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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ChevalierTialys · 07/12/2017 21:30

I doubt very much the OP will come back after 10 pages of YABU to be honest

MrsFogi · 07/12/2017 21:32

Ha ha ha - the meaning of invitation seems to have got lost somewhere along the way. If you invite someone to dinner, you provide or pay for their dinner! If you invite them to your wedding you don't get them to pay for the cost of feeding them!

tendergreenbean · 07/12/2017 21:36

Can't afford to feed guests a wedding breakfast, so we're eloping.
I'm going to cook a big one-pot meal for all the family at our house the week afterwards (and get 2 wears out of my dress Wink)
Guests should never pay IMO. Host people within your means.

Seniorcitizen1 · 07/12/2017 21:36

Your problem will solve itself if guests have to pay - hardly anyone will come and you will then be able to afford to pay for those that do.

tendergreenbean · 07/12/2017 21:41

As an aside, however, if guests really must pay for their meals don't have a set menu! You might just about get away with it if people have a full choice of how they spend their money, and you phrase the invitation as a casual lunch you'd love them to join you for, NOT as a "wedding reception"

Wattonearth · 07/12/2017 21:44

I think YABU to be honest. You just need to either adjust your plans or save for longer to accommodate your guests. We had a small wedding... used a restaurant for the meal after too which meant there was no venue fee just the cost of the food... so we had our (admittally low key and not the norm) reception for the cost of food for 35 guests... 3courses for just less then £30 per head with the additional cost of wine for the tables and wine to toast. Personally I think when your inviting guests you provide for them in this type of setting.

NapQueen · 07/12/2017 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

topsyandtimison · 07/12/2017 21:58

Daily mail

Oakmaiden · 07/12/2017 22:06

I think the idea you have in mind is probably unreasonable. However, I would not be at all offended to be told "You are invited to our wedding. We are not having a reception, but thought we might pop down to the Kings Arms afterwards. They serve pub food and have a restaurant. We would love to see you there."

Sara107 · 07/12/2017 22:13

I think the op has been treated a bit unfairly here. She clearly said this would be instead of a gift - loads of people seem to have missed that and are complaining of the cost of going to a wedding, including a gift. Paying £30- £50 for a meal Instead of giving a gift seems to me not a bad idea at all. The only flaw I can see is that a couple will have to buy 2 dinners rather than 1 gift, and if families with children are invited they might end up paying a lot. But without knowing the cost of the meal it's hard to say. I think that the hosts should pay for part of it though - guests pay for their food ( instead of a gift) but hosts buy the drink or vice versa.

Pancakeflipper · 07/12/2017 22:14

If one of my mates did this I'd happily do this and probably give a little gift.
But oddly enough if someone I hardly knew (distant cousin type thing) sent an invite with this I'd probably not bother.

Delatron · 07/12/2017 22:22

Just no. The OP is getting a hard time as it's a ridiculous suggestion. You don't invite people to a wedding of any form and ask them to pay for a meal. The present thing is irrelevant. If you can't afford it then keep it small and low key.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/12/2017 22:26

I don't think the OP has been back! Maybe she works for the Fail and was looking for fodder...as it appears to be there now

MadMags · 07/12/2017 22:43

Really?? That’s fucking annoying!

Shadow666 · 08/12/2017 00:19

Personally, I’d borrow the money. Most people give money as a wedding gift so they will probably get enough to cover it, if not maybe just a few hundred to pay it off.

ohlittlepea · 08/12/2017 06:18

YABVU. If you dont have enough money to pay for a meal a potluck buffet is the answer. I often find on these threads brides have a 1000 dress but cant afford to treat their guests. Very bad form. We had fish and chip supper for our wedding breakfast and lots of free drinks. It wasnt fancy but it was fun and most importantly everyone was fed for free!

BanyanChristmasTree · 08/12/2017 06:28

I think the OP got a rough ride here.
If I was a relative of yours and I liked you I wouldn't have a problem with it. I go out for quite a lot of meals so it wouldn't bother me to pay for my own at your low key wedding. In fact I'd be glad that it was hassle free and different.

Great Aunt Velma who loves a wedding won't be happy about it though.

TBH if I were you I'd just book a holiday and get married on your own on a beach somewhere, barefoot and with a white simple dress.

Cakeorchocolate · 08/12/2017 07:12

Yep unreasonable! You have the type of wedding celebration you can afford. You don't have what you want and get other people to pay. Unless it's a destination wedding type and people are getting a holiday out of it.

Ragwort · 08/12/2017 07:19

Personally, I’d borrow the money. - that is a shocking idea Shock.

I believe that if you can't afford something you just don't have it (or save up) - whether it is handbag, car, holiday, iPad or wedding party.

I don't understand why people seem so happy to get into debt for totally unimportant 'stuff'.

If you want to get married - just book the registry office and host a small party at home.

StilettosAreANoNo · 08/12/2017 07:32

Some people won’t mind but a lot will. Imagine the undercurrent that’s going to give. It’ll be that people talk about for ages afterwards in uncomplimentary terms rather than remembering nice things about the wedding.

Get married away somewhere quietly, spend what you can afford on a romantic couple of nights away. Have a party/get together/big bbq at home later.

People will understand, especially if you say that’s how you wanted to do it rather than had to.

mamamalt · 08/12/2017 07:47

I wouldn’t mind at all. I’m guessing these people are your nearest and dearest. For my close friends etiquette really goes out the window and I am really only concerned with being there for their big day! Will it feel uncomfortable asking or do you know everyone enough to know they won’t mind?
Some people haven’t even read your post properly.

WilyMinx · 08/12/2017 07:51

I agree with everyone who says get married in a registry office. I did (although we later had an unofficial beach ceremony) and we booked all the guests into a nearby restaurant. There were about 30 guests, and we didn't do individual sit-down menus, but ordered loads of food for them to share like a buffet. It came to less than £400, and there were quite a bit of leftovers.

expatinscotland · 08/12/2017 07:53

'Personally, I’d borrow the money. Most people give money as a wedding gift so they will probably get enough to cover it, if not maybe just a few hundred to pay it off.'

This is why weddings are so OTT now, the whole 'big day' paradigm and even, like this poster, seeing it as a financial vehicle for personal gain. Can't get what you want? Get someone else to pay for it and even line your pockets.

IceBearRocks · 08/12/2017 07:55

What happened to the OP?

expatinscotland · 08/12/2017 08:02

This reply has been deleted

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