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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
peachypetite · 06/12/2017 22:43

You can't have it both ways. You either treat your guests well or invite fewer people.

peanut2017 · 06/12/2017 22:44

Good for you Lipstick but I do sometimes as have invested in posts before only to find them deleted as it was a troll.

No need to worry what I think - you can carry on

Lesley1980 · 06/12/2017 22:46

If I knew my friends/family wanted us at meal but couldn't afford it I would happily pay.

Jaxhog · 06/12/2017 22:47

A wedding I went to last year was a bring and share. Bride and groom provided the venue and entertainment, and we had a cash bar. Worked a treat.

Fitbitironic · 06/12/2017 22:48

I’m amazed that anybody would think this U at all. In some cultures it’s considered compulsory to give money for the wedding - how is this any different? I’d be quite happy to not buy a gift and chip in my share of the meal instead.

Is that what OP said though? No gifts? (If indeed this was a genuine post and not an attempt to start a bun fight then bugger off. )
Don't know what's wrong with ppl today, all the grabby behaviour with weddings... Does tend to feel less like the happy couple wanting to celebrate with you and more like them trying to get as much celebrating/holiday/gifts for free as possible.

ToadOfSadness · 06/12/2017 22:50

My wedding was very small, had very little money.Chose only guests that were really important to us.

We went to a restaurant and instead of having gifts which we didn't need anyway simply asked people to pay for their meal.

JaneEyre70 · 06/12/2017 22:51

I don't have any issue with it at all, and have had a few weddings lately along those lines. No wedding attendance comes cheap these days and I'm sick of forking out hundreds for travel, hotel rooms, breakfasts, hen nights, buttonholes/corsages,outfits etc so I'm happy to pay a small contribution and be spared greater expense. I do think you can't ask people to travel far though to do so, and you need to provide some drinks even if its one on arrival/soft drinks. And keep the guests to immediate family/friends with a no gift policy.

Giraffey1 · 06/12/2017 22:55

The trouble with this idea is that it takes choice away from your guests. They can choose to buy a new outfit or go for a wardrobe favourite. They can choose to spend £5 or £500 on a wedding gift. But they can’t choose whether or not to spend fifty quid on a meal. Unless they don’t attend.

I fear that expecting guests to come to your wedding and to have to pay for a meal just isn’t fair. As many others have said, apart from anything else it may mean guests have to pay more than they can afford or wish to spend.

HermionesRightHook · 06/12/2017 23:00

In some cultures it’s considered compulsory to give money for the wedding

That is very true: in some cultures. The fact that the OP is asking about it and is (I'm guessing) not in one of those cultures, because her mum kicked off about it, suggests hers is not one of them and people will think she's being really rude. I would.

Also, in those cultures, it's still very much a personal choice as to how much you give. My dad, for example, is pretty well off and gives cash gifts very generously to all of his nephews, nieces, etc., but wouldn't expect me to do the same - we give what we can afford at the time, not a fixed amount set by the bride and groom. And I can guarantee that if he were asked for a set cash amount they'd be getting bugger all. Because that's not how gifts work in our culture.

yankeec · 06/12/2017 23:01

Firstly you're not entitled to a gift when you get married (quite a few of my guests didn't bring gifts) so it's not the case of "oh they would be spending it anyway!"

Unless you want everyone you know discussing how cheap you are for the rest of their lives, and you are prepared to die from shame, have the wedding you can afford and don't ask guests to pay for their own meal!

Whitecurrants · 06/12/2017 23:01

Is that what OP said though? No gifts? (If indeed this was a genuine post and not an attempt to start a bun fight then bugger off. )

Yes, OP did say no gifts at the beginning. No opinion on genuine or not.

BMW6 · 06/12/2017 23:04

OP scale down your wedding. Concentrate on your marriage.

Mxyzptlk · 06/12/2017 23:08

pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

No wedding gifts
That's what the OP said. I don't see any problem.

ChristinaParsons · 06/12/2017 23:09

LISTEN TO THIS. When I married I had been with my partner for 15 years. We did not need 20 toasters or a load of unnecessary rubbish. We sent people a text saying our after do would be held at X we don’t want gifts instead Here is the menu please pre order and your payment for the meal will be taken on the day. We will provide alcohol and there will be a cheese cake desert. Fastest way of finding out who actually wishes you well. And everyone who attended said it was the best wedding they ever went to because it was so relaxed

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 06/12/2017 23:09

Why the sudden rush to get married next year? You say you've only recently got engaged and bought a house - can't you save for another 6 months on top of what you originally thought so you can pay for the meals?

expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 23:11

'Fastest way of finding out who actually wishes you well. '

So if they were a family of 4 who couldn't afford to buy all the meals they didn't wish you well Hmm?

User600500 · 06/12/2017 23:12

Yes sorry it would be. Could you cut the guest list down

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 06/12/2017 23:12

I'm afraid it is, OP!

If you can't afford it, you can't have it!

Either delay your wedding or invite less people

Rhynswynd · 06/12/2017 23:14

We had a small wedding. Only 49 guests. We were broke. We had a registry office wedding then off to a nice place for lunch. We asked our guests to pay for their own meals as we wanted to be with them for the day but we're low on money and also asked for no gifts as we were emigrating. They were 100% happy to do this as tgey understood the reasons and that it was about family and love rather than a party.
In saying that we also held an evening disco for all these people and other friends and family and had a buffet. His parents paid for that as a gift.
Total cost of our wedding £1500

So, as long as you have reasons and your guests are happy YANBU

Willswife · 06/12/2017 23:14

We got married in March (prices at some venues are cheaper Jan-April we found), midweek and didn't have an evening reception. We also married in a licensed venue rather than a church.

I just wanted to be married, the wedding itself wasn't hugely important to me, although I did love the day.

You can get married cheaply if it's just being married that's important to you. I would have been quite happy to have got married at the registry office with no guests but my husband thought that was a step to far!

sailorcherries · 06/12/2017 23:15

Yabu

eastlondoner · 06/12/2017 23:24

That's a terrible idea and really rude.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 06/12/2017 23:24

My wedding had 50 guests, held in a hotel with registrars, casual seating hot buffet, chocolate wedding cake for pud and large cheese board, plenty of fizz, wine & beer on a stunning sunny, frosty winters day, married at 1130 all finished by 1730. Total cost £5k. We walked the 20 metres to our local pub for the evening anyone who wanted to could join us. Best day of my life. I would never expect my guests to pay. Asked for no gifts too and got loads of gift vouchers and Champagne from my lovely friends & family.

Bellamuerte · 06/12/2017 23:28

You have what you can afford - you don't ask guests to pay. We also couldn't afford to pay for three course meals and drinks for everyone we invited to our wedding. So instead we had a buffet with one welcome drink per person. We actually received quite a few cash gifts which added up to about 2/3 the cost of the reception.

Allthewaves · 06/12/2017 23:28

Yabu

Just do afternoon tea in church hall