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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Millybingbong · 06/12/2017 20:37

Yep

pomegranita · 06/12/2017 20:39

Yes

loveablether · 06/12/2017 20:39

I would be miffed to pay, how many wedding have you been to when you’ve had to pay? Don’t do it.

PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2017 20:39

It would be rude to ask guests to pay.

SquatBetty · 06/12/2017 20:39

Oooh no, please don't do this! Very bad form to ask your wedding guests to pay for their own meal.

pudcat · 06/12/2017 20:39

Yes

MadForlt · 06/12/2017 20:39

I'm sure loads of people will think it highly unreasonable. But as a guest I'd be happy with that

Cakefortea1 · 06/12/2017 20:39

Very sorry!

QueenArseClangers · 06/12/2017 20:40

If you’re skint it’d be politer to book a church hall nearby and either put on a buffet or ask guests to bring food instead of a gift.

CheekyRedhead · 06/12/2017 20:40

Wow, can't you just have a smaller wedding? I wouldn't want to go to a wedding I have to pay to attend. Weddings are expensive enough with hen parties, outfits, gifts, travel, accommodation and drinks on the day so to then pay another £50 for a dinner I've not even chosen would be an insult tbh

2cats2many · 06/12/2017 20:40

That is off the scale U. If you can't afford to host properly then don't invite people. Just run away and get married on your own.

Ansumpasty · 06/12/2017 20:40

I personally don't think you can expect people to pay. What about a buffet?

Christmascheerful · 06/12/2017 20:41

I suppose if you give everyone plenty of notice and make it very clear that they will be paying for themselves it should ok...They can always chose to decline.
I have a friends wedding in feb- just paid £80 on a hotel for the night and will spend that plus more on my drinks... Take that into consideration- if your guests have to travel/get a hotel and buy own drinks on top of their own meal the may be a bit pissed off at this

It's defiantly not the done thing...tbh if I was you and your fiance I'd go to the registry office with my parents and siblings and pay for a meal after with just that lot

LadyPenelopeCantDance · 06/12/2017 20:41

If you really want to get married, go and get married at the registry office. YABU for asking people to pay...

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 06/12/2017 20:41

Sorry YABU. You need to save longer or cut down on guests. If we were going that would be £100 for two meals and that is more than we may be comfortably afford to give as a gift you can’t assume everyone would be giving you that much to pay for a meal.

carefreeeee · 06/12/2017 20:41

50 guests is a lot! I think you either need to delay until you can afford to pay for the meals, or have a genuinely low key wedding i.e. registry office with just your parents.

Traditionally parents would contribute though so you could always suggest that to your soon to be father in law?

Kitsharrington · 06/12/2017 20:41

Yes. Wait until you can afford it or don't invite so many people.

Zadig · 06/12/2017 20:41

You can't ask people to pay at your wedding. YABVU.

QueenArseClangers · 06/12/2017 20:42

Or you could bugger off to the registry office then throw a party when you’ve saved up.

happypoobum · 06/12/2017 20:42

YABVU

Unless you want to end up in the Daily Fail?

Hercules12 · 06/12/2017 20:43

I wouldn't have an issue with it but I would state you don't want presents and want to keep it casual so people don't feel obliged to buy new outfit.

Hassled · 06/12/2017 20:43

Can you hire a venue and get caterers? A good party with fish and chips would be better than making your guests pay for their own food - that's really not going to go down well.

cathyclown · 06/12/2017 20:43

How much will dinner cost, does it include drinks, wine etc.

Will everyone have a fixed price menu. What if there are non drinkers.

It isn't the worst idea in the world, esp if it is in lieu of a Wedding Present, but it is going to sound and look a bit off TBH.

I'd say it would be marginally better to ask for cash in lieu of a present. That will at least cover some of the costs of the reception.

Mamabear14 · 06/12/2017 20:43

We couldn't afford to pay for everyone's dinner. So we didn't invite them. We took our kids and parents, and a photographer. Everyone else got to see photos. We had also moved and our big wedding had to get cancelled as a house is just more important.

AmysTiara · 06/12/2017 20:43

No don't ask people to pay for their own good for God's sake.

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