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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF friend or AIBU?

990 replies

SilverBirchTree · 07/12/2017 00:31

We recently cleared out a family attic and found an antique object that is associated with a profession (think fireman's helmet/doctor's bag/judge's gavel etc). We looked it up online and saw they sell on eBay for between £150-350.

A friend of mine's FIL is retired from this profession and his hobby is researching its history. He has even self published books about it. He is a lovely man who I see about twice a year. He lost his wife a few months ago so he has been in my recent thoughts.

It is such a marvellous object (beautiful with history and craftsmanship) we decided we'd rather see it go to someone who would appreciate it, rather than sell it.

I asked my friend if her FIL would enjoy it. She responded that he would love it. When I dropped it off at her house, she and her husband said something about wrapping it up and making it their Christmas gift to their FIL. I was Hmm because it wasn't really from them, but whatever.

Today I saw on Facebook that she has put the object for sale online. Shock I messaged her a screen shot of the ad with the message '???' She wrote back 'hey, u gave it to us! I'm going to use the money to buy everyone a Chrissy present, not just [FIL]. We showed it to him and he enjoyed looking at it and taking snaps. Time for someone else to enjoy! :)'

I am so annoyed! She's correct that I gave it away- but I didn't give it to her to sell!! I feel like demanding that she either return the object to me or at least give me the money from the sale.

She's a good friend otherwise, but the kind of person who is always hunting for a bargain or a freebie. It was fun at uni but getting a bit tiresome today!!!

AIBU or is my friend a PITA?!

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 07/12/2017 01:01

@theftbyfinding legally it belongs to FIL, not them though? They only had possession of it for a specific purpose- to give to FIL.

But i suppose they could argue that because I didn't object when they said it would be their gift, that I was consenting to it becoming their property? As in, it's now theirs to give away so also theirs to sell.. if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/12/2017 01:01

I am Shock

But you need to act of this NOW!

"friend I need to be honest and tell you I horrified at you selling x, I gave it to someone who I thought would love and appreciate it, not for you to make money from. I am really shocked and I'll be collecting it Friday, please have it ready for me"

She is a cheeky bitch

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/12/2017 01:03

She can argue all she likes, she is a cheeky bitch and she needs telling, I cannot believe her audacity

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 07/12/2017 01:05

Ok, I'm going to message her back.

Glad it's not just me who thinks this is Angry

OP posts:
KC225 · 07/12/2017 01:06

That is awful. You may consider her a good friend but she clearly does nor value your friendship. I agree with the others. Demand it back. Add this post the her Facebook comments. Name and shame the CF

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/12/2017 01:07

Good luck, I hope she is suitably embarrassed, does she have for for being a cf?

gobster · 07/12/2017 01:08

Think nocabbage message is spot on, though change collecting Friday to drop it back asap or i'll come and collect

I still can't believe the gaul

ItsNachoCheese · 07/12/2017 01:10

Id get it back! What a cow she is

BluePlasticBuddha · 07/12/2017 01:11

Hope you get it back.

I had something quite similar happen. A friend of mine asked me to donate a posh frock before an up coming social event. The frock was meant to be then 'auctioned off' along with others at said social event with the proceeds going to a domestic violence charity. My friend was meant to do nothing more than organise the donations and collect.

I donated a little pink Hobbs cocktail dress I had worn once (when I was 8 stone.... some 3 stone lighter than today!) Next thing i knew I saw the bloody dress on a local fb selling page being sold by her. I did confront her (in some indignation) and was told exactly what the OP here has been told- I donated it, so at that point it was not up to me what happened to it afterwards. I was furious and have not spoken to her since, but I wish I had had the balls to really get stuck in publicly on the fb selling page and shamed her or something.

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 07/12/2017 01:11

Ok wrote back:

'[CFFriend], I'm confused, did [FIL] not want the [object] after all? If he doesn't want it, I would like it back. Please take your ad down.'

I'll post her response. Very very tempted to link to this thread on her Facebook post but seems a bit aggressive when this could be a misunderstanding..

OP posts:
iboughtsnowboots · 07/12/2017 01:12

This is well out of line, your friend's job was to act a a courier not to steal and sell the object. I would like to think I Would insist on it being returned to me. I can be a bit of a wuss so I might just never talk to her again instead! But don't be me, get it back.

iboughtsnowboots · 07/12/2017 01:13

Cross post, well done OP.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/12/2017 01:14

Good message, I really hope you get it back.

Then fuck her off altogether and stick it up on FB "Free to a good home" Wink

Insomnibrat · 07/12/2017 01:16

Cheeky bitch! Well done you for calling her on it!
I hate when people take advantage

LoneParenting101 · 07/12/2017 01:17

No she needs to see this thread! She needs to see she is the wrong!! Cheeky fuckery must be nipped in the bud!

SleepFreeZone · 07/12/2017 01:18

Good message.

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 01:19

Wow! Cheeky bitch!

gobster · 07/12/2017 01:20

exactly iboughtsnowboots

If you bought an item and it was delivered via a courier and you didn't want it, you would return to the sender not give to the courier to do with whatever they wanted!

I cannot understand the thinking

blueplasticbudda so your friend stole a charity donation!!! That's bloody low, if you'd given her £200 cash and she'd kept it that could put her in serious trouble a dress should be no different!!

BluePlasticBuddha · 07/12/2017 01:21

I've always been annoyed I did nothing more than complain about it to DH at the time. I wish I'd been on MN then!

theftbyfinding · 07/12/2017 01:21

I'm not a lawyer, I maintain, you gave it to them. End of story. You did not ask them to pass it on to someone legally. You gave it to them.

gobster · 07/12/2017 01:22

blueplasticbuddha i'm not surprised I'd have been fuming, I'd have reported her to the charity/organisers of the event that's for certain!

manicinsomniac · 07/12/2017 01:24

That's awful! Unless the FIL knew it was intended as a gift for him and specifically told your friend he'd rather it was sold to finance gifts for the whole family instead of being kept by him then she has absolutely stolen it. Just in a way that is practically impossible to prove. Ugh, that would make me so, so mad. I hope you get it back - either for FIL or for yourself.

gobster · 07/12/2017 01:25

theftbyfinding so if u gave a friend an envelope of money to pass on to someone to their family that's perfect acceptable for them to just keep it?

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 07/12/2017 01:29

Bizarre response from CFFriend:

'We know that [FIL] would be embarrassed by expensive gifts. we'll buy him a Normal gift with the $ plus rest of fam. Thanks! :)'

Oh my gosh those smiley faces are really annoying me!

OP posts:
HelenUrth · 07/12/2017 01:30

"'[CFFriend], I'm confused, did [FIL] not want the [object] after all? If he doesn't want it, I would like it back. Please take your ad down.' "

I'm sorry, but I would describe your text as "fluffy". A cheeky cow like that will let it wash right over her; I think you probably needed to be more forceful and suspect she'll push back hard.

You probably need to make it crystal clear that the only reason you let her have (temporary) possession of this object was to pass it on to FIL, and the only reason you were giving it to FIL was that, given his hobby and expertise, you thought he would appreciate having (not looking at) it.

I'd also note that I'd raised my eyebrows at the Christmas gift comment but let it slide at the time.

In your shoes I'd comment along the lines of "you don't really think I would give a valuable item out of my attic to you to sell to line your pockets, when I could do it myself to line my own? [Add "LOL" if you want to soften the comment!] We were happy for FIL to have it due to his expertise as he could appreciate it." - and, assuming she pushes back against the text you have already sent her, I'd say something like "It would be good not to fall out over this".
Then if she values the money over your friendship you know for sure where you stand.