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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
jwpetal · 08/12/2017 18:54

I tried to think of how you can word this so it could work, but I can't do it. Have a small wedding with just your key people in your life.

or just have drinks and cake. Keep it simple.

You made life choices and one of them was to buy a house together. this goes along with your life choices.

Boffin90 · 08/12/2017 18:55

I think people lose sight at what weddings are about...
Attending to celebrate with people you love and care for. If it makes it easier to have everybody you want there, I think asking for help is perfectly acceptable!
People that love you and want to be part of your day won’t mind. Freeloaders will so it will help you separate.
😊😊

overnightangel · 08/12/2017 18:57

OP is sense of entitlement personified

overnightangel · 08/12/2017 18:58

@expatinscotland
Well put

JediStoleMyBike · 08/12/2017 19:00

Small wedding. When did living within your own means become so unusual? We had 10 people at our wedding and meal afterwards as we were saving for a house and I was pregnant - and it was lovely.

jarhead123 · 08/12/2017 19:08

Yes, a really bad idea sorry

gingergenius · 08/12/2017 19:10

Don't do it. Unless it's Maui.

Appuskidu · 08/12/2017 19:29

OMG, if it IS Maui, that explains everything!

Minaktinga · 08/12/2017 19:33

When We got married we asked guests to bring a dish. But we supplemented this AND covered drinks AND the reception was in a friends garden in the afternoon (we couldn’t afford anything grand either).
I wouldn’t ask people to pay in your shoes I don’t think.

GinFuzzy · 08/12/2017 19:47

I can see both sides.... my suggestion would be a later ceremony, so no need for sit down meal and hire a hall for a bring your own bottle party at night.

sleepingthr0ugh · 08/12/2017 20:09

I would happily pay for a dinner to celebrate my friends special day. It is not common practice but so what. I would invite your 50 guests to the wedding at the church with a little note to say you are not having a formal reception but will be going out for a meal afterwards and would welcome their company and include a set menu with prices. Ask for them to confirm if they wish to join you and if so clearly state the venue will need payment by X date. Don't worry others think. Its your day do it your way. Have a great day whatever you do.

Jayfee · 08/12/2017 20:14

Good grief..yabu

Rabblemum · 08/12/2017 20:55

Either save your pennies and pay for the dinnervyourself or book a hall and get everyone to bring food. Anyone could afford to bring a pasta dish. I’m skint and I’ve had to turn down invitations because going to weddings is so expensive, you have to travel and buy new clothes, id be very happy to take a dish, I wouldn’t pay for an overpriced meal.

justlliloleme · 08/12/2017 20:57

You say getting married is important to you. Well then get married, it doesn’t cost that much in a registery office. So there’s nothing stopping you from getting married.

Is it important to celebrate your marriage with your family & friends? If the answer to this is yes then you need to look at a way you can affordably do this yourselves.

I think it’s really bad form to expect people to pay for themselves, but I also think it’s bad form when people do wedding lists & ask for money instead of presents.

When we got married we purposely put on our invitations that ‘no gifts required your company is gift enough’.

If the celebration part of your wedding is as important as the vows then you really need to find a way to pay for it yoursves I’m afraid.

JanKind · 08/12/2017 21:40

Not good form and you would find yourselves with a very small wedding as most would probably decline.

abtnurse · 08/12/2017 22:04

YUBVU
50 guests for a 3-course meal in a restaurant sounds quite posh to me, not low-key at all. Have you considered that some guests wouldn't be able to afford to come? Lower your expectations of the reception, you said the marriage part was most important.

simiisme · 08/12/2017 22:23

YABU. There are a lot of costs associated with going to a wedding - travel, often new outfits, babysitting costs. Maybe even a hotel.
Have a small wedding within your budget.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 08/12/2017 22:31

Imagine 50 peoppe working out how much they spent. And splitting the bill 50 ways isnt going to work. 1 person may of had just a main meal and a soft drink and another may of had 3 courses and a bottle of wine....

Sheffmum1 · 08/12/2017 22:49

Pay for it but ask for loads of expensive gifts and sell them on ebay!!

CeciliaBartolli · 09/12/2017 00:21

As you cannot give a reception you cannot also expect wedding gifts!

What you are suggesting is appalling bad manners if you are receiving gifts.

You need to get yourself organised and hire a hall and do a buffet yourselves. Your wine will cost a few hundred though.

Justaboy · 09/12/2017 00:28

Simples - Live in Sin:)

JanKind · 09/12/2017 03:37

Has anyone seen if the OP has acknowledged any of these? Grin

Ohmyfuck · 09/12/2017 04:09

Please don't ask them to pay. It would be embarrassing. I'm cringing just thinking about it. Please don't. Either postpone your wedding until you can afford the one you want or go to a registry office but PLEASE DON'T ASK GUESTS TO PAY. Shock

noodlesandtomatoes · 09/12/2017 04:28

Save up like everyone else or do some smaller you can afford.

Splinterz · 09/12/2017 04:40

Surprisingly I don't have an issue with this at all.

I've been to several silver wedding anniversary meals out where we have paid for our own. I'm not really seeing the difference to this and a wedding with a pay bar?

50 people is a really small wedding. That barely covers siblings, partners, parents aunts/uncles in most families, let alone friends. 50 people is hardly enough to hire a hall, DJ , throw on a buffet and have a boogie - but I'm guessing you want something more sophisticated Grin

So long as I wasn't expected to buy a present, I'd have no problems with covering my own meal.

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