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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/12/2017 23:29

Another ‘light the fuse & run’ OP. Whadda surprise.

brasty · 06/12/2017 23:31

£50 is a lot for a meal, far more than I would normally pay. If you drink a lot I can see how it would soon add up, but if you don't, it is an expensive meal. And you won't even have much choice over what you eat.

Why not just do the traditional thing people used to do and have a party at home?

Twooter · 06/12/2017 23:35

I'd rather be invited and have to pay, than not be invited at all. If it was a close friend/ relative i'dbe gutted at just being able to look at photos whereas I wouldn't mind paying for myself if it was the only way they could afford for me to be there.

Chrys2017 · 06/12/2017 23:47

Given the number of people these days that apparently "don't eat home-made" I think any kind of bring-a-dish buffet would be a disaster.

FairyDogMother11 · 06/12/2017 23:57

I wouldn't say 50 guests is low key. We are going low key with 18 guests and even that's more than we originally planned. We'd never ask them to pay for their meals either hence having such a small day in the first place. I think you need longer to save or to adjust your day entirely. My SIL was a bridesmaid at a wedding like you've suggested and she's always resented having to pay for her own dress, shoes, transport, hair and make up and meals and drinks. It cost her a fortune and she didn't even like the place they went for dinner.

AnneEyhtMeyer · 07/12/2017 00:16

Years ago I waitressed at a wedding where the couple gave us a colour-coded table plan, showing which guests got a meal paid for and who had to pay for themselves.

Some people were "allowed" everything, some a meal but no drinks, some a main but no pudding, and some had to pay for everything themselves.

It was so so embarrassing for everybody involved, apart from the smug couple seemingly unaware of the bad feeling they had created.

The groom was obsessed with the cheap plonk they had ordered for the toast, terrified we were going to open too many bottles. We ended up with two open bottles with about a quarter of a bottle left in each, and he was so angry he grabbed the bottles and tried to empty one into the other. It was very satisfying to see the wine fizz out of the bottle and all over him.

hollowtree · 07/12/2017 00:21

queen amazing idea! Wish I'd thought of that...

hollowtree · 07/12/2017 00:23

anne as a waitress myself I just cringed so badly at this!

Jux · 07/12/2017 00:24

Which is more important - getting married in church, or having 50 guests?

Btw, 50 guests is not a small wedding. Have parents and siblings there is a small wedding.

BikeRunSki · 07/12/2017 00:26

Yes

You’ve says you are not intrested in a big do. 50 people in a restaurant is a big do! Cut it down further to something you can afford.

Bluesrunthegame · 07/12/2017 00:27

I once paid for my dinner at a wedding reception! The couple were unusual in many ways and were stony broke, so it was amusing not insulting. The food was lovely, there was lots of it, and I think we all had a good time.

People understood why the couple asked us to pay, and I don't think anyone seriously minded.

sweetsomethings · 07/12/2017 00:29

If you can't afford to have them there don't have them so unreasonable

ChristinaParsons · 07/12/2017 00:31

Yes. OP. LISTEN to the majority. If you can’t afford to pay for 3 course dinners for 50 people you are making a massive mistake getting married. The mind boggles. Do what makes you and your partner really happy. When you are on your death bed will you really say well twice cousin removed flo enjoyed her meal at our wedding?

GreenTulips · 07/12/2017 00:34

As a family that would add up to £300 for one meal!!

I wouldn't pay

Do something cheaper - elope

Throw a party afterwards

IslingtonLou · 07/12/2017 00:55

You can ask guests to pay but don’t be surprised if they don’t show up

Theresnonamesleft · 07/12/2017 01:05

Where are people getting £50 a head from? Op said 50 people.

For me it would depend on the cost. Casual dress (nothing new to buy), full choice of menu etc, no gifts at all, no hen night, it could work out considerably cheaper.

Booze, lots of weddings dont include an open bar.

Or you could hire a hall and in lieu of all the above, ask guests to bring a dish.

THere are loads of ways to do a wedding on a budget. You just have to be created. someone on here did an afternoon tea in a hall or marquee (forget which). If you cannot be arsed to do shed loads of sandwiches, you could do a deal with a sandwich shop or deli.

DarthMaiden · 07/12/2017 01:13

Here's the thing.....

They are guests at your wedding.

When you issue an invitation to a guest it's incumbent on you to to host them.

Their responsibility is to rsvp, turn up on time and appropriately dressed.

Yours is to display hospitality for their efforts in supplying them with food and drink (the latter within reason).

It's not a show FFS where you pay for the privilege of attending.

I had 30 people at my wedding - posh location, tasting menu etc - because that's how many we could afford to host within the parameters of our preferred location/menu etc

I could have had 150 if I'd made different choices but one of them would never have been to issue "tickets" (which is pretty much what you are doing) to the nuptials.

The idea of no presents isn't sound - people still pay for travel, accommodation, outfits - weddings aren't free for the invitees...

It's really bad form and frankly more than a bit "go fund me" because I'm a selfish, indulgent fucker.

AJPTaylor · 07/12/2017 06:20

Just go to a Hungry Horse. We saw wedding party in full flow with bride in white and veil in our local Hungry Horse. It makes me smile to this day! Weekday afternoon so a tenner for 2 courses i think.

AliPfefferman · 07/12/2017 06:26

The OP’s clearly not coming back. We fall for a windup WAY too easily!

OutComeTheWolves · 07/12/2017 06:28

It's rude but there are ways around it. A friend got married and had the reception the village hall. In lieu of a gift, she asked everyone to provide something for the buffet and she sorted out cutlery and crockery. The buffet was fab and nobody minded.

I was also a guest at a wedding on VE Day - the couple had used it as their theme. It was a late wedding and the church hall was all done out in bunting etc. For the meal each table got their 'rations' which was a hamper the B&G had put together filled with pies, cold meat dc cheeses etc. That one was slightly less popular than the first one I mentioned as some guests were quite snarky about it but I thought it was great too.

BluePlasticBuddha · 07/12/2017 06:41

Best wedding I ever went to had more than 50people and was a really simple afternoon tea after the church. The wedding favours were packs of cottage garden plant seeds. It was teetotal as the B&G had met in rehab. So loads of tea, squash and chocolate milk. I absolutely loved it.

Get married, throw your friends a BBQ in the garden. Enjoy it immensely.

tobitcoinornottobitcoin · 07/12/2017 09:22

Did OP come back?

gamerchick · 07/12/2017 10:15

No, they probably have enough material for whatever platform they need it for.

Who’s taking bets where it’ll be discussed first?

Kaykee · 07/12/2017 21:08

Congrats On your engagement but I’d agree on the asking people to pay. Thing is you can’t really have it all, you chose to spend your money on a house and fair enough but that means your wedding will have to be more low key than you perhaps want or you need to think again re plans.

What’s wrong with a lovely cermeomy and a good band/buffet or less people for a meal not my cup of tea to getting married then just sit down to eat then what go home?
But each to their own

MrsNjie · 07/12/2017 21:24

Just have a smaller wedding... I got married in Gambia (husband gambian) in their register office and went for a lunch after (wraps and soft drinks) with 14 close family and friends which my husband's cousin paid for.... it was all over by 2pm, we went home for a nap then out for dinner just the two of us. We had £150 gold rings and I wore a multiway dress from M&S, got his suit from Moss bros, had hair and make-up done professionally and paid a local photographer for our beautiful album. Whole thing under £1000... what was important to me was committing to my husband not having a wedding. It was perfect. Big weddings are boring any way, I wouldn't want to pay to attend one. It was bad enough paying for travel, shoes, make up and presents for my friends wedding recently without adding on food tbh.