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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 08/12/2017 08:05

Meh, its a low key dinner at a local restaurant. Its hardly Pippa Middleton revisited. Most people give cash as a present these days. They can probably save enough for a deposit and pay the rest with whatever moneyvthey get as wedding presents. I dont see the big deal.

lakeg · 08/12/2017 08:10

Thank you darthmaiden for defining what guest means.

Have a simple event and then when you can afford it, for the anniversary or whatever, have a great big party.

BoredOnMatLeave · 08/12/2017 08:16

50 guests isn't exactly low key...

I know what it's like to have a big family so I would keep the guests but do a buffet in a church hall.

BlueThesaurusRex · 08/12/2017 08:22

Haven’t rtft so forgive me if it’s been suggested... I was once invited to a wedding where the invitation was for ‘hampers and champers’

They hired a village hall and you were asked to bring your own picnic and drinks (they provided a few extra crates/bottles too!)

Unfortunately we couldn’t go but I thought the idea was nice!

ShatnersWig · 08/12/2017 08:24

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LazyDailyMailJournos · 08/12/2017 08:26

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Gilly12345 · 08/12/2017 08:48

Are you for real? You can't ask people to pay, you either save up for longer and delay the wedding or have a smaller wedding with what you can afford? Do you have to pay for all the wedding or are both sets of parents contributing? Maybe some of the guests are their friends? A wedding is a day for you and both sets of parents to enjoy and remember forever.

pasturesgreen · 08/12/2017 08:58

Do you want guests to still gossip talk about 'that wedding where they had to pay for their own meal' in years to come? If so, go right ahead!

caringcarer · 08/12/2017 09:09

You could do wedding then vintage afternoon cream tea with posh china that can be hired. You could still make it upmarket. I have been invited to one of these and it was stunning. Asking for money is begging, you would be v u to do that.

RichmondAvenue · 08/12/2017 09:47

I think it's a bit rude tbh. I also think 50 guests is not that small a wedding. Have fewer guests? Church do then evening party with buffet?

paap1975 · 08/12/2017 10:27

Have the wedding you can afford, full stop

showmewhatyougot · 08/12/2017 11:58

Sorry YABVU :(

Your basically asking for them to fund your wedding, if you can't afford a full 3 course meal, maybe just book a hall and do a buffet, or cut the number of people x

Wishingandwaiting · 08/12/2017 12:08

Op, you say you want a low key wedding and a big impressive one is not important to you.
The thing is, he wedding you do want - you can’t actually afford. So you have to score that off your list too.

We did three course sit down with a alcohol included for 48. £12k

Wishingandwaiting · 08/12/2017 12:09

Including room hire btw in central London hotel.

Wishingandwaiting · 08/12/2017 12:10

And a LOT of champagne

Nightskydreamer · 08/12/2017 13:03

YABVU
If you can’t afford to accomodate 50 guests, don’t have 50 guests? People spend a lot attending a wedding, outfit, travel, hotel, taxis, usually x2. If I then had to pay £100 on top of that I simply wouldn’t go. Most people also wouldn’t spend that much on a gift either you are being incredibly presumptious.

Hire a local cricket club or similar and spend £100 on buffett food. You can have all the people you want there, nobody’s pissed off and drinks are much cheaper!

Appuskidu · 08/12/2017 14:49

although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

That is clearly not true though!

niklew · 08/12/2017 17:36

I agree with most comments - I would either invite the ones I could pay for but you can’t ask people to come to your wedding and pay ....

User11011 · 08/12/2017 17:52

YABU - if you can't afford a wedding then don't have one

TimeforCupcakes · 08/12/2017 17:57

You can't ask your guests to pay it's really rude! If you can't afford it don't invite them. Have a church wedding by all means but maybe have a low-key do in the church hall or just keep it to immediate family only or wait and save up

Tokillamockingalan · 08/12/2017 17:57

YABU. It would be hideous. To start, You can afford to get married which is the most important thing - and Most people can afford to get married for the registry office fee. But you can either afford a wedding party or you can’t. Clearly you can’t. So don’t.

R7589 · 08/12/2017 18:06

You really can’t ask people to pay for the meal. Like others have said, it’s outfits, travel, accommodation etc that goes along with being a guest so it may put some people off if there is another expense. If the meal is say £30 per head - family of 4 that’s £120. That family may not have the funds to give you a present of £120 if the meal was paid for - slightly presumptuous.

My husband and I got married last year and we saved hard for 2 years. We were lucky enough that our 4 sets of parents all contributed as much as they could and we were very greatful however we still paid 75% of our wedding ourselves and we had our dream wedding at a cost we could afford(although it’s a struggle with 2 massive families to keep happy - 90 day guests!!) It’s about being realistic.

Why not wait a little longer. It could even be this time next year and then it gives you a chance to save

Turquoise123 · 08/12/2017 18:36

Have to say I am surprised by all the posts - if you can’t afford it then that’s that

pollymere · 08/12/2017 18:39

Do what I did. Invite everyone to the ceremony and a large party in the evening. Have a meal with as many people as you can afford. We managed twenty but you could just have ten or fewer. We managed a very reasonable menu at not huge cost to us. In the evening we then had a hall with a buffet and people brought their own drinks. We made it clear it was a party. Everyone understood we couldn't afford a sit down dinner for all and many went out for a meal as a group inbetween.

expatinscotland · 08/12/2017 18:44

'Have to say I am surprised by all the posts - if you can’t afford it then that’s that'

That the OP thinks a church wedding with a 3-course sit-down meal plus drinks for 50 is a 'low-key' wedding says it all. People seriously believe they are entitled to the party they want, funded by guests, just because they're them - oh, it's my wedding, milestone birthday, hen/stag do, etc.

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