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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel slightly offended?

162 replies

BeautyQueenFromMars · 08/12/2017 11:58

I'm not one to take offence easily, as I tend to take things in the spirit in which they are meant, which isn't usually offensively. However, just had a meeting with my new manager (have recently moved depts within same company), and he informed me that the head of the company described me as "a bright girl". I'm 38 ffs!!

Now, I know it's intended as a compliment, the 'big boss' is a lovely Scottish man I get along well with, and I suspect it's a phrase more in his vocab than "intelligent woman", so I'm not going to get all het up about it. But I am a bit affronted, I have to admit. I'm not a ten year old child!

I am struggling a little with my self-worth at the moment, so I could just be over-reacting. Silently, to myself and Mumsnet! Please tell me if IABU...

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautyQueenFromMars · 08/12/2017 12:00

Sorry about the extra exclamation marks. I am obviously more bothered than I thought. Grin

OP posts:
Thiswayorthatway · 08/12/2017 12:02

That wouldn't bother me tbh, take the compliment

demirose87 · 08/12/2017 12:04

You're looking too much into it. Agree, take the compliment. I doubt it was meant in the way you've taken it.

Original poster
BeautyQueenFromMars · 08/12/2017 12:06

Fair enough, I shall do my usual and take the intent rather than the specific words. Thanks.

OP posts:
Montsti · 08/12/2017 12:06

This wouldn't offend me at all. If anything I'd see it as a compliment but I'm 41...any reason to feel young 😜.

I'm sure lots of people will be offended though as is the current climate...

lurkingnotlurking · 08/12/2017 12:07

I wouldn't like it either. But it was intended as a compliment and, annoying as it is, some men (and women) just won't stop calling grown women girls. That doesn't mean I don't pick them up on it, although that's not a great idea in your context

MikeUniformMike · 08/12/2017 12:07

I think maybe you are slightly over-reacting. If you were a 38 yr old bloke and were called 'a bright lad' would that be bad?
I think the manager sees you as young and intelligent, so I'd say it's a compliment.
I really don't like people saying 'girl' when they mean 'woman' though so Yanbu.

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 08/12/2017 12:07

That would get on my tits too, tbh. Not that I would do anything about it, though.

Insomnibrat · 08/12/2017 12:08

I'm 36 and it wouldn't bother me.

theymademejoin · 08/12/2017 12:11

It was meant as a compliment but it would annoy me too. I'm not a girl. I'm an adult. Therefore I should be referred to as a woman.

The phrase sounds a bit patronising, as would the phrase bright boy if used to refer to a 38 year old man.

That said, I would take it in the spirit in which it was intended and say nothing as unfortunately, someone who refers to grown women as girls, is likely to see you as a strident feminist and dismiss your point as making a big deal out of nothing.

p.s. I would see being a feminist and being seen as one to be a positive but strident anything, not so good, particularly for your career.

Originalfoogirl · 08/12/2017 12:11

I'm 43, I've had it said too. I hate it. It is utterly patronising and is sexist. Nobody would ever suggest (beyond School) that a guy was a "bright boy"

That said, I would normally just make a snarky comment about it and move on.

Trinity66 · 08/12/2017 12:16

It is really patronising although probably totally unintentionally so

theymademejoin · 08/12/2017 12:16

@BeautyQueenFromMars - if you're 41, I doubt anyone is seeing you as 17 or under.........

Trinity66 · 08/12/2017 12:17

I think maybe you are slightly over-reacting. If you were a 38 yr old bloke and were called 'a bright lad' would that be bad?

It would never happen though

nakedscientist · 08/12/2017 12:22

It’s old fashioned and since you know that the big boss is a decent guy ( context here is everything) you know it’s a compliment from him.
However, the new manager could have translated that into more professional language. I think they have downgraded the compliment a bit by not doing so and you’ve picked up on that. He could for example have said “ the big boss thinks a lot of your capabilities”
However on the scale of things it is a good thing.

Hold your head up high and next time correct them and yes thanks I am an intelligent woman”

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/12/2017 12:25

I wish you'd said, "Aww he's a lovely lad, that one."

ClareB83 · 08/12/2017 12:30

It would annoy me too. I have a relatively well used rant on the girls/woman thing.

But in your context I wouldn't bother doing anything now.

At the time I might have said "well that's nice, although I'm a woman not a girl". I wouldn't have taken it any further than that since it's your big boss and a compliment and he's not there.

whiskyowl · 08/12/2017 12:37

Yes, agree, it's a bit patronising.

I had a boss who used to say "The ladies who use our service... oh no, I've done it again... the WIMMIN who use our service - they don't like being called ladies, bless them, not sure why but I've been told I have to say WIMMIN"

Every time. And we worked for a female-specific branch of the NHS.

coddiwomple · 08/12/2017 12:40

It's just a compliment and a common expression, really can't see the issue. I probably use it myself, and I am female.

deste · 08/12/2017 12:40

I think it is a Scottish thing because I wouldn’t even think anything of it. It was meant as a compliment obviously, just take it in the spirit it was meant.

If you said “I’m a woman not a girl” I think he might have thought differently of you.

neveradullmoment99 · 08/12/2017 12:50

I would not be offended at all. Would take it as a compliment.
We say having a night out with the girls. Its no big deal. Certainly not worth complaining about. I think its rather nice.

neveradullmoment99 · 08/12/2017 12:50

Do you never say a girly night out????

ANnieAnoniMouse · 08/12/2017 12:54

Do your usual ‘take it in the way it was intended’.

Until there is a commonly accepted casual term for females akin to guys/lads/blokes I’ll continue to use ‘girl’ and not be remotely offended by others doing the same. Ladies, women - far too formal & stuffy.

zukiecat · 08/12/2017 13:25

I'm Scottish and it wouldn't bother me at all, it wouldn't even register with me

We also call men boys too

In every day conversation we'll say "The boy"

As in "What's this boy doing" or "Where's the boy today"

We don't mean children, it's always men

Women are Girls, Ladies or Wifies!

ThymeLord · 08/12/2017 13:30

You aren't being unreasonable in the slightest OP. It is an example of yet another element of the constant drip drip drip of sexism towards women and girls. Inevitably, if you are annoyed by it even in the slightest, you are told not to overreact.

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