Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Mum to pay for her childs birthday party place

187 replies

Catbell82 · 06/12/2017 14:03

I sent invites out for DS birthday party a month ago. Now 3 days before the party one of the Mum's has sent me a message saying 'sorry something has come up. My DS can no longer come to your DS party. Hope he has a great time'.

I paid £15 per child for this party which is a lot of money for us especially in December. I've contacted the venue but they have said they can't issue a refund so close to the party date. We have no one else we could invite except for maybe another child from DS class but I don't think an invite 3 days before the party is acceptable.

I'm really annoyed and feel like messaging the Mum asking her to pay for her son's place!! I appreciate that she may have a genuine reason for cancelling but if it was me I would at least offer to pay for my DS especially when I know how expensive parties can be and at this short notice it's most likely that everything has already been paid for!! She knows the venue, has been there and knows you pay per child. I would never actually ask her to but I wish I could!! Angry

OP posts:
sarahemily88 · 07/12/2017 21:44

When I’ve had a child pull out late notice but enough time to invite someone else, I’ve said to the parent of the second tier child that they were originally invited but ask if they hadn’t received it or if I’d missed their accept/reject message. It sounds a bit silly now but at least the child/parent doesn’t feel like they were a second best :-S

CorbynsBumFlannel · 07/12/2017 22:19

I think if you're pulling out at such late notice then more of a reason than 'something's come up' would be polite. Be it a 'family emergency' or something if you don't want to give detail. I think it would be the blasé text that would annoy me the most.

footballmum · 07/12/2017 22:31

Had a similar issue at DS2's last party. It was one of those where you had to book a minimum number to take part in the activity and was quite pricey so I told DS he could only invite the minimum number. So DS spent a lot of time deciding who to invite. Invites went out and all accepted. All good. Until the day before the party and the mother of one of the invitees messages me to say her DS can't come as she'd forgotten about a sporting activity he was scheduled to take part in. I tried a few alternatives to fill the space but no joy. That "space" cost me £15 but it also meant that if we had known earlier DS2 could have invited another friend.

OP, YANBU to want to charge her. 3 days notice is not enough and it also makes it bloody obvious if you try and invite someone else that they were not an original invitee. Of course, you can't charge and it's one of those things you just have to suck up. Do what I did and don't respond to the message at all. Passive aggressive enough to communicate your displeasure without saying anything at all!

belgina · 07/12/2017 22:36

Wow, it wouldn’t even occur to me to be annoyed by this? Things happen. I would definitely be more annoyed at being asked to pay, than at actually having a no-show. As a veteran of 16 years worth of birthday parties, I do think you won’t really know the number until the day. Before that, it’s just an educated guess.

RhiWrites · 07/12/2017 22:45

This has actually happened.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-30876360

CeciliaBartolli · 07/12/2017 22:57

Hmm. I am sure I read one similar before. Maybe search through back posts for the answer...

FlashTheSloth · 07/12/2017 23:00

You can ask someone else.

We paid for a pay per head party this year for the first time. On the day I didn't receive a message from one mum saying her DD was ill. Was leaving school at 3.20 and DD said her friend wasn't in school. Frantically phoned the mum to discover child was ill, she had texted me - I got it just after this conversation with original time of that morning. At £22 per head I did not want to lose that, I asked DD who she wanted, saw child's mother leaving the gate, ran after them and invited them, party was an hour later. They came. 3 days is fine.

Lifechallenges · 07/12/2017 23:13

Invite another child and just be honest that you have a free space or invite a sibling

Originalfoogirl · 07/12/2017 23:22

Meh, you say spineless, I say polite / manners.

Bad manners is not RSVPing but still turning up. Bad manners is RSVPing but not turning up. It is not bad manners to have to cancel at 3 days notice, giving plenty time to fill the space. How are you not getting that the OP is no worse off than before? So there is one less child at the party so what?

When does your spine kick in? 20 per head? 30? 50? Do you frequently pay for things you don’t use, because “manners”

If the OP wanted a notice period or cancellation charge, she should have put it on the invite.

Applesandpairsonthestairs · 07/12/2017 23:33

Ahh OP! You can't ask this! Emergencies happen! At least the mum has let you know, and with 3 days notice! It's not like they didn't show up or cancelled that morning! (Both of which also often happen at parties, and often fir good reasons too!!) perhaps it's a bereavement, or something really important. She probably didn't thinkbto offer to pay. If there's an emergency, her mind will b elsewhere!

I've been known to say 'something's come up' when I don't want to say what the reason is (mayb a death I really don't want to talk about, or an incident I'd rather not discuss) and when I'm in a hurry or mind us elsewhere but want to let the person know I'm not coming to x, or y.

Jakeyboy1 · 07/12/2017 23:39

Did everyone miss where she said she would never actually ask?!
YANBU I know how it feels and it's bloody annoying! I had several drop out of my daughters birthday this year due to the local
little Kickers class changing time the week before - brilliant! I drafted in replacements and chalked it up to experience whilst keeping a mental note of who to not invite if I can help it again ;)

simiisme · 07/12/2017 23:53

Asking a sibling of one of the kids who is coming would be a good move. The parents would probably really appreciate it.
YABU to ask for the money from the Mum who let you down, even though it is a PITA. Just don't invite that kid next time.

manicmij · 08/12/2017 01:17

You say £15 is a lot for you. Why on earth did you do it then? YABU to expect payment from party guest (non). Sure there would be some child willing to step in to place at last minute if you are so miffed at empty place.

streetlife70s · 08/12/2017 04:22

Jesus calm down original! Are you always so angry when someone holds a different opinion?

I’m not spineless I just think it’s fucking rude to say ‘something’s come up’ knowing someone has forked out for your child’s place. I’d personally give a better explanation than that or offer payment because in my view, she may not have ever paid that money in the first place had I not accepted and may have simply invited less people.

What is it about that YOUR not getting?

You can untwist your knickers now.

Abbylee · 08/12/2017 04:40

Look at it from a different perspective; i paid for all of the little girls in my daughter's class for a paint/pottery birthday party so nobody would feel hurt. At some point during the party a little girl told me, "my mother said i should come bc it's good experience for me." I would have preferred NOT to have her at dd's party. I would have happily paid for her to stay home. Try to let go of the negative and enjoy your child's happy day. Use the extra place for dd sibling or sibling's friend? Ds and a friend?

caringcarer · 08/12/2017 05:28

You could ask unpopular kid with 3 days notice and if they don't get many invites they will probably be pleased to come and won't care it is short notice. We had 2 late spaces and invited a kid who was not popular and his Mom was pleased and told us it was only party he had been invited to all years. He was no trouble and we invited next year too.

bimbobaggins · 08/12/2017 07:03

Wow caring don’t you sound a treat

Lweji · 08/12/2017 07:10

I just think it’s fucking rude to say ‘something’s come up’ knowing someone has forked out for your child’s place.

It could be all sorts of important private things.

I just wouldn't choose a pre-paid activity that I couldn't afford. There's always the risk that one of more kids don't show up for all sorts of reasons.

Lweji · 08/12/2017 07:13

What is it about that YOUR not getting?

If you're going to be shouty and aggressive, it helps if your sentence is not spoiled by bad grammar. Grin

curryforbreakfast · 08/12/2017 09:03

I just think it’s fucking rude to say ‘something’s come up’ knowing someone has forked out for your child’s place

Things do come up. Your PFB's party is not the most important thing in the world.

People who think like that should not have parties at all.

streetlife70s · 08/12/2017 09:27

Lweji schoolgirl error in early hours defending myself against similarly shouty and aggressive person.

My bad. # YOU’RE #

bsbabas · 08/12/2017 09:36

The child probably has a drs or dentist appointment and she didn't ask you to spend that money you invited her child.

streetlife70s · 08/12/2017 09:40

OP perhaps I’m confused about the set up by some of the responses so can you clarify?

Is it a party where you send the invites, wait for reply’s letting you know numbers then book accordingly or,

Book for a certain amount of people and pay upfront and you have to pay that amount regardless of who takes up the invite?

lonelymelissa · 08/12/2017 09:53

In my experience (four now adult children and numerous foster children) I don't think I have EVER known a child's birthday party where at least one or more children had to cancel their attendance at a birthday party. Things crop up, children get ill, numerous reasons. What is quite unusual is that the mum was actually kind enough to let you know beforehand. I would thank her for telling you and offer the place to another child or sibling of a child. You haven't lost money because you would be paying whether the child turned up or not.

insancerre · 08/12/2017 09:55

Yabu
You sent the invite out, she didn't ask you to invite her child