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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel slightly offended?

162 replies

BeautyQueenFromMars · 08/12/2017 11:58

I'm not one to take offence easily, as I tend to take things in the spirit in which they are meant, which isn't usually offensively. However, just had a meeting with my new manager (have recently moved depts within same company), and he informed me that the head of the company described me as "a bright girl". I'm 38 ffs!!

Now, I know it's intended as a compliment, the 'big boss' is a lovely Scottish man I get along well with, and I suspect it's a phrase more in his vocab than "intelligent woman", so I'm not going to get all het up about it. But I am a bit affronted, I have to admit. I'm not a ten year old child!

I am struggling a little with my self-worth at the moment, so I could just be over-reacting. Silently, to myself and Mumsnet! Please tell me if IABU...

OP posts:

blackteasplease · 08/12/2017 17:01

It's really patronising and not acceptable.

It might be his usual vocab but this is the workplace and we don't refer to women as girls there. In the same way as we don't refer to people by racially pejorative terms.

NKFell · 08/12/2017 17:02

Lad is not the equivalent of boy. An adult woman shouldn't be referred to as a girl in a professional environment.

coddiwomple · 08/12/2017 17:11

People should make note and never refer to their member of staff as "girl/ woman/ female/lady", but use the word "employee" instead to avoid offending anyone.

The tricky bit is that women also get offended if they are called "mate, guys". So is "people" acceptable?

I would find the expression "she is a bright employee" a lot more patronising than " a bright girl (which I use myself!)" but it seems people are happier with it.

theymademejoin · 08/12/2017 17:13

@coddiwomple - what's wrong with just saying "she's very bright"?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2017 17:15

Increasinglymiddleages
I don’t agree. Lad is also a term used for cheeky men, jack the lad etc. It’s not at all the same. The way in which you are using lad is very much the way in which lass is employed.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2017 17:19

Incidenally, Is "bright" a word people use about adults?

But anyway, for the hard of thinking. "She's very bright" "She's a bright person" are the first 2 alternatives I came up with for "She's a bright girl"

You're welcome.

coddiwomple · 08/12/2017 17:23

Of course "bright" is used for adults, why wouldn't it?

In a real conversation, who would say "she's a bright person"? If that human is that bright, I wouldn't have to worry to offend her for silly reasons anyway. If you have to think too much about what you say when you give a compliment, then it's not deserved in the first place.

In real life, saying "he's a really bright guy" "she is a very bright girl" is very common, has no connotation whatsoever. You just point out that someone is clever. How do people end up complaining about that? Good grief.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2017 17:28

"Of course "bright" is used for adults, why wouldn't it?"

Fair enough. I just don't think I would, that's all.

But you really can't call dull women "girls" . Whether they are bright or not.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2017 17:30

And it's interesting that you say "guy" not " boy" for men. Why's that?

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2017 17:31

adult, not dull. But no doubt you will think that was a Freudian typo......

StarWarsFanatic · 08/12/2017 17:34

I hate it when people refer to me as a girl but I would take the complement.

I get it though, if someone other than my Mum calls me "babe" I have a massive urge to punch them in the face.

whiskyowl · 08/12/2017 17:35

"bright" is for women. Men are "geniuses" or "intelligent" or "intellectual". Women are "bright" or "clever". Spot the difference.

There are some interesting books on the way that the language of genius became highly gendered in the early nineteenth century.

whiskyowl · 08/12/2017 17:37

(not exclusively, of course, but there is a tendency to diminish female intellectual achievement and augmented male).

There was an interesting study recently that suggested this is already in place with undergraduates. Male undergrads significantly underrated their female peera compared to their grades, and significantly overrated their male peers.

coddiwomple · 08/12/2017 17:41

"bright" is for women. Men are "geniuses" or "intelligent" or "intellectual". Women are "bright" or "clever". Spot the difference.

maybe in your experience, not in my world. Why do you use different terms? I don't and people around me don't either.

I use "guy" not "boy", and I use "girl" not "gal". Not sure why, but I bet the same people would be just as offended if I was saying "she's a bright gal".
I also use "guys" when I address a group of female. None has been offended so far

chocatoo · 08/12/2017 17:42

I like to be described as a girl but that's probably because I'm an old git who spends quite a lot of time trying to preserve the illusion of youth

coddiwomple · 08/12/2017 17:54

To be fair, if someone was calling me "good girl", I wouldn't take that as a compliment

dadshere · 08/12/2017 18:06

It depends- If you are not bright then yes it is offensive, also if you are not a girl it is offensive. If you are both of these then no YABU. I am over 40 and happily describe myself as a girl to my dd, and would love to be called a bright/pretty girl. (sadly not likely though)

theymademejoin · 08/12/2017 18:09

@dadshere - also if you are not a girl it is offensive.

As the OP has stated that she is 38, she is obviously an adult so not a girl.

Spangles1963 · 08/12/2017 18:17

This reminded me of when my late DM used to get referred to as a girl,by a friend of hers. He was 90,she was 75! DM said he did it because compared to him,she was a mere girl.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2017 18:57

"I use "guy" not "boy", and I use "girl" not "gal". Not sure why"

Well I'm not sure about girl and gal, but you say "guy" not "boy" because a "boy" is a male child, not a man. The same applies to "girl"
And it is interesting, don't you think that you can call a mixed group "guys" but not "girls"....

BlessYourCottonSocks · 08/12/2017 19:06

DH is Scottish. And he says, 'What's that boy called - the one that called about the plumbing?' for example. That boy was well into his 40s.

I've also heard him say, 'Och look at that poor wee lassie' about an elderly woman in her 80s. I wouldn't care about being called either 'a bright girl' or 'a bright lassie'. And I'm over 50.

Better that than the company head saying you were a dim girl .

thewisestoldelf · 08/12/2017 19:22

Do you get offended over everything?

I'm Scottish and using "girl" to describe a woman is pretty standard. A bit like when we say "how" to mean "why" or "messages" to mean "shopping".

Not everything is offensive or said to belittle you and ruin your self esteem. He's remarked, in his own dialect, that you're clever.

I'm sorry but this constant outrage/taking offence at the slightest thing is tiring.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2017 19:46

I think that's probably completed my check list.

I had forgotten the "Do you get outraged by everything?" Which is the professionally unoffended's response to anyone being mildly offended by anything..........

Increasinglymiddleaged · 08/12/2017 20:01

Incidenally, Is "bright" a word people use about adults?

Yes . I actually think this thread gets more ridiculous the further it goes. People desperately trying to see sexism and offence for the sake of being offended.

ElvisIsAliveAndLivingInHull · 08/12/2017 20:02

YABU! What a stupid thing to get pissy about!

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