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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something to stop her ruining other people's lives?

188 replies

CoveGirl · 07/12/2017 16:27

I live in a close knit fishing village with my husband in the south west and have done for many years.

A while ago I discovered my DH was having an affair with a local woman who I regularly socialised with (she had 2 children at the time and was married). I was understandably devastated, but worked through things with DH and tried to move beyond it - remains bloody difficult seeing OW regularly and trying to be civil.

Fast forward and she has split with her former DH, remarried & had another LO. Her former DH has been painted as the person at fault, and laments that perhaps he didn't give her enough time as he worked away (he knows nothing of her indiscretions to my knowledge).

To all intents and purposes she and her new husband are the picture of happiness.

I recently discovered she's had multiple affairs (at least 4) - all with the husbands of local women, many of whom are supposedly her friends and some of whom are facing their own struggles.

Here is my dilemma - do I say anything and out her for the person she really is? I hate seeing these women humiliated like I was and being the last to know they are being betrayed. BUT I also need to question my motives - I confess it pains me to see her happy when she caused me so much pain and I don't want to be the cause of needless suffering. AIBU in telling these women what this woman is doing?

OP posts:

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 16:52

Yes, it galls me that her life carried on without a blip - whilst mine was ruined for a time, I'm only human.

Here too flowerpot. OP your life was ruined temporarily because your DH chose to partake in an affair. No one forced him to have no regard for his wife when getting into bed with another mans DW.

YNK · 07/12/2017 16:52

I think keeping secrets is a burden you are not required to carry.

I'm with the person who would cheerfully shout "morning adulterer"

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 07/12/2017 16:53

Are you on speaking terms with her ex husband? If you are, then the next time you see him I would speak to him and say 'I was so sorry to hear about your divorce, I know how painful it must've been, I can't believe my DH had an affair with your wife when they were both still married to us. We've decided to try and work past it but I can understand why you couldn't",

Sod keeping her dirty secrets. Why should she get away with sleeping with multiple married men and causing their wives heartache just because she wasn't happy in her marriage. And no, the men weren't forced and yes they are just as much to blame as her.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 16:56

I never got theboppurtunity to tell her how she made me feel

See you're focusing on her again so i can imagine the stories excuses your DH has told you.

Your DH made you feel like that. I have never once had it out with the OW. It was my Exs responsibility to stay faithful to me, no one elses. A faithful spouse should be able to have it offered to him on a plate and still be able to say "No".

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 16:58

Well as long as the OP goes and informs all the wives what dirty dogs their DHs were too. Only fair.

Quietwhenreading · 07/12/2017 16:59

A small close knit village and she’s had affairs with five married men, and no one knows?

Either not all the rumours are true or everyone already knows and they aren’t telling you because of your husband’s infidelity.

If it’s true it will all come out eventually. You don’t need to shred your dignity.

Korez · 07/12/2017 17:00

These men could have passed all manner of STD's onto their wives who are oblivious to the risk they are taking sleeping with their own husbands... That's what angers me most...

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/12/2017 17:02

The best revenge is success. You are still being the victim by letting it consume your thoughts like this.

Leave her be and work on your marriage.

user1493413286 · 07/12/2017 17:02

This doesn’t excuse her actions at all but maybe to help you in how you feel about her - to have so many affairs I very much doubt that she is happy in herself, I suspect she’s probably quite unhappy and is searching for something to make her feel better about herself. Might be wrong but that’s my gut feeling

IHaveBrilloHair · 07/12/2017 17:02

Your problem is that you're married to a cheat and always will be.
You can't get over it, (I couldn't either), and you're now wanting to punish the woman.
You could have her dragged through the streets with aldulterer written on her head, the whole town could see, and know.
You're still married to a cheat.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:02

Well perhaps their husbands could stop shagging around and having no respect for their wives then?

ButchyRestingFace · 07/12/2017 17:02

I was understandably devastated, but worked through things with DH and tried to move beyond it - remains bloody difficult seeing OW regularly and trying to be civil.

You manage to remain civil with your cheating husband presumably so she should be a schoosh.

I confess it pains me to see her happy when she caused me so much pain

Surely it was your husband who caused you all this pain?

I'd keep my nose out of it.

You don't know she has had 4 affairs; you don't know that the wives of her supposed are unaware of what their husbands (may) are up to.

You run the risk of being disbelieved, and looking like a vengeful harpy who'll say anything to get back at this woman.

Just leave her to it.

Original poster

CoveGirl · 07/12/2017 17:05

Sorry JonSnowsWife - but you neglect the fact that I mention that I repeatedly brought this up with my DH and threw him out. I'm not some woman hating, down trodden wife that you seem to think I am.

But I do blame her as well (not to the extent that I blame my DH for the betrayal against me) but she knew me, socialised with me, she knew we were married.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 07/12/2017 17:07

I get what you are saying in the thread, OP - but your title clearly says that SHE is ruining people's lives. She's not. Her own husband's life, maybe, but not anyone else's. It's the other errant husbands who are ruining their own family lives, not her.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:10

Sorry JonSnowsWife - but you neglect the fact that I mention that I repeatedly brought this up with my DH and threw him out. I'm not some woman hating, down trodden wife that you seem to think I am.

No I didn't neglect to mention it, I'm just not going to rush in encouraging you to call her an adulterer when your husband is just as much as one.

You accepted his excuses, took him back in and are still blaming and focusing on how she hurt you. She didn't do this on her own. He hurt you the minute he decided to pursue the affair. Focus on that. Not just the local harpy who you've no proof is having these affairs, unless of course you're going to be fair across the board and tell the DHs wife's too. But you wont do that because you don't want to hurt them you want to hurt her. As I said in one of my posts which you neglect to mention, which I said is understandable but you will come across as that 'batshit' one if you do.

TrinitySquirrel · 07/12/2017 17:10

"I doubt she ever thinks about you or even cares that she played a part in the hurt you feel" 100% accurate.

She probably doesn't even remember your husbands name anymore, let alone yours.

I suggest you move on OP. But I would probably send a group text to those women advising them to check their partner's phones and emails when they're asleep in bed.

But I'm a bit of a twat.

Chchchchangeabout · 07/12/2017 17:11

I personally don't get all this holier than thou stuff. I would do whatever I felt like re: telling people. Fine yes the husband is first and foremost to blame. But how RUDE and shitty is it to screw someone's husband while smiling sweetly at them and pretending nothing is happening. Do what you feel will make you feel better and move on, OP.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 07/12/2017 17:12

It would backfire on you hugely IMO. I would bet my right arm if you told people all parties would deny it and you would be painted as a mad woman trying to get revenge.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:12

she knew we were married.

So did your DH, or did he conveniently forget?

Viviennemary · 07/12/2017 17:12

Yes I would say something. Why should these cheats get away with it. If her name crops up as the local model of an ideal wife just say well she has had an affair with x y and z.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:13

she knew we were married.

See. This is the problem right there. Your DH knew she was married but still pursued the affair. Your DH is no better than her..

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:14

But how RUDE and shitty is it to screw someone's husband while smiling sweetly at them and pretending nothing is happening.

Trinity the DH was screwing someone else's wife. What's your point?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 07/12/2017 17:15

And she's not happy, whatever you think. Her behaviour isn't that of a happy person and could suggest deeper issues like BPD.

TrinitySquirrel · 07/12/2017 17:15

"I never got the opportunity to tell her how she made me feel, how she destroyed my confidence & undermined everything I had worked for, made me feel uncomfortable in my own home town."

She didn't. Your Husband did. Whoever the other woman is, is generally irrelevant unless it was malicious.

Sounds to me like she just wanted a shag and you husband was happy to oblige at the risk of his own family.

And yes it is that simple. If you still have resentment and those feelings then they are about him and still being angry at him.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:15

Sorry Trinity" that post wasn't meant for you it was meant for Chchchchangeabout

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