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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to stop her ruining other people's lives?

188 replies

CoveGirl · 07/12/2017 16:27

I live in a close knit fishing village with my husband in the south west and have done for many years.

A while ago I discovered my DH was having an affair with a local woman who I regularly socialised with (she had 2 children at the time and was married). I was understandably devastated, but worked through things with DH and tried to move beyond it - remains bloody difficult seeing OW regularly and trying to be civil.

Fast forward and she has split with her former DH, remarried & had another LO. Her former DH has been painted as the person at fault, and laments that perhaps he didn't give her enough time as he worked away (he knows nothing of her indiscretions to my knowledge).

To all intents and purposes she and her new husband are the picture of happiness.

I recently discovered she's had multiple affairs (at least 4) - all with the husbands of local women, many of whom are supposedly her friends and some of whom are facing their own struggles.

Here is my dilemma - do I say anything and out her for the person she really is? I hate seeing these women humiliated like I was and being the last to know they are being betrayed. BUT I also need to question my motives - I confess it pains me to see her happy when she caused me so much pain and I don't want to be the cause of needless suffering. AIBU in telling these women what this woman is doing?

OP posts:
SylviaTietjens · 07/12/2017 18:30

Ooh, I do hope we live in the same place op. Any clues as to how I should spot this harridan?

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 18:30

Mintychoc what's the MN double standard for focusing on the fact she was shagging a married man whilst ignoring the fact that he was shagging a married woman?

Honeycake50 · 07/12/2017 18:31

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 07/12/2017 18:32

Mintychoc And what's the double standard for forgiving the man but not forgiving the woman, and wanting to warn all the village wives about the woman's affairs but not warning the husband about the man's?

Orangesandlemons1 · 07/12/2017 18:34

Correct jonsnows wife he will be one of the many other men. I don’t see how the op could feel any worse about her husband having an affair. So what if other people know. She has made her decision to forgive him. End of.
The ops husband needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour and other people knowing what he has done will be further ownership of the bad decisions he made and what he has done to his marriage. Like the ow will have to take responsibility for all of her decisions and behaviour.
Ops husband has been forgiven they worked through things. Don’t all the other women deserve to make this choice?

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 18:34

I would only listen to point of views on here from people who have been in this situation.

Well that counts me out then...

ButchyRestingFace · 07/12/2017 18:34

Too right I would grass this woman up, the homewrecker is having too much fun here

The only actual "home wrecker" in this scenario is the OP's husband.

He shagged a married woman, the friend of his wife, no less.

His own marriage has survived, whereas the marriage of the woman he was cheating with hasn't.

yorkshapudding · 07/12/2017 18:35

If someone is exhibiting such extreme sexually risky behaviour BPD is a distinct possibility.

That's a massive oversimplification.
People engage in risky sexual behaviours for all manner of reasons, most of which are nothing to do with mental illness. Not that we actually know this woman engages in "risky" sex. For all we know she has had one affair, which may not have been at all impulsive, and the others are just village gossip. But even if the rumours are all true, promiscuity alone is not evidence, or even reason to suspect, BPD.

I really don't want to derail the thread as this isn't relevent to OP's AIBU. I just wish BPD wasn't trotted out every time someone starts a thread about someone whose behaviour is questionable in any way.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 18:35

*Why is everyone acting like her DH hasn’t already paid some price for what he’s done?

Too right I would grass this woman up, the homewrecker is having too much fun here*

Homewrecker is also almost exclusively a term used about women. Also terms like "slut" etc. And what was the price the DH paid? He's back with his wife, isn't he?

I'm not saying she shouldn't discreetly speak to these women but attempting to expose someone in an attempt to seek revenge when it could massively backfire is a very bad idea, especially when it would be in OP's best interests for her to look after her self and not continue to engage in what this woman is doing. It's for the sake of OP that I say that. Vengeance is poisonous and it usually poisons the person trying to dish it out.

Anyone who has been cheated on has my utmost sympathy and I cannot imagine how hard it sounds. Sadly when you see posts saying "expose this slut" or words to that effect, it doesn't reflect at all well on the person saying it. Why attempt to lead OP into a situation that could make her life worse? It's frankly irresponsible.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 18:36

Why is everyone acting like her DH hasn’t already paid some price for what he’s done? Too right I would grass this woman up, the homewrecker is having too much fun here

Homewrecker is also almost exclusively a term used about women. Also terms like "slut" etc. And what was the price the DH paid? He's back with his wife, isn't he?

I'm not saying she shouldn't discreetly speak to these women but attempting to expose someone in an attempt to seek revenge when it could massively backfire is a very bad idea, especially when it would be in OP's best interests for her to look after her self and not continue to engage in what this woman is doing. It's for the sake of OP that I say that. Vengeance is poisonous and it usually poisons the person trying to dish it out.

Anyone who has been cheated on has my utmost sympathy and I cannot imagine how hard it sounds. Sadly when you see posts saying "expose this slut" or words to that effect, it doesn't reflect at all well on the person saying it. Why attempt to lead OP into a situation that could make her life worse? It's frankly irresponsible.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 18:37

How hard is IS* not sounds

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 18:40

I just think the OP hasn't thought things through. Like I said several pages back, I completely understand why she wants to, but it won't have the desired effect, it will mean the close knit village will judge him, judge her for staying with him, and it'll all be raked up again just as they've worked through it. My guess is she'll feel bad for embarrassing DH by alerting the other DWs, because it will out him, and he'll blame the OP and then they'll be back at square one.

I told Ex that if I ever discovered he was with someone else that he should never expect me to fight for him. He'd already lost me the minute he chose to, and I meant it. Fast forward later and he's been with his new partner for over five years and has remained faithful to her, so if I was the OP I'd be cautious of telling others just on the say so of a bloke who's feeling a bit wronged.

Orangesandlemons1 · 07/12/2017 18:42

Revenge is a dish best served cold.
You have your marriage back on track.
You have enough evidence. Now is your time.
Don’t let her get away with this. She is behaving like a slut and a home wrecker. She made a fool of you and she’s doing it to other women. Do it for the sisterhood. Women shouldn’t trample on eachother by trying it on with their friends husbands. Even if the husband is happy to go along with it. It’s just not nice.
The other husbands in the situation have behaved terribly aswell, like cheating arseholes. As was your husband behaving terribly. But you forgave him. Fair enough your choice to make.
But they have all behaved badly other Than the spouses who were oblivious. Expose them all. Then move on.

RedForFilth · 07/12/2017 18:43

I'd tell everyone everything but then I am a massive bitch so probably don't take my advice Grin

frumpety · 07/12/2017 18:53

Honestly ? no good will come of it . Leave it where it is , or you say it is , in the past .

streetlife70s · 07/12/2017 18:53

Ah mintychoc I get what you are saying and I’d be ‘one of those’ double standards.

The reason being that telling the OP she should focus on the husbands infidelity (which is worse) and telling the wife she should hold him accountable and not call the woman ‘slut’ ‘home wrecker’ etc is (in some people’s view) the best and most dignified way of dealing with the situation. It is he who made the vows and he who has betrayed her.

That doesn’t mean anyone thinks the woman is great or that if she came on here she wouldn’t be slated. But the advice you’d give to the WIFE to deal with the situation is different because she is in a very specific situation and needs to handle it in a way specific to her circumstances (if that makes any sense at all, sorry I’m not great at explaining today)

Eltonjohnssyrup · 07/12/2017 18:56

That's a massive oversimplification.
People engage in risky sexual behaviours for all manner of reasons, most of which are nothing to do with mental illness. Not that we actually know this woman engages in "risky" sex. For all we know she has had one affair, which may not have been at all impulsive, and the others are just village gossip. But even if the rumours are all true, promiscuity alone is not evidence, or even reason to suspect, BPD.

I was working from the assumption that what the OP is saying is true. It's not an over simplification, it's true. Around one in 75 people has BPD and they are mostly women so the prevalence is higher in women. Given that a negligible amount of people sleep with multiple men while married it's highly likely someone who does has BPD. BPD is also associated with childhood abuse and particularly sexual abuse. I didn't say all people with BPD have sex with married men, but this sort of behaviour would raise huge red flags.

Anyway, whether she has BPD or not, my original point was that it was very unlikely she was as happy as the OP thought. It's not the behaviour of a happy, secure or stable person.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 18:56

Revenge is a dish best served cold.
You have your marriage back on track.
You have enough evidence. Now is your time.
Don’t let her get away with this. She is behaving like a slut and a home wrecker.

None of that is healthy. Since when was "revenge is a dish best served cold" good advice? Interesting how you say the marriage is back on track thus the husband is fine and dandy. You say people shouldn't trample on other women which I agree with. Hence I don't use terms like slut especially not when the man gets away with it scot free.

I hope OP is able to focus on herself and her own happiness and not associate any longer with people who have hurt her. And I hope she doesn't become one of these people who says slightly unhinged things on the internet - like the stuff you wrote in your post.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 18:57

Bold text doesn't appear to be working...

frumpety · 07/12/2017 18:59

If you are in the mood for revenge though , I would personally choose to tell the men , dint a few ego's along the way .

Justoneme · 07/12/2017 19:03

What are you to gain from this .....? Sounds like you are bitter?

Stilllookingforwaldo · 07/12/2017 19:08

jonsnow why are you so angry? OP has stated several times she knows her DH isn’t faultless yet you are like a starved dog with a frigging bone.Give it a rest love.

Stilllookingforwaldo · 07/12/2017 19:11

FWIW I wouldn’t keep his, or hers, or any of their secrets. The joys of living in a small village-she (and the men-before I’m pounced upon and ripped to shreds🙄 ) were naive to think secrets like stay secret in places like that.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/12/2017 19:12

jonsnow doesn't sound angry? A couple of other people on this thread do though...

paxillin · 07/12/2017 19:16

It won't sell much.