Constant meetings with the school

[ThisLittleKitty]

I feel like my sons school is constantly calling me about something. They seem to want constant meetings with me, I had one on Monday now another one tomorrow! Aibu in thinking this is excessive. They never say what it is on the phone and I feel like I'm constantly being dragged in with my baby and 3 year old. (As you can imagine meetings are diffcult with a baby and a 3 year old) this time they again won't say other than it's "about his behaviour" (this is primary school btw and no SN) how often would you expect to have meetings with the school? How much is too much?

If the meeting is during the day, that means teacher is actually leaving teaching to someone else(TA?) to have meeting with you. It does sound more serious than having to get called in after school for quick chat, tbh.
I would really consider going in without your other dcs. Can't you ask your friend/ neighbour for help looking after your children, so you can have proper chat without being disrupted?

Another meeting. So something else has happened. They can't know in advance when issues will crop up.
Start seeing opportunities to engage with the school as chances to solve problems and make your child happier and more likely to do well at school. Instead of inconveniences.

Fucking hell.

If a school think a child has a additional need, mental health condition or a condition which requires assessment that’s the sort of thing schools should be getting involved with there should be no doubt in the parents mind that they think this.

They should be clear.

It’s hard enough to get help when you know your child has an issue especially in primary which is where most of the accepted evidence will come from for almost all assessments done, because what routinely happens is you get fobbed off with ‘nah we see no indication of issues’ or ‘within the boundaries of normal’

Staff recieve training in having differcult conversations so what would be wrong with a simple “we are concerned these types of behaviour could be indicative of a deeper issue possibly a SEN”

But given no issues and additional meetings got called during reception class it’s not really likely to be the case.

And it’s not that unusual for 5yo’s to bite books given that’s the two front teeth wobble age

Why don’t you just go in and speak to the school? It’s crazy to think anyone else’s experience of being called in is going to shed any light on what the issues are for your child.

This is probably not helpful, but I used to eat paper- the corners off books. I don't even know why and I don't eat paper as an adult.

That said, it might be worth trying to have a chat with the teacher at a time they are not complaining about his behaviour, or at parents' evening and just try to get a sense of if they are worried about his behaviour as part of a wider issue, or whether they are just a school who is very proactive about calling parents in (some schools are IMO, often as part of a policy).

Not friends with any neighbours as I moved here nearly 2 years ago and none of them are not very friendly (mostly elderly keep themselves to themselves) friends live far so too short notice for them and sisters obviously working (I'm single so no partner to watch them either)

If he really doesn't have additional needs, then you need to treat the eating of paper and spitting as behavioural issues and give consequences. My DD2 doesn't eat paper but she loves scissors and cuts paper to pieces. Recently she cut her sister's nightdress so I had to buy a new one. I took it out of DD2's pocket money. That helped her understand that if she damages something it's her responsibility to replace it. It also signalled to DD1 that we weren't going to let DD2 off damaging her things.

So with school books, if your DS damages them by eating them, or books at home for that matter, he should face a consequence. If he's NT, without SEN, you need to bring him up accordingly, and then he will learn not to do it.

If it is additional needs, it's good that the school are taking it seriously. Our DD1 has Attachment Disorder, as well as needing glasses and hearing aids, and we've had to fight tooth and nail for help for her. So work with them.

They can't discuss it over the telephone, not confidential issues about your child.

"You'd be amazed how many parents refuse to answer the phone "

They are probably mumsnetters

"I was a sahm so didn't really see the need for nursery"

I was a SAHM and did see a need for nursery. DD was an only child and needed to socialise with other children (and prepare for school)

I don't care if others send their kids or not merely answering why I didn't. I think school starts young enough in this country and I liked being at home with my kids. That's not a dig at anyone. I have 4 kids so he isn't alone.
Also like I said son doesn't like school so as nursery isn't compulsory I didn't send him.

And it's not even after school or in the morning. I would literally have to drop them, come home, go back, come home, then go back in the afternoon to collect them and come home again.

That's tough luck really OP! I think if you have to go in to the school to talk about a problem DS has then perhaps you should be grateful they are trying to help him at least which is more than you are doing

It's hard enough to fit in all the parent initiated meetings without needlessly instigating them with parents ourselves! There must be something significant going on.

Personally, I think that all consistent bad behaviour is due to AN of some kind. They might not be educational needs or a disability or a condition but there is a reason behind the behaviour and it means the child needs an adjustment/plan. I think that a child's natural 'programme setting' is to please adults and get positive attention. All children get it wrong on occasions but, if their behaviour is consistently poor, then it is going to be down to one or a mix of the following:
diagnosable SEN/AN
poor mental health
difficulty with focus and attention (often due to sensory processing - whether linked to SN or not)
a need for attention (and not caring whether that is positive or negative attention)
social difficulties/abnormal social situation - caused by either school, friendships or home life
lack of clear boundaries
neglect and abuse
bullying

you can't be diagnosed with something that isn't there

Of course you can! Doctors aren't infallible - misdiagnoses are made all the time.

My niece was diagnosed with ME last year - she turned out to be coeliac! Completely erroneous diagnosis. And not uncommon.

you can't be diagnosed with something that isn't there

Of course you can!  Doctors aren't infallible - misdiagnoses are made all the time.

Of course doctors make errors (I should know!) but it's more likely they won't than will.

I agree with Manic on the educational side

OP I can still remember Paediatrician saying my son should be assessed for SEN because he saw in his practice, that kids who didn't like school usually had an underlying reason for not liking it. So I would recommend a thorough assessment. Could you talk with GP without your son present, and see what they say about this all?

No there's been several incidents with the school as to why my sister said it but I won't go into it.
So there is a patten of poor behaviour which could be due to:
A. A special educational need - which needs supporting so things can ve in place to support DC as they go through school
B. Misbehaving - in which case what are you doing yo support the school when your child's behaviour is bad enough to warrant multiple meetings

Also like I said son doesn't like school so as nursery isn't compulsory I didn't send him.
That makes no sense. He wouldn't have known that he didn't like school at the point where you decided he wasn't attending nursery.
I'm not saying you should have sent him to nursery but your entire approach seems off
OP.
Always in for meetings then 2 meetings which you've told us then always in for meetings but you don't want to go into (which is fine).
You've decided the teacher is picking on your child and your sister agrees
You're not interested in actually speaking to the school because it's not your problem, even if engaging with school could get ypur child support they might need.

Sounds very much like you don't like school and so all your decisions and actions are done out of your dislike for school.

Also like I said son doesn't like school so as nursery isn't compulsory I didn't send him.

That makes absolutely no sense at all..

How can he not like something when he's never been

This is a really sad thread.

thislittlekitty you are correct, nursery is not compulsory, the general consensus and pressure to send a dc to a nursery is ridiculous. He's not in or been in complete isolation, he has 3 other siblings, so 3 under school age would be same ratios as a childminder would have during the school day.

You've said ds is yr1, so whether you sent to nursery or not is irrelevant now, he's been in school for over a year.

I would be asking the school what they are trying to prevent or distract from this behaviour, if he's bored why is he bored, if it's when he's unsupervised why is he being left unsupervised, what is triggering these behaviours?

Does he display the behaviours at home? If he doesn't what is different at school that means he does there, if he does how do you manage them and does it work? Also how does the school manage it, could he be doing it for attention?

Does he eat paper at home? Eating non food items is called pica, can be an indicator or SN but more often can be an indicator of vitamin or mineral deficiency, so a good multi vitamin with iron could help if you don't already give him one.

The other incidents with the school don't relate to my son but like I said don't want to go into it.
I'm saying im glad I didn't send him as he doesn't like school (I think he finds it long and tiring more than anything else) the school said they don't think it's for attention.

I don't get how on earth you would have incidents at the school that aren't to do with your son.

OP, did your older children do these things? Use your own yardstick if you don’t like the schools. But I think you are letting your little boy down here.

No the others didnt. I don't mind the meetings just that 2 in one week is excessive. And that they don't tell me specifically what it's about so atleast I can be prepared.

You could look at it the other way. That had he gone to nursery they may have been able to identify more gently what worked and what didn't for him and build on that so he entered reception more ready to engage and learn. If he turns out to have any issues (assume you have done visual and hearing checks for starters) they may have picked them up sooner and avoided the point you are currently at.

I don't get how on earth you would have incidents at the school that aren't to do with your son. OP said earlier about the Jeramy Kyle style arguing of parents in the playground and teachers not getting involved. That is how there are incidents at the school that are nothing to do with OPs ds.