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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to stop her ruining other people's lives?

188 replies

CoveGirl · 07/12/2017 16:27

I live in a close knit fishing village with my husband in the south west and have done for many years.

A while ago I discovered my DH was having an affair with a local woman who I regularly socialised with (she had 2 children at the time and was married). I was understandably devastated, but worked through things with DH and tried to move beyond it - remains bloody difficult seeing OW regularly and trying to be civil.

Fast forward and she has split with her former DH, remarried & had another LO. Her former DH has been painted as the person at fault, and laments that perhaps he didn't give her enough time as he worked away (he knows nothing of her indiscretions to my knowledge).

To all intents and purposes she and her new husband are the picture of happiness.

I recently discovered she's had multiple affairs (at least 4) - all with the husbands of local women, many of whom are supposedly her friends and some of whom are facing their own struggles.

Here is my dilemma - do I say anything and out her for the person she really is? I hate seeing these women humiliated like I was and being the last to know they are being betrayed. BUT I also need to question my motives - I confess it pains me to see her happy when she caused me so much pain and I don't want to be the cause of needless suffering. AIBU in telling these women what this woman is doing?

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 07/12/2017 17:46

so why wouldn't OP have every right to be pissed off with her and share her views where she wants?

So would OP be ok with it if OW's ex husband wants to share his that OP's husband is an adulterating wee hoor and spread that about the village?

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:47

I know yorkshapudding that stupid BPD suggestion got a raised eyebrow from me too.

PollyPerky · 07/12/2017 17:47

Also are you saying she has had multiple affairs in between shagging your DH and remarrying her 2nd H or are you saying she is still shagging other men despite being married again? Not that it matters but your post isn't clear.

crazycatlady5 · 07/12/2017 17:47

You are a busy body with too much time to worry about all of this.

What an unpleasant thing to say.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:49

are you the other woman? I can't understand why you're defending her! The OW isn't blameless.

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis. Oh someone else who hasn't RTFT. No I WAS THE OP ONCE.

I'm not defending her, just pointing out to people slagging her off for knowing the DH was married that the DH also knew the OW was MARRIED.

WhoWants2Know · 07/12/2017 17:50

To clarify- yes, I’d greet the husband with “Morning, adulterer,” as well. It’s perfectly factual. Just because OP is staying with him doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 07/12/2017 17:51

I'd keep out of it

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 07/12/2017 17:51

Yes of course you should tell the wives.

You said you would have wanted to know - well so would I.

I would tell the ex H too.

It's not fair on them to be kept in the dark IMO.

roundaboutthetown · 07/12/2017 17:51

What we know about this woman is that she has behaved just as appallingly as the men she's had sex with. I think the village is maybe a bit too close knit and would be surprised if the men at least are not already fully aware of where to go if they fancy a bit of extra-marital sex with a willing participant with an equally absent conscience. I wouldn't say anything about it on the back of comments made by someone who says he saw some messages, though - it's hardly the sort of cast iron evidence you would need to upset an entire village and drive everyone apart!

MirriVan · 07/12/2017 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:54

To clarify- yes, I’d greet the husband with “Morning, adulterer,” as well

Well at least you'd be fair about it! Grin

Morphene · 07/12/2017 17:54

I don't see that she humiliated you op, I think your husband did that....if you've forgiven him, then I don't see how you can have major beef with her?

HamishBamish · 07/12/2017 17:54

Of course the husbands are at fault, but that doesn’t absolve her. I would just let her get on with it. She’ll hang herself eventually. The chances are people know what she’s like already. Don’t become involved. She’s affected too much of your life already.

Sholiz74 · 07/12/2017 17:55

Perhaps JonSnowsWife you could be a little more sympathetic having been in the op's situation. Its perfectly reasonable to be angry at both affair partners but some how the ow is always less to blame and I for one dont understand how any woman can minimise the ow's part in an affair and its devastation.

EndofSummer · 07/12/2017 17:55

YANBU
You can’t cheat with a married man and expect the wife to not bitch about you. Go ahead, tell who you like.

However, don’t let it just be a continuation of obsessively putting all your anger on her. Do you think you’ve not perhaps got angry enough with your DH? And also, telling other wives, they may judge you for staying with your husband, they might not judge the OW.

Bombardier25966 · 07/12/2017 17:55

Whatever you do to her, you do the same to your husband.

Call her an adulterer in public? Do the same to him.

Warn women about her? Tell them all above your husband's enjoyment of extra marital affairs too.

Maybe put the ex husband in touch with your husband too ...

How does that feel for you, comfortable?

CeciliaBartolli · 07/12/2017 17:55

leave it alone and move on. You need to ask yourself what any of this has to do with you unless you just want to show her up as the big tart you think she is. Even if she is a big tar, it's a free country and she is certainly free with her c*. But it isn't illegal.

Monr0e · 07/12/2017 17:56

The time for disclosing the information should have been when you discovered the affair. But you chose not to in order to protect your husband. How do you think her ex DH will react knowing you have kept this secret from him for all this time and only want it out in the open now as a form of revenge?

Personally I would absolutely want to know if my partner had or was cheating on me. Just be aware people may not thank you for keeping this a secret for so long

JonSnowsWife · 07/12/2017 17:56

OP has dealt with her DH and has EVERY right to hate the OW!

And the OWs DH has EVERY right to hate the DH who just happens to be the OM too.

Chchchchangeabout · 07/12/2017 17:59

Well Butchy he is. It's not the OP's fault or gift to change it, is it? The OP can be ok with it or not, it doesn't change her husband's behaviour, and it's his actions that have led to the fallout

roundaboutthetown · 07/12/2017 17:59

What absolute fucking bollocks that only the dh is capable of humiliating his wife - it takes two people (at least) to have an adulterous affair. If the OW just fancied a shag - so did the dh... thinking you owe nothing to anyone other than your own spouse makes you a sociopath, imvho.

BanyanChristmasTree · 07/12/2017 17:59

This would make a great TV series.

Mumof56 · 07/12/2017 18:00

Your husband is no longer sleeping with her. That's were her sex life stops being your concern.

Amazing how you have moved on with your husband, but are out to get the woman. It wasn't her that made vows to you.

Chchchchangeabout · 07/12/2017 18:00

I have RTFT JonSnowetc. My point is the point I made up thread. Your repeated broken record response is irrelevant and completely misses the point.

sheldonesque · 07/12/2017 18:00

Chchchchangeabout

But how RUDE and shitty is it to screw someone's husband while smiling sweetly at them and pretending nothing is happening.

Dh is a twunt - of that there is no doubt. I couldn't agree more with you about the other twunt involved.