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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to stop her ruining other people's lives?

188 replies

CoveGirl · 07/12/2017 16:27

I live in a close knit fishing village with my husband in the south west and have done for many years.

A while ago I discovered my DH was having an affair with a local woman who I regularly socialised with (she had 2 children at the time and was married). I was understandably devastated, but worked through things with DH and tried to move beyond it - remains bloody difficult seeing OW regularly and trying to be civil.

Fast forward and she has split with her former DH, remarried & had another LO. Her former DH has been painted as the person at fault, and laments that perhaps he didn't give her enough time as he worked away (he knows nothing of her indiscretions to my knowledge).

To all intents and purposes she and her new husband are the picture of happiness.

I recently discovered she's had multiple affairs (at least 4) - all with the husbands of local women, many of whom are supposedly her friends and some of whom are facing their own struggles.

Here is my dilemma - do I say anything and out her for the person she really is? I hate seeing these women humiliated like I was and being the last to know they are being betrayed. BUT I also need to question my motives - I confess it pains me to see her happy when she caused me so much pain and I don't want to be the cause of needless suffering. AIBU in telling these women what this woman is doing?

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 07/12/2017 19:19

Bold text doesn't appear to be working...

You’re just not doing it right. Wink

Orangesandlemons1 · 07/12/2017 19:19

Show me potato - yes I did call her a slut and a home wrecker. The men involved I called cheating arseholes. Because they have all behaved despicably. I am not making out the woman to be any worse than the men. So your point about me referring to the other woman being a slut and a home wrecker contradicts my opinion that women shouldn’t trample on other women is incorrect. That isn’t the case. I have trampled over and namecalled the men and women in this situation who have cheated. I have name called and trampled on a specific behaviour. Not a sex.

I’m not unhinged either. I just feel that if I was the op I couldn’t have it on my conscience that the same thing that happened to me was happening to other women. So I would speak up. So they all have to face their actions.
Then I wouldn’t feel any guilt that I was colluding in the wrongness of it all by keeping quiet.
And yes it would give me pleasure to expose it all and see people take responsibility for their behaviour. So it would be revenge also.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 19:20

You’re just not doing it right

Point taken Grin

Mintychoc1 · 07/12/2017 19:21

OP has made her DH "pay" for what he did, so there has been plenty of focus on him already. Why are wronged wives not allowed to loathe and detest the OW, and crave revenge? Yes of course the DH had made the vows etc etc, but the OW is still being cruel and careless with the feelings of a fellow human being and therefore deserves to be hated. I really don't think this is a tricky concept.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/12/2017 19:22

Oh I wouldn’t be keeping anyone’s dirty little secret. What goes around comes around.

And I don’t get this “the men are as bad as her” attitude. Let’s work it out, shall we? She has had an affair with 5 married men? Each of those men have had 1 (presumably). If you want to play fair and decide if they really ARE as bad as her surely you look at how many times each person has fucked up a relationship?

1 for each man, 5 for her.

I know who’s the nastiest person there and am surprised at the attitude on here.

Schlimbesserung · 07/12/2017 19:22

I live in a similar sort of place as you, OP, but in a different area. I'd say nothing, but maybe get some sort of help to work through my feelings surrounding the whole sorry mess. Telling anyone would be pretty much the same as telling everyone IME and it could backfire massively.
Even if it didn't all get turned round so it looked like you were at fault, you would know that every time you left your house people were looking at you and whispering to each other. You don't say if you have children, but gossip would reach them and hurt them if you do, and even if you don't it's likely that some of the other families affected do.
The people cheating deserve nothing from you, but there are innocent people involved too and they don't deserve to be hurt like this. Perhaps they will find out in time and perhaps not. That isn't your concern.
I think it might be momentarily satisfying to expose the grubby details of this woman's sex life, but I think the satisfaction would be short-lived and you would end up feeling worse, not better.
You have every right to feel angry and bitter and humiliated. There are much safer ways to deal with that, such as counselling. By all means let it all out, but do it in a safe place where nobody is going to repeat what you've said.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 19:24

Oranges It's not the OP's fault that it's happening to other people and it's not her responsibility to resolve it. Surely at this point she deserves not to have to worry about it anymore than is absolutely necessary? Like I said in my other post having a discreet word with the necessary people may not be a bad idea, but all this talk about revenge, exposing people, etc, it's really not healthy.

There seems to be a slight sense on here of goading the OP into action. OP doesn't have to do anything and surely deserves to have some peace and get on with her marriage and her life if that's what she's decided to do?

Getting pleasure from revenge isn't healthy. I highly doubt it would even make you feel good, especially as it would have negative consequences in and of itself. If it's coming from a place of unhappiness how can it good for you? Like others have said, it could massively backfire and make OP's life harder.

Orangesandlemons1 · 07/12/2017 19:25

Mintychoc I agree entirely.
I would be heartbroken and furious with dh if he cheated but I would hate the ow if she knowingly had a relationship with a Man who had a wife and ds.
Revenge is perfectly ok. What else would you want in a situation like this? To wish the ow well and let her get on with finding her next married man.
Nope I’d want to see some responsibility taken for all the cheating parties appalling behaviour. Why should the pain be all mine? And then id move on.
This is just imo. I understand other people may be able to be the bigger person and turn the other cheek. But not me.

PossiblyPFB · 07/12/2017 19:41

There is a woman in my town who has had multiple affairs, with work colleagues and random men and ski chalet workers and all sorts. She was pretty brazen about it all. got caught out by her DH. He warned her to stop. She did not. It was an ego thing for her. To know that she could be desirable to all these men. She was blatantly on the sniff with other people’s husbands for attention but knew better than to go with any of them for real. She is now divorced from her nice ex -DH and with ski chalet dude. They pretend they met after the breakup which isn’t true. It’s very annoying to me that no one seems to know what all she’s done. Everyone is just so polite and British & it seems random to bring it up so.... it just sits there.

Doesn’t impact my life, though, so I’m just annoyed from afar at ex-friend.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 19:53

why are you so angry? OP has stated several times she knows her DH isn’t faultless yet you are like a starved dog with a frigging bone.Give it a rest love.

stilllookingforwaldo no thanks 'love' Hmm I won't give it a rest and I'm not angry. There's many others on here saying the same thing as me yet you're all piling on me thinking I'm new here, bless you all. I'm really not and I'm really not angry and I've taken a lot worse than silly people going "are you sure you're not the OW?" when if they'd bothered to RTFT they'd know I'd never do that to another woman. Just pointing out the obvious does not mean someone is angry just because they refuse to tag along with other posters calling the OW a slut. Especially when the DH is one too.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/12/2017 20:04

Someone mentioned that it’s all very “British” to keep this quiet. So true! It’s such an old-fashioned attitude.

Do people really expect the OP to stand there and keep her mouth shut when she hears other people paying that woman a compliment, saying how friendly she is?in that circumstance I’d be saying with a very raised eyebrow “oh yes, she’s VERY friendly indeed! Particularly with the men in the village.” And let them work it out for themselves. No need to put an announcement in the local newspaper.

nigelschristmasham · 07/12/2017 20:05

I often wonder about it 'not being healthy' to want revenge on someone who has fucked you over.Id actually say it's a normal human reaction to want the person or people in this case to feel a similar Sort of pain to that which they inflicted on you. And I can tell you from personal experience that watching that person stroll off with not a mark on them feels very unfair indeed. And furthermore years of counselling won't necessarily take that feeling away-it will just help you mediate it internally so it doesn't eat you up constantly.But it won't take it away. Why do you think so many people cling to the notion of Karma? Of course we want the cosmos to return the ills of other people to them ten fold because that saves us from having to do it ourselves...
I would says again op-what would you have wanted if someone had been in the position to tell you that your husband was cheating? If you would rather have known then I think you should calmly and discreetly tell them. What they do with that information is not down to you, but it's probably the right thing.

SylviaTietjens · 07/12/2017 20:37

I really want to know if this is my village. Do you have a Christmas crab? If you do you have to tell me who it is, I love a gossip. If you hadn’t mentioned the younger dc I would’ve guessed it was my dm.

QueenNefertitty · 07/12/2017 20:40

What's your publisher delivery date, OP...?

QueenNefertitty · 07/12/2017 20:40

I'd suggest you work in @Sylvia's Christmas crab as a plot device regardless

Orangesandlemons1 · 07/12/2017 20:43

Nigel’s I’m glad someone feels the same way as me.
I’ve been accused of being unhinged for suggesting I’d want revenge if I was in this situation.
I don’t mean harm her revenge I meant in the form of the ow having to take some responsibility and answer for her actions and for it to impact on her life, as well as mine.
I don’t think that’s unreasonable or unhinged really.

SylviaTietjens · 07/12/2017 20:43

Oh balls. Hadn’t twigged the unnecessary inclusion of sw fishing village as being a suggestion of hairy handedness. If you do need suggestions for your book I have some fantastically fishy anecdotes about a sw fishing village that features a Christmas crab.

Orangesandlemons1 · 07/12/2017 20:44

But you know us unhinged are in the minority. most people on here could clearly turn the other cheek Hmm

PollyPerky · 07/12/2017 20:49

The OP has long gone.

But..if you happen to be reading...
what I said earlier.

In a small village everyone knows what's going on. They do in mine. We all know who's shagging who.

I cannot seriously believe that you think most people are in the dark about this.

If you know, then why shouldn't they?

You just want revenge. Not nice.

PollyPerky · 07/12/2017 20:51

Is this Doc Martin territory? (it's on telly now- just made me wonder.)

Tales of a Cornish Village.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 21:07

No dont be silly Pollyperky.

Doc Martin would have his gloves on giving all the wandering men and women a good dust down and deep clean before they were allowed in his surgery. He'd be scared of catching crabs Grin

Animation86 · 07/12/2017 21:10

Homewrecker is also almost exclusively a term used about women

Not by me it isn’t

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/12/2017 21:37

So glad I didn’t bother posting my salient pearl of wisdom Grin

BlackEyedKid · 07/12/2017 21:42

I don’t think it matters what your motives are. I think you should sing like a canary 🦅*

*not a canary

VioletHaze · 07/12/2017 22:25

I think I said this earlier, but I really don't think the OP is protecting OW by keeping quiet. I think she's protecting herself and her DH too.

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