:07

Try not to worry too much, they're married and have had a proper wedding already.

I hope your DS and DIL are prepared for future ongoing visa costs: it doesn't end here and it's pricey.

iBiscuit · 09/12/2017 08:07

Knowing the circumstances I would have no problem if, on enquiring, I was told about a gift list.

Foodylicious · 09/12/2017 08:10

Can you not hire a hall or room in a pub and do your own buffet food?
If you go for pub there are no bar/booze costs. Use a playlist on laptop so no need for dj etc
If people want to celebrate with your son they won't mind how fancy it is.
Surely yiu could pull back £150 from the brazil affair. That could cover UK if you wanted it too!

Re gifts?
If you are cancelling, then just cancel and

SavoyCabbage · 09/12/2017 08:16

She’s not actually Brazilian though. That’s a decoy country.

I also agree with Melons.

I too am married to a foreign national and I absolutely understand the jumping through hoops and the visa situation. We were grateful that we could be together at all as the hoops we had to jump through were hoops of fire they were so ridiculous. That’s what you focus on.

You marry a foreigner and your (well your sons) life is not going to travelling along the expected path any more.

The things that you thought he might be doing when you thought about him growing up when he was a child are going to be different.

We don’t have Sunday lunches, we have crab and spinach soup and ox tail stew.

For you one of those things is a big wedding here in the UK with a list.

SoupDragon · 09/12/2017 08:17

I think it sounds like you're being fleeced by the "Brazilians".

thelastredwinegum · 09/12/2017 08:22

Hire a function room (some pubs have free ones) ask everyone to bring some buffet food, iPod/ speaker on shuffle, et voila cheap party for the UK people.

BillywilliamV · 09/12/2017 08:24

i probably would send a gift, but Id be annoyed if I was asked for one.

SuburbanRhonda · 09/12/2017 08:31

We are heavily involved because of the pressure that all the shenanigans around the visa have put on my DS, for those who have queried this.

That doesn’t explain why he and his fiancé can’t deal with those “shenanigans” themselves.

giggly · 09/12/2017 08:35

I never understand why people would invite others to their wedding that they were not close enough to that they would not know the current situation or be able to have a telephone conversation about it.
I married abroad and had "3" weddings. 1 abroad with a few friends and a large evening party both paid by me &dh and immediate family and friends evening back at home meal paid by my parents.
We had no list but my dm was able to advise guests . Ie vouchers/towels rec.

Tiddlywinks63 · 09/12/2017 08:36

Sounding odder and odder to me.
Ok for low key register office wedding but forking out £££ for a foreign wedding where the brides' parents/family can't afford to contribute to it really seems very peculiar to me. Who are you/DS/DDIL trying to impress?
Have you met any of her family?
You'd be better off gifting the cost of this to the couple, forget lavish party and grabbing gifts list.

diddl · 09/12/2017 08:43

So they are married, so just a low key celebration with her folks in her country & the same for him?

Why would anyone go to her country to see them marry when they already are?

Rebeccaslicker · 09/12/2017 08:50

So she's got no money, has married your son and is now getting a visa - are you sure your son isn't getting fleeced? Sorry to sound so horrible and cynical, but the way you tell it doesn't make it sound great!

MissBax · 09/12/2017 08:55

Aside from the gifts thing, can't you just hire a (free) room in a bar and explain that there will be informal drinks to celebrate? There's no reason you can't still get people together for a celebration?