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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 06/12/2017 21:16

We couldn't afford a 3 course sit down meal for our guests as much as we would have liked to. So we had a big buffet instead, which was yummy and less formal.

Littlecaf · 06/12/2017 21:16

Wasn’t there a thread on here from someone who was or is a guest at something similar and everyone thought the bride and groom were BU?

apolipopleptic · 06/12/2017 21:17

Someone I know did this - well, asked for a £20 contribution each to the meal (pizza) in lieu of a gift. I felt a bit “urgh” about it, but it didn’t seem too terrible. But when the bride wrote an agressive Facebook post complaining about how many people hadn’t paid up by the deadline they’d set (pre wedding) they entered a whole new realm of BU for me...

I wouldn’t do it if you could avoid it tbh....

GummyGoddess · 06/12/2017 21:17

The only way you could reasonably do it would be to invite people to your ceremony and put on the invitation that you are going for a meal afterwards and if anyone wants to join you to let you know. I would be prepared for people not to come though.

HermionesRightHook · 06/12/2017 21:17

Rude and completely unreasonable. It's your wedding - you invite people to celebrate with you then you treat them to food and a drink. They can choose to get you a present or not, then.

You don't dictate presents to them and it is really off to ask them to pay for an expensive dinner.

Have a smaller wedding or have a big buffet with the equivalent of half a bottle of wine paid behind the bar for each guest. That's what we did for a much larger number of guests for a reasonable price in central London - you could do that much cheaper in a village hall.

Bumplovin · 06/12/2017 21:17

I know someone that had a 4pm wedding then did a hog roast for the evening so the skipped the part where there was a three course meal

Nyx1 · 06/12/2017 21:19

50 guests is not small.

you want to get married, right? So do it without asking people to pay. Just get married with the right number of people and if you can pay for a drinks thing, do that, if not, then when you can afford to have a big party and treat people, then do.

GummGoddess has a good suggestion there too but you know what organising a big group for a meal is like - you will have to pay deposits etc etc

is there a village hall type place which will allow food in?

thesunisout12 · 06/12/2017 21:19

They are already paying for travel, accommodation, dresses, outfits, etc etc. You will insult a lot of people if you ask them to pay for their own food.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/12/2017 21:19

I went to a wedding where this happened.

Didn’t bother me in the slightest - meant I didn’t have the hassle of deciding what to buy them / debate how much to give them if I just gave cash.

I’m a combination of well off, very busy and lazy though without a single thread of sentimentality in me so I’m probably not average!

MyfatheristheKing · 06/12/2017 21:20

YABVU but I don’t think you need me to tell you that!

Nyx1 · 06/12/2017 21:21

PS in case not clear - YABVVVVVU.

HuskyMcClusky · 06/12/2017 21:22

Well, Knitted, maybe vwlphb’s Post will enlighten you:

A wedding is an occasion where you invite people you love to share your joy at a lifetime event that is important to you. It's your event, you pay for it. It's not a budgetary trade-off where you can get your guests to cover some of the party costs in exchange for not giving a gift that is entirely voluntary in the first place.

You do not invite someone to celebrate your life event and then ask them to pay you cash for hosting them. This is pretty basic manners.

Knittedbreasts · 06/12/2017 21:23

Not really fuck everyone, just we can't afford to pay. Also perhaps close family who couldn't afford to pay might be paid for by the couple as they are family. Just not every single guest. I can't believe people are insulted by the fact a couple can't afford to pay, be it a carvery or 3 course meal. I know it's traditional to do so but if a couple didn't offer to pay I would assume theu couldn't afford to do so. So would want to pay for myself. Because it's called being nice.

vwlphb · 06/12/2017 21:23

The very fact you are asking will show them you can't afford it, if you could afford to do so I am sure you would.

They could afford a house deposit (which many people can't), so I'm sure they could afford to save up for this too.

They just don't want to; they'd rather have the wedding right away and see if they can find some way for their guests to cover the cost of it. Hmm

Porpoises · 06/12/2017 21:23

I'm sorry, i can see your reasoning but i agree that this isn't very fair on your guests. For me a three course restaurant meal with drinks would be a rare treat, and if i were spending that i would carefully choose the restaurant to meet my tastes. I wouldn't want to have to pay for an expensive meal that i had no choice in.

But i think it's fine if, as a wedding gift, the couple ask for donations towards the wedding cost. That way people can give what they can afford.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2017 21:24

Ugh, how would you even handle it? Hand out Indiviidual bills on the day? Send them your bank details and ask for the money with the invites. RSVP and send me fifty quid otherwise you can’t come ? What if someone doesn’t pay? Will you ask them not to attend? Chase them for the cash?

Fifty people is not a small wedding by any manner of means.

Honestly it’s just so tacky.

Amaried · 06/12/2017 21:26

Another one telling you not to..
It comes across as you want a posh wedding But want everyone else to pay for it!

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2017 21:27

You do not invite someone to celebrate your life event and then ask them to pay you cash for hosting them. This is pretty basic manners

This.

HuskyMcClusky · 06/12/2017 21:27

I can't believe people are insulted by the fact a couple can't afford to pay

No. You’re not getting it.

They’re insulted by the couple asking them to pay.

Offer your guests a cup of tea and a piece of cake if that’s all you can afford, but don’t ask them to pay for their own refreshments.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/12/2017 21:27

One of my favourite wedding memories was a budget wedding where guests were asked to contribute by bringing an item for the buffet instead of gifts. The couple supplied soft drinks, wine and champagne for toasts.

They couldn't afford a fancy wedding but wanted to share the day with their friends. Friends were all entirely happy too.

Just make it clear that the food contribution is instead of a gift (although I think this model may work best if its done as a buffet as its nice to be able to take something to give, even if its for immediate consumption).

Knittedbreasts · 06/12/2017 21:29

I think it's only tacky if you could afford to pay but didn't want to. Otherwise it's just how it is. That's how I feel, I get that others wouldn't feel that way, whixh I am surprised by but I guess different strokes for different folks ! You could ask people and see how they feel about it

NoSquirrels · 06/12/2017 21:29

Either BEING married soon is most important, in which case you cut your cloth & compromise on the ideal wedding day

or GETTING married ‘properly’ is most important (it’s the only time/don’t want to compromise and regret it/always imagined XYZ), in which case save up and wait.

It really isn’t a case of “not being able to afford to get married” as anyone who can save less than £200 can afford a registry office wedding.

You can “not be able to afford the ideal day”, but that’s different- and also why it is unreasonable to ask guests to subsidise that. They’re not really your “guests” if you don’t “host” them...

Coconutspongexo · 06/12/2017 21:29

YABU go the registry office then if you want to do something just a nice meal with your very closest not 50 people.

StarWarsFanatic · 06/12/2017 21:30

If I were a guest at such a small wedding I wouldn't be offended as I would presumably be vaguely aware of the financial situation. However it really isn't the done thing so some people will be. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking people though and would look into having a buffet or something instead.

surreygirl1987 · 06/12/2017 21:31

Ouch. I usually stick up for the underdog... but on this occasion the masses have this right. You don’t need a sit down meal to get married. There are lots of things my dh and I would have liked at our wedding but we wanted to buy a house. So we didn’t have a 3 course flashy meal but had afternoon tea (worked out much cheaper) and then a bbq in the eve. Have you been a guest at any other weddings, and will you invite the bride/groom to yours? Whilst I would never compare costs, I would be a bit miffed if one of the guests I invited to my wedding expected me to fork out for theirs too! We cut our guest like to something we could afford. You could do that Or have a cheaper meal option. But please don’t ask guests to pay!!