To say something to stop her ruining other people's lives?

[CoveGirl]

I live in a close knit fishing village with my husband in the south west and have done for many years.

A while ago I discovered my DH was having an affair with a local woman who I regularly socialised with (she had 2 children at the time and was married). I was understandably devastated, but worked through things with DH and tried to move beyond it - remains bloody difficult seeing OW regularly and trying to be civil.

Fast forward and she has split with her former DH, remarried & had another LO. Her former DH has been painted as the person at fault, and laments that perhaps he didn't give her enough time as he worked away (he knows nothing of her indiscretions to my knowledge).

To all intents and purposes she and her new husband are the picture of happiness.

I recently discovered she's had multiple affairs (at least 4) - all with the husbands of local women, many of whom are supposedly her friends and some of whom are facing their own struggles.

Here is my dilemma - do I say anything and out her for the person she really is? I hate seeing these women humiliated like I was and being the last to know they are being betrayed. BUT I also need to question my motives - I confess it pains me to see her happy when she caused me so much pain and I don't want to be the cause of needless suffering. AIBU in telling these women what this woman is doing?

Could I just ask how you would feel if her ex husband found out about the affair your husband had with his ex wife and how would you feel if he told everyone in your local area about it and started speaking badly of him?

I am a wronged wife, I very much sympathise with what you are feeling.

But - you'd need to be VERY clear in your own mind about your motives if you were to say something to anybody: are you looking for revenge? Go for it but anticipate the fallout, you know, the shooting the messenger thing. Are you genuinely acting out of kindness to the other wronged wive? Tell them, but be kind about it and remember that they will feel the way you felt when you found out.
Think about what your standing in the community would be like.

Frankly, I'd make it common knowledge and then move

You were FAR more wronged by your H than by her. HE had an obligation to YOU, she did not.

Yes, as long as you also tell everybody in the village that your "D"H is cheating scum as well.

I don’t believe in tit for tat but I do feel sorry for all these other women, who are in the same position you were some years ago. I feel they deserve to know really. What she is up to AND their awful husbands.

Not sure what your point is @JonSnowsWife I'm generally agreeing on the same points as you are. I just said it was 100% likely the woman didn't give a shit. Because she wont have as how OP was affected by it all is nothing to do with her.

I'm just not going to rush in encouraging you to call her an adulterer when your husband is just as much as one.

Well, she's a serial adulterer whereas he appears to have only had one affair. [shrug]

I don't suggest I would warn the husbands - but their wives.

Warn them that your husband likes extra-marital affairs?

Ahh @JonSnowsWife makes more sense now

There children involved. You have no idea of the repercussions on them if you start telling tales. Or on her. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors or why people do the things they do. Mind your own business and concentrate on your own life.

The OP doesn't say her DH is any better??? Wow - talk about the OP getting punished for being cheated on & feeling hurt. She's said she would plan on telling their wives, so equal blame would fall with their DH's. The evidence sounds pretty overwhelming. OP has asked if she's BU & is questioning her motives (not sure i could be so considerate in the circumstances). She doesn't deserve to be flamed.

For what it's worth I think this woman was complicit in the betrayal - she knew you were married? She did wrong. That is not to the exception of your DH also doing wrong. Both are to blame, DH more so for the hurt caused to you - but it doesn't sound as though your DH has carried on hurting multiple people for what we know.

I dont think the hurt from an affair ever goes away, so I feel for you OP.

Well, she's a serial adulterer whereas he appears to have only had one affair.

Seriously? She's worse than him because he only had the one affair? Even though theres no basis for the other affairs?

Christ on a bike I've heard it all now.

she knew you were married? She did wrong. That is not to the exception of your DH also doing wrong

Her DH knew the OW was married to. Didnt stop him.

She doesn't deserve to be flamed.

She's not being flamed.

The OP doesn't say her DH is any better??? Wow - talk about the OP getting punished for being cheated on & feeling hurt.

Couldn’t agree more!!

Her behaviour isn't that of a happy person and could suggest deeper issues like BPD

No wonder mental health conditions are so stigmatised
All we know about this woman is that she has had one extra-marital affair and is rumoured to have had others. Nothing whatsoever to suggest BPD or any other mental illness for that matter.

she knew we were married.

Did your husband know she was married?

She hasn't posted about her husband though has she? She's already dealt with him and is rightfully pissed at him. This woman fucked OP's husband so why wouldn't OP have every right to be pissed off with her and share her views where she wants? Her husband doing wrong makes no difference to that, and it's not as though OP is painting him as an angel, is it? 'You shouldn't be annoyed with her because you should be annoyed with your husband' has a flawed premise. OP can feel annoyed with both of them. Just because my friend's husband wanted to sleep with me (so is obviously a slimeball) doesn't make it ok for me to go ahead and do so, does it?

I just think that if you tell these other women that your husband had an affair with the same woman you suspect their husbands are you have to be ready for a whole spectrum of responses. Some will be angry, some will be in denial, some will leave them but whatever happens at least one will tell people that your husband had an affair- are you ready for that to be public knowledge? Just don’t let it backfire on you if you and your DH have moved on and are genuinely happy.

Jonsnowswife are you the OW?

Her husband fucked someone else's wife too chchchchangeabout.

What's your point?

Jonsnowswife are you the OW?

No. Do bother to RTFT chchchchangeabout and you'll see that I also have been the OP.

Never mind her, people will usually hang themselves if given enough rope. Your husband's a cheating slag, that's your problem.

Did your husband know she was married?

well given they were friends butchyrestingface presumably yes.

what exactly do you have in mind OP? Tar and feather her? Put her in the stocks? Put a sign on her front door?

IME of living in a village, most people know what's going on anyway.

I just can't see how you would do this. I mean, what do you mean you could do to 'out' her? Stand up and announce it at the carol concert or something?

Mind your own business. Your marriage survived, so let others get on with their lives.

You are a busy body with too much time to worry about all of this.

JonSNow are you the other woman? I can't understand why you're defending her! The OW isn't blameless. Yes, OP's DH was married and betrayed his wife by having an affair but OW was also married and betrayed her DH! AND she was friendly with OP! so she didn't just have an affair with some random bloke at work, she had an affair with the DH of a woman she would see and speak to! OW is not innocent or blameless!

OP has dealt with her DH and has EVERY right to hate the OW! OP you sound very calm about her to me.