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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 06/12/2017 21:05

vwlphb said it first, you're assuming everyone will buy you a gift, or give you money, equal to that of the cost of a meal. Of course you should'nt charge your guests! If my family and I all came, at even £30 a head, it would cost me £180 to eat a meal we hadn't chosen, in a place we hadn't chosen, on top on any other costs I'd have to pay out. I think its safe to say YABU.

Julie8008 · 06/12/2017 21:05

I think this is a great idea, much easier than having to get a probably waste of money wedding gift. I wish more people did it.

Glumglowworm · 06/12/2017 21:05

YABU

either have a smaller wedding, wait til you’ve saved more, or do a cheaper food option.

You can’t have 50 guests now with a three course meal because you can’t afford it.

wheresmyphone · 06/12/2017 21:05

YABU
Best weddings I have been to were not sit down meals.
Do what you can afford.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 21:05

Have also been to a number of cake and tea receptions. Those are great, too! They're generally just a few hours in the afternoon - wedding at 2, cake and tea and coffee in a hall after, done and dusted. Have also been to some where reception was in the back garden and house. Get creative or scale it back, go to Registry, immediate family only.

kaytee87 · 06/12/2017 21:06

Of course yabvu. If you can't afford it, don't invite them. Have something cheaper.

KitKat1985 · 06/12/2017 21:06

YABU. Instead of the restaurant idea book a function room at a pub and budget £200-300 for a really good buffet for everyone there and let everyone get their own drinks at the bar. I think in that circumstance everyone would be happy, as most people expect to buy their own drinks I think. But charging for food at a wedding would be seen as really rude, sorry.

MyDcAreMarvel · 06/12/2017 21:07

Yabu, like others have said have a buffet instead.

Killerfiller · 06/12/2017 21:08

Surely if you cannot afford a wedding you don't get married ?

LavenderDoll · 06/12/2017 21:08

Yabvvvvvvvvvu

Enidblyton1 · 06/12/2017 21:09

Do an afternoon tea reception instead. I went to an afternoon wedding a couple of years ago - ceremony at 2pm followed by tea, cake and prosecco. Speeches and jazz band. Everyone gone by 6pm. One of the best weddings I've ever been to.

SPARKS17 · 06/12/2017 21:10

If you decide to host an event (any event including weddings) then you should expect to pay for it. Host according to your budget.

Gifts of any kind should not be expected and certainly wont pay for the event.

YABU!

HuskyMcClusky · 06/12/2017 21:10

Please tell me this is a joke...

Knittedbreasts · 06/12/2017 21:11

I'm shocked at the replies on here. Not everyone is made of money, it's perfectly understandable if you are buying a house not to be able to provide everyone with a 3 course meal. I would be delighted to pay to attend a dinner post wedding of a good friend as I would rather pay than make them wait to get married. Honestly all this pay xxxx amount for one day is just silly. It will certainly let you know who your friends are if people refuse because God forbid you can't afford to pay for them. Those that can't afford it may decline and those thay refuse out of some out of date bullshit ideal will be doing you a favour, especially if they are offended at the idea. The very fact you are asking will show them you can't afford it, if you could afford to do so I am sure you would.

willothewisp17 · 06/12/2017 21:11

Shock very very very unreasonable!! why plan all this if you cannot afford it?

PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2017 21:12

I would be delighted to pay to attend a dinner post wedding of a good friend as I would rather pay than make them wait to get married.

The op doesn’t have to wait, just do something less expensive.

fuzzyduck1 · 06/12/2017 21:13

A friend of mine done that and I thought it was horrible. so yes you are being unreasonable.

If you can’t afford to take people for a meal don’t have one. Simply go to a pub after and buy everyone a drink or it on some finger food.

CluelessMummy · 06/12/2017 21:13

A three course meal is not compulsory - either look for a cheaper option or push back the wedding until you can save enough for it. You can't reasonably ask people to pay for their own meal. Weddings cost enough for guests as it is, what with outfits, transport, accomodation and gifts. If they are going to the expensive and effort of coming, the least you could do is buy them dinner!

expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 21:13

'Surely if you cannot afford a wedding you don't get married ?'

Of course you do! You don't need a wedding of 50 guests for a 3 course meal with drinks to get married. You either don't have so many guests or you find another way to host, as suggested, a house party, an afternoon tea, a bring and share.

ghostyslovesheets · 06/12/2017 21:14

50 guests at, say, £30 a head is not a huge amount - get married in 2019 and save up!

yes YABU

deadringer · 06/12/2017 21:14

Dear guest, please come and celebrate our special day with us. We have booked a lovely meal in a really nice restaurant. Hope you don't mind paying for it.Hmm

gamerchick · 06/12/2017 21:15

I'm shocked at the replies on here

There’s nothing wrong with the replies. There are ways to save money. A church costs more than a register office. A weekday is cheaper still than a weekend. Have a house party instead of a sit down meal. Find a free hire function room and do a buffet.

Weddings are just about the vows, the pissup after can take many forms.

SandAndSea · 06/12/2017 21:15

Please don't do it. It's awful.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 21:16

'Those that can't afford it may decline and those thay refuse out of some out of date bullshit ideal will be doing you a favour, especially if they are offended at the idea. '

Yeah, just fuck all your family who can't afford to pay for a 3-course meal and drinks - not everyone is a singleton and depending on where it is it could wind up costing a family over a hundred pounds, but hey, fuck 'em as long as you get what you want Hmm.

Rooooooood · 06/12/2017 21:16

I'd be totally ok with this. However it's clear a lot of people wouldn't be so I'd go for a village hall buffet type thing. You could ask people to bring booze instead of presents.