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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something to stop her ruining other people's lives?

188 replies

CoveGirl · 07/12/2017 16:27

I live in a close knit fishing village with my husband in the south west and have done for many years.

A while ago I discovered my DH was having an affair with a local woman who I regularly socialised with (she had 2 children at the time and was married). I was understandably devastated, but worked through things with DH and tried to move beyond it - remains bloody difficult seeing OW regularly and trying to be civil.

Fast forward and she has split with her former DH, remarried & had another LO. Her former DH has been painted as the person at fault, and laments that perhaps he didn't give her enough time as he worked away (he knows nothing of her indiscretions to my knowledge).

To all intents and purposes she and her new husband are the picture of happiness.

I recently discovered she's had multiple affairs (at least 4) - all with the husbands of local women, many of whom are supposedly her friends and some of whom are facing their own struggles.

Here is my dilemma - do I say anything and out her for the person she really is? I hate seeing these women humiliated like I was and being the last to know they are being betrayed. BUT I also need to question my motives - I confess it pains me to see her happy when she caused me so much pain and I don't want to be the cause of needless suffering. AIBU in telling these women what this woman is doing?

OP posts:

InvisibleKittenAttack · 07/12/2017 18:01

2 people betrayed you if she was your friend as well.

The MN view is it's only the person you married you should expect to treat you well, but you said she was your friend, she betrayed your friendship as well as your DH betraying your marriage. While his betrayal was worse, that doesn't excuse hers.

If this woman makes a habit of making friends with a woman and then 'using' that way into the family to get close to their DH with the intention of having an affair with him, then while the men are in the wrong to have the affair, it might make your communty a bit of a happier place if woman aren't in the habit of inviting her into their homes and lives.

It might also help those woman who think there's something wrong with their judgement that they made friends with her and trusted her, to know they aren't the only ones taken in by her.

(This rather assumes the woman know their DHs have had/are having an affair with her, if they don't know at all, then you should say.)

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 18:04

Its perfectly reasonable to be angry at both affair partners but some how the ow is always less to blame and I for one dont understand how any woman can minimise the ow's part in an affair and its devastation.

Only I haven't minimised it at all. She's not less to blame she's equally to blame.
Just as he's equally the OM as she is the OW.

ButchyRestingFace · 07/12/2017 18:05

But how RUDE and shitty is it to screw someone's husband while smiling sweetly at them and pretending nothing is happening.

Au contraire, I think it would be worse if the bitch was shagging my husband AND giving me attitude at the same time.

Of COURSE she's going to be as nice as pie to the OP, she was having an affair with her husband and the nature of affairs is that they are conducted in secret. So "pretending nothing is happening" is par for the course.

It would be a rather odd affair if OW had come out and TOLD OP she was doing it.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 18:07

Your repeated broken record response is irrelevant and completely misses the point.

Ah my mistake. You must have skipped the post where I pointed out I'd been the OP then before wrongly assuming I was the OW. Unsurprisingly.

streetlife70s · 07/12/2017 18:09

Sorry OP but you left your dignity at the door when you took him back.

Don’t make yourself look bitter and embarrass yourself even more by focussing on someone who had zero loyalty to you. It’s her business what she does.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 07/12/2017 18:09

To all of you preaching at me about the BPD comment: BPD is associated with risky and impulsive behaviour, particularly promiscuity. Also good, alcohol and drugs to a lesser extent. It's also a very common condition. It's not stigmatising mental health conditions to point out something that is true. If someone is exhibiting such extreme sexually risky behaviour BPD is a distinct possibility.

Turquoise123 · 07/12/2017 18:09

You live in a close knit village ? Then they know already i bet.....

roundaboutthetown · 07/12/2017 18:10

Affairs conducted with numerous men in the village are going to be an open secret at best - they are not going to be a genuine secret for long! You can't piss in your own patch on numerous occasions without creating a big stink in the end.

WhoWants2Know · 07/12/2017 18:11

*Call her an adulterer in public? Do the same to him.

Warn women about her? Tell them all above your husband's enjoyment of extra marital affairs too.

Maybe put the ex husband in touch with your husband too ...

How does that feel for you, comfortable?*

I get that I’m probably not typical, but yes. That’s pretty much how I’d handle it. Secrecy makes the whole situation the OP’s problem, while the pair who cheated have no consequences.

But by telling people and then carrying on as normal, the problem is handed back to the people who made the decision to cheat. Let them run the gauntlet of stares and whispers in public.

WhooooAmI24601 · 07/12/2017 18:11

tried to move beyond it

OP your post mentions that you've tried to move beyond it, but how will you ever move beyond it if you're watching out for her and keeping tabs? Something like this could eat away at you and after the hideousness of what she and your DH did together, would it be worth losing part of your happiness and joy long-term to dwell on this?

It's easier said than done, I know that first-hand. But people who do this are unhappy and ridiculous and shallow and vain. Let her live that revolting life and make sure you live a better one by letting this go. Happy people don't have affairs. Not truly happy people. The ones who do are the ones who go to great lengths to show everyone how happy they are, and you know darned well it's nonsense. Don't focus on her a minute longer.

expatinscotland · 07/12/2017 18:12

'Affairs conducted with numerous men in the village are going to be an open secret at best - they are not going to be a genuine secret for long! You can't piss in your own patch on numerous occasions without creating a big stink in the end.'

Exactly! Everyone probably knows she's the town bike, and probably ridden her at one point or another.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 18:12

Are you planning to warn the locale about your husband as well, or just her?

VioletHaze · 07/12/2017 18:14

In my slightly painful experience, declaring to the village that your husband had an affair with this woman is a pretty high risk manoeuvre. Some people will blame and shun her as you want. Others will judge your husband, judge you for staying with him. You've no idea how her ex will react (it's entirely possible you'll end up with a punch up on your doorstep, as he won't exactly be happy with your DH) and you've no idea what she'll say or what secrets will come spilling out.

Odds are it'll set you and your DH pretty much back to square one. You won't "win" out of this. No one will win.

Far better to try and let it go.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 07/12/2017 18:15

Butchy - but there's difference between being just polite, and pretending to be the friend of someone who's DH you are shagging. And she makes a habit of sleeping with the DH's of friends.

If the various other wives don't know about their DH's affair, then that's a different issue again if they should be told, even if they aren't told about how many other affairs this woman is /has had.

I assume this woman is able to get away with repeating the same behaviour because people don't know. The woman inviting her into their homes really think she wants to be their friend. The men think they are special she wants them.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 18:18

I just think it's ridiculous how two people have an affair and one person gets forgiven and is allowed to carry on to all intents and purposes as if it never happened. Meanwhile the other person (who incidentally is usually the woman) is exposed to all and sundry as a devil woman who ruins people's lives. Meanwhile hubby is sitting pretty having had his fun and now back with his wife.

Honeycake50 · 07/12/2017 18:18

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 07/12/2017 18:21

Exactly. All these people saying the woman is just as bad as the husband: THIS is the point. This is why I, and others, said the OP should only be willing to do to this woman what she would also do to her husband. She doesn't get to paint the woman as a slut while playing happily families with a cheating scumbag.

Orangesandlemons1 · 07/12/2017 18:22

Do it. Yes the other men and you husband are weren’t blameless. But ignore ops saying why are you blaming her and not them. This way everyone will need to face up to facts and what they have done. Also, she has done this numerous times, she is deliberately deceiving friends. why should everyone else pay the price while she keeps up the facade she has playing out. Tell, and watch the whole facade fall on its face around her. Take pleasure in it. I wouldn’t blame you. Then you move on. You don’t need to give her any more headspace. It will be like therapy. You are keeping her dirty secrets at the moment.
You have nothing to loose. Neither does her ex husband. Neither do the other women. Neither does her husband now. He can’t loose the happy marriage he never had.
Why does she get to go round being sweetness and light?
Your husband will also have to take some further responsibility for his behaviour if you tell, as clearly you have worked through things but presumably it is not otherwise common knowledge.
The other men also will have to take responsibility for what they have done. But surely their wives have the right to know and the right to forgive. Or not.
Good luck.

roundaboutthetown · 07/12/2017 18:24

ShowMePotatoSalad - what utter drivel. The OW got off far more lightly than the OP's dh, as the OP's dh was chucked out of the house for a while, so it must have been obvious to the village he'd had an affair with somebody. The OP clearly now thinks her dh has learnt his lesson. The OW, on the other hand, appears to have learnt no lesson whatsoever, partly because nobody has ever called her on her behaviour, enabling her to repeat her destructive behaviour with several different people.

clarabowsandopentoes · 07/12/2017 18:24

If you do start doing the rounds, informing on her, just be prepared for a negative backlash aimed at you. I've seen it happen in my small town. What you propose is not a risk free strategy.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 18:25

orangesandlemons1 do you think the OP will take pleasure in her DH bring outed as the OM? Because he will be.

Mintychoc1 · 07/12/2017 18:25

It's the ultimate bizarre MN double standard.

If you're the wronged wife you're not allowed to hate the OW because she's not the one who made the promises.

However, if you post as an OW, you are told you're a total bitch who is deliberately destroying someone's life.

I'm confused!

Eltonjohnssyrup · 07/12/2017 18:26

*I get that I’m probably not typical, but yes. That’s pretty much how I’d handle it. Secrecy makes the whole situation the OP’s problem, while the pair who cheated have no consequences.

But by telling people and then carrying on as normal, the problem is handed back to the people who made the decision to cheat. Let them run the gauntlet of stares and whispers in public.*

That's not correct though. Whether people believe her or not the OP will still be whispered about and the target of pity or resentment. Plus there's nothing to say these other wives don't know and don't want their dirty linen washing in public either.

nigelschristmasham · 07/12/2017 18:29

This woman was your friend? Then she did betray you every bit as much as your husband did. They are both to blame.
You've had it out with your husband, and decided to try and make it work. You've never had the chance to have it out with her, and you now see her doing the same to other people.
I'm really not sure why you shouldn't say something tbh...I wish someone had told me... if you can do it discreetly and calmly, then I think you should.

Animation86 · 07/12/2017 18:29

Why is everyone acting like her DH hasn’t already paid some price for what he’s done?

Too right I would grass this woman up, the homewrecker is having too much fun here

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