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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF friend or AIBU?

990 replies

SilverBirchTree · 07/12/2017 00:31

We recently cleared out a family attic and found an antique object that is associated with a profession (think fireman's helmet/doctor's bag/judge's gavel etc). We looked it up online and saw they sell on eBay for between £150-350.

A friend of mine's FIL is retired from this profession and his hobby is researching its history. He has even self published books about it. He is a lovely man who I see about twice a year. He lost his wife a few months ago so he has been in my recent thoughts.

It is such a marvellous object (beautiful with history and craftsmanship) we decided we'd rather see it go to someone who would appreciate it, rather than sell it.

I asked my friend if her FIL would enjoy it. She responded that he would love it. When I dropped it off at her house, she and her husband said something about wrapping it up and making it their Christmas gift to their FIL. I was Hmm because it wasn't really from them, but whatever.

Today I saw on Facebook that she has put the object for sale online. Shock I messaged her a screen shot of the ad with the message '???' She wrote back 'hey, u gave it to us! I'm going to use the money to buy everyone a Chrissy present, not just [FIL]. We showed it to him and he enjoyed looking at it and taking snaps. Time for someone else to enjoy! :)'

I am so annoyed! She's correct that I gave it away- but I didn't give it to her to sell!! I feel like demanding that she either return the object to me or at least give me the money from the sale.

She's a good friend otherwise, but the kind of person who is always hunting for a bargain or a freebie. It was fun at uni but getting a bit tiresome today!!!

AIBU or is my friend a PITA?!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/12/2017 22:05

'I've just noticed that the listing has been removed from eBay!'

Result! Now here's hoping you get the item back. The thing about these CFs is, on some level, they know they're pisstaking, but fine doing it as long as no one stands up to them. Once you do that, the worst ones will push back and then you have to stand up to them again and sometimes again but eventually they realise you're not going to let it go. They huff and puff, cry foul, but you just ignore and carry on sounding like a broken record, 'It wasn't given to you as a gift, I never gave you permission to sell it, therefore I want it returned to me.' No need at all for drama, just nope, not having it. Thankfully, they usually leave you alone after that and find someone else to mug off.

And people like this are never just 'opportunists' or 'always on the hunt for a freebie'. They are miserable tightwads with low moral threshold who have such a great sense of entitlement, they think even thieving is permissible.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/12/2017 22:12

I've just noticed that the listing has been removed from eBay!

It's potentially promising, yes, but I wouldn't get too excited too fast ... there's at least a chance she could have agreed a price with someone who's messaged her through the site, then removed the listing pending collection

Hope I'm wrong, though

MillennialFalcon · 08/12/2017 22:13

It's interesting that she is accusing you of poisoning her husband against her, which implies that he is also upset with her behaviour. I thought he might take her side since he has been happy to play along with her conning restaurants in the past but I guess he drew a line when he realised she stole something meant for his recently widowed father! At least this shows that other people aren't taken in by her lies. Try not to take what she said to heart, she's only lashing out because she has been caught out. I hope you can get the item back and then block her.

perfectstorm · 08/12/2017 22:15

Sounds like her husband got her to wind her neck in, from that email.

Quite extraordinary. You offer a really valuable item to a member of their family because you know the sentimental value to him would make it special. That's a direct cost to your own family, as you aren't selling it, because you want to be kind. And she turns around and decides to steal it so she can benefit on flashing cash you very generously decided to forgo, to make someone happy? And she's angry with YOU for not just allowing her to?!

She sounds bloody awful. In a way it's good this has happened - better it happened over an object than something more sort of personal or involved (workplace, god forbid).

I also think you've been really sensible in how you've handled this. Low drama and direct is almost always best.

Jux · 08/12/2017 22:18

I think donating it to a museum is a great idea.

Hope you get it back today and DH of CF comes up trumps.

simiisme · 08/12/2017 22:20

People are pointing out whether it's legal or not - hardly the point. It's more than CFery, it's mean-spirited and grabby.
I bet that the FIL was never even told that it was a very thoughtful gift for him.
She's a bitch and I would have nothing more to do with her.

Twopeapods · 08/12/2017 22:22
Shock So the money from this object is worth more to her than your friendship. In all honestly I would send her the link to this thread.
AhNowTed · 08/12/2017 22:28

just woken up to find an abusive email from CF in my inbox. She's accusing me of poisoning her husband against her and being low class for 'taking back a gift.'

OP STAND FIRM, you are NOT in the wrong here.

Gift was NEVER meant for her, END OF.

She is a greedy manipulating nasty piece of work. DO NOT give way, please I BEG you!!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 08/12/2017 22:29

SilverBirchTree I think you've pitched it right on every level. And you're right in that you don't owe an "ending" to us. It's easy for us sitting at our keyboards to feel invested in this and to want the 'right' outcome, but this is your life and you have to live it, so you need to make it right for you.

But as one of those baying for CF's blood, I do hope you get your antique ram castrator object back eventually to do with as you will, and I hope you come and tell us how it eventually pans out (you'll prob need to start a new thread!)

And I'm another one who loves the museum idea. (causerie I think if you DID manage to eventually give it to FIL, she'd get it back off him and sell it anyway because to CF this is - potentially - the 'one that got away')

NameWithChange · 08/12/2017 22:29

Over invested in an object (I don't know what it is) being held onto by (an unknown) CF on the other side of the world 😆

I hope I can sleep tonight.

AhNowTed · 08/12/2017 22:31

Only 40 posts left.. we need a new thread OP.. please!!

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 08/12/2017 22:34

OMG some people are awful. Passing it off as their gift should have been nipped in the bud and the gift given direct from you. They clearly have more front than Selfridges.

Doesntlooklikeanythingtome · 08/12/2017 22:37

Wow what a crap friend

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 08/12/2017 22:37

In fact I know someone like this in RL it’s all they think about, making a quick buck at the expense of someone else. I have nothing to with them. It’s distasteful and nasty.

TheHobbitMum · 08/12/2017 22:38

Wow, you have one CF friend there! Unbelievable that she doesn't get what the issue is Shock

perfectstorm · 08/12/2017 22:43

It's not legal. The law recognises ownership can be separate from possession. That's the whole basis of trust law. It was a gift for another - she was the temporary custodian agreeing to pass it to the intended recipient.

It was never gifted to her at all. Therefore she has no claim on it.

perfectstorm · 08/12/2017 22:45

Obviously I agree on the moral aspects, too. But the legal are plain, given she always intended it to be a gift from her, personally, anyway.

The most cheeky part to me was saying that she couldn't give it to FIL and it was too valuable a gift. But not too valuable as a gift for her, it seems.

perfectstorm · 08/12/2017 22:46

Sorry, pronoun soup - first para 'her' was OP; 2nd the CF.

BarryTheKestrel · 08/12/2017 22:48

I've just RTFT and honestly there are no words for the cheeky fuckery going on here.

She is no friend of yours OP. Cheeky or not, you don't do that shit to your friends.

justilou1 · 08/12/2017 22:56

Dying to find out if you have it back yet? She needs to be told that you didn't give it to HER. Good grief!!!

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 08/12/2017 23:06

Hi all,

I've started a new thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3108140-CF-Friend-the-antique-ram-castrator-Part-2?watched=1

I hope that works, I haven't done it before. I promise to let you know the outcome.

Thanks to everyone who read along and commented. Your comments and (hopefully enjoyment) was the silver lining to this awkward tiff and gave me something to do during the stupid-o'clock feeds! Smilew

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 08/12/2017 23:08

@SilverBirchTree you might need to do a second thread!

What a twat telling you you e come between her and her DH. At least you have all her dick behaviour in writing between the texts and the emails. I’d be banking that.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/12/2017 23:08

X post! 😁

HidingBehindTheWallpaper · 08/12/2017 23:08

I have only just found this thread. What the fuck.
This is like me giving a friend a tenner to pass on to their parent. Said friend cannot go off and spend that tenner.

User556 · 08/12/2017 23:13

CF definitely

I would be pissed off too