Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2017 21:31

I think it's only tacky if you could afford to pay but didn't want to. Otherwise it's just how it is.

They don’t HAVE to have the reception with 50 people at that restaurant. There will be cheaper options.

Coconutspongexo · 06/12/2017 21:32

Also like the idea of inviting people and asking them to bring food instead of a gift, I was invited to a wedding of someone who done this recently (couldn’t attend) but everyone has said it was lovely and nice and relaxed.

Brandbrandbrandy · 06/12/2017 21:34

Whatch our for this on the Wrightstuff on Monday. Just saying Wink

NC4now · 06/12/2017 21:34

Just do what you can afford. Either scale back your guest list, or choose a different venue and caterers. Maybe get married late in the day and have an informal evening bash with eg a hotpot supper or a bbq or buffet and a pay bar.
People don’t mind getting their own drinks in (though it’s nice to throw in a glass of fizz for the toast).
Asking them to pay for the whole meal is bad manners really.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/12/2017 21:35

You can’t ask guests to pay,it’s tacky and will appall guests
Cut down in guests,immediate family,small venue. Reign in costs

Lanaorana2 · 06/12/2017 21:35

So surprised that by 125 messages, no one once has mentioned that parents still usually pay for weddings, or at least contribute.

OP - well done for spending cash on the house, not the wedding. But don't charge your guests.

Do you want to be known forever as the pay-per-view bride?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/12/2017 21:36

No.not all parents pay.thats a bit antiquated

HunterHearstHelmsley · 06/12/2017 21:36

The only good thing about a wedding is the free food! 😂

In all seriousness, it's incredibly rude to ask for guests to pay for this sort of thing. If you can't afford it then don't do it. Don't be tacky.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2017 21:36

I think it's only tacky if you could afford to pay but didn't want to. Otherwise it's just how it is

How is it just how it is? You have a choice on your,Reception. A sit down three course meal with drinks for fifty people isn’t compulsory.Confused

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2017 21:38

So surprised that by 125 messages, no one once has mentioned that parents still usually pay for weddings, or at least contribute

That’s very old fashioned, the reason it’s not been mentioned is these are fully grown adults who I presume have their own salaries and don’t need mummy and daddy to pay for their wedding. Never mind the assumption you’re making about thr parents financial situation.

This isn’t the 1950s.

KarmaStar · 06/12/2017 21:39

Don't tell the bride?😊💜💜

Ruffian · 06/12/2017 21:39

Terrible idea.

IHATEPeppaPig · 06/12/2017 21:39

Errrr yes definitely!!!!

StefMay · 06/12/2017 21:40

It would not bother me, OP.
A cheap yellow item buffet where I buy something off a gift list versus a great meal out with my dear friends who have got married, and no angst over a gift?

Book me in for the meal!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/12/2017 21:40

My friends had a great wedding,at home in their garden,everyone brought signature dish
It was a great event,the buffet was personal as guests brought food
It was cost effective as they were saving,and recently had a baby

starzig · 06/12/2017 21:41

YABU but could you not do registry office then house party. If you are skint and just want the paper signed there is no real need for a 3 course meal and venue hire.

ferntwist · 06/12/2017 21:43

YABU. You just can’t do this as people will feel they can’t refuse and not come so you’re forcing them to shell out. Why not just have a small do with immediate family?

NataliaOsipova · 06/12/2017 21:43

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness.

Oh dear - I'm afraid I agree with your DF's parents! As others have said, you really can't invite people and then ask them to pay for their own food.

That said, one of the nicest, most memorable weddings I've ever been to was a village hall reception and buffet. Huge fun with just a stereo! Everyone mixed, everyone was dancing. Proper fun. Cold meat and tinned potatoes and salad, followed by (admittedly very delicious!) wedding cake. Top notch.

lonelymelissa · 06/12/2017 21:45

I think you will insult and offend many of your"guests". I actually went to a wedding like this, and although 20 years ago now people still talk about the "awful wedding where we had to pay for food". The fall out for this was horrendous for the bride and groom with family members and friends very upset about it.

It was my daughter's wedding recently. Done on a budget to what they could afford. They had no savings either but worked out how much they afford and then planned the wedding accordingly. Everyone was fed and watered...and happy.

AnotherWorry · 06/12/2017 21:45

I did exactly this 17 years ago. And no one thought it was crass or rude.

However, DH and I were very young and there were half as many guests as OP is proposing, only Parents, siblings and our vey best friends. And my parents bought the wine.

It was a lovely, relaxed informal day. No one went over board with outfits, no one bought gifts other than themselves. It was just a small celebration of two young people starting in out in life together.

To us getting married was more important than the day. Waiting to save up was never an option. We couldn't afford to feed people but understood our nearest and dearest would want to share our day.

People who are genuinely close to you both and genuinely love and care for you both will not see a problem with joining you for a nice lunch at their own cost.

AlmostChristmas · 06/12/2017 21:46

No way! That's taking the Biscuit to another level! Shock

I think it's reasonable to buy drinks at the bar but what you propose won't go down well, sorry.

FlyMaybe · 06/12/2017 21:47

YABVVVU, OP.

If they have to pay for their meal, they are not your guests.

Have the wedding you can afford.

peachgreen · 06/12/2017 21:47

Yes YABU. One of the (many) reasons we only had 25 guests! Don't invite more people than you can afford to feed - and if that's nobody, then don't have a wedding, just get married. That's the important bit. Smile

Jigglytuff · 06/12/2017 21:48

You can't afford the wedding you've planned. You know that saying 'cut your cloth to suit your means'? That's what it's on about.

falange · 06/12/2017 21:48

If getting married is the most important thing go and get married. Just the 2 of you and parents. Don't insult people by expecting them to pay to attend your wedding. YABU

Swipe left for the next trending thread