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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 06/12/2017 20:44

50 guests sounds more middle-key (if there is such a thing!) than low-key. Could you not have fewer guests and perhaps throw some kind of party at a later date with a buffet to celebrate with wider friends and family?

QueenOfAllISurvey · 06/12/2017 20:44

God you're so unreasonable.

Last year we went to a wedding which required 2 nights in a hotel, a 12 hour round trip in the car, a new outfit each and a gift. Cost us around £1000.

To be asked for money after the meal was a fucking insult. I'll honestly never forget it, it's really tainted the friendship I had with the couple.

I think their wedding cost me more than it cost them.

If you can't afford 50 guests don't invite them.

Hercules12 · 06/12/2017 20:44

Sorry missed you said already 're gifts.

NeilPetark · 06/12/2017 20:44

Yes YABU. If you can’t afford to pay for your guests then scale down your wedding.

XiCi · 06/12/2017 20:44

Oh God yes, that would be awful. I would either postpone the wedding for a bit longer to save the extra money to pay for the restaurant or cut my cloth my cloth accordingly and hire a room with a bar/buffet.

Schlimbesserung · 06/12/2017 20:45

I wouldn't mind if it was a family member and it was also really clear that no gift was expected. If not close family I wouldn't be pearl-clutchingly offended but I wouldn't go.

Jaffalong · 06/12/2017 20:45

Really bad manners, it's a bit crass tbh. You want a party then pay for it yourselves. Uc you can't afford it then either go to the registry office and get married quietly without 50 guests or postpone the wedding for another year & save money to do it properly. Very unreasonable to expect your guests to pay for your wedding reception & buy you a wedding gift on top of it.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 06/12/2017 20:45

YABVU, you can't issue an invite but then expect people to pay.

If you don't care about a big wedding just have a registry office ceremony and skip the meal. The vows are the only thing needed, every thing else is a luxury.

NoSquirrels · 06/12/2017 20:46

You can:

Wait longer and save more

Have less than 50 guests and the nice restaurant 3-course meal

Have 50 guests (or more) and a buffet/village hall/pub

Have a small ceremony/3-course meal with close family only then a pub/village hall reception.

If it was a proper to-notch restaurant I’d be happy to pay in lieu of gifts - I’m think of someone I know who had a meal at St John in London. But for an average ‘nice neighbourhoid’ place I’d probably be a bit meh about the idea.

SparklingSnowfall · 06/12/2017 20:46

Grin I think you have your answer OP, but just in case YABU!!

RestingGrinchFace · 06/12/2017 20:46

YABVU-there must be sone way you can cut costs? Registry wedding instead of church? Don't buy a dress/suit-use something that you already have. Opt for slight cheaper food like vegetarian rather than steak.

KC225 · 06/12/2017 20:46

Another one for postpone the wedding to save more or have a smaller wedding. Do not ask for guests to pay for their meal.

Mousewatch · 06/12/2017 20:46

Can't you just do afternoon tea tye stuff instead of a 3 course meal?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 06/12/2017 20:47

How long before this thread winds up in the DM website? Place your bets please.

Oh and YABVU.

LoniceraJaponica · 06/12/2017 20:47

Have your reception in a hired hall and ask guests to contribute some food for the buffet. If you ask people to pay for a meal you will get a lot of people declining the invitation.

thecatsthecats · 06/12/2017 20:47

Where are people getting £50 from? The OP doesn't say.

I'd say the standard for 3 courses set menu is often £30, if not lower for the vast majority of the country, though you'd have to add a drink or two.

Nevertheless - don't do it OP! Awful idea, honestly. So many other options:

  1. Save longer
  2. Cheaper food (ask the restaurant if they'll serve cake for pudding?)
  3. Fewer guests
  4. Village hall buffet type affair.

Coat, cutting, cloth etc

Crumbs1 · 06/12/2017 20:48

Actually, if it were explained as you have and if there were no expectations regarding presents, I’d be happy to pay. I’d rather that than know you’d struggled to afford it but had to ac eat lots of unnecessary presents.

gamerchick · 06/12/2017 20:48

If you can’t afford it just have the vows with a couple of witnesses and have a party later on when you’re more comfortable.

You can’t make your guests pay man!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/12/2017 20:50

I agree it’s not on.

You have the wedding you can afford. If you can’t afford it then you do something else.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 06/12/2017 20:51

No. 50 guests is still a lot. Either close family only or late wedding followed by buffet in the church hall.

Ellisandra · 06/12/2017 20:51

Laughing at the idea that 50 guests is a low key wedding!

I went to a wedding this year where the food was being your own for a communal BBQ. The B&G don't earn much, and they're also known for being frugal - but not tight. They laid on a lot of beer. It was lovely, and very "them" and the communal part of it really added to the atmosphere. And of course you could choose what you brought so it was actually pretty cheap. It was lovely.

But just being asked to stump up for the meal? No. Rude. Even moreso when it's not because you're a young couple finding life very hard... it's because you've chosen to prioritise buying a house.

Have an actually low key wedding, then save up for a party later on.

pallisers · 06/12/2017 20:51

have the kind of party you can afford. Have afternoon tea. Do a pot luck in the local hall. Serve pizza/beer/wine in your house. Have a lovely dinner for 5 people plus yourselves. Get married and then throw a party later.

DancingHouse · 06/12/2017 20:52

When would you tell them you'd be charging them to attend? As part of the invite who would accept that? or after they have accepted? and then resent you for it

expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 20:52

Yes, YABVU. You need to have a different wedding. A buffet, a bring and share, a house party bring and share. You don't need a three course meal with drinks. Hmm

AJPTaylor · 06/12/2017 20:53

Any scope for parents to help? How much is it? 2 grand (40 a head?). You better start saving.... you could ask maybe parents or family to contribute to the cake or flowers or dress instead?.

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