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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why women

184 replies

TenForward82 · 06/12/2017 09:43

... have to remember their work tasks, daily activities, where the kids have to be and when, what groceries need buying and what shops to get them from ...

... But a man can't even remember his fucking wallet, meaning a sick mum who has been up early has to drag herself and her toddler out to the car to drop it off for him?

/Rant

OP posts:
mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 06/12/2017 09:46

And when they do housework they expect a thank you.

Ifailed · 06/12/2017 09:48

some men do this, usually because the women in their life let them get away with it. Look upon it akin to training a new puppy.

BastardGoDarkly · 06/12/2017 09:48

Its not all women, or all men.

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 09:49

Some women; Some men

In the real world, some of us play to our strengths and do what we're good at, by dint of luck picking a partner who is good at the stuff we're not.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 06/12/2017 09:51

He's great at loads of stuff I'm not. I'm letting off steam about this particular issue because I want to. And spare me the #notallmen crap, ta.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 06/12/2017 09:52

But a man can't even remember his fucking wallet, meaning a sick mum who has been up early has to drag herself and her toddler out to the car to drop it off for him?

Why would he remember his wallet? He doesn’t have to? He has a woman to remember his important things. If only there was a way she could teach him to remember it himself, like if he learned consequences or something...

SunnyCoco · 06/12/2017 09:53

Yeh , no way would I have taken it to him

CaretakerToNuns · 06/12/2017 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Domani · 06/12/2017 09:56

My dh used to say "I've done the washing up for you". I just kept repeating "my washing up? Don't you live here any more then?" He soon stopped saying itGrin Know what you mean though OP, bloody annoying! YANBU. Hope you feel better soon Flowers

LizzieSiddal · 06/12/2017 09:57

You are being very unreasonable. (But sorry you’re ill)

Unless his life depends on it, why are you taking it to him? Unless he’s a child whose forgotten his homework and will get detention?

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2017 09:57

And spare me the #notallmen crap, ta.

I get that you're letting off steam, but given how stereotypical and sexist your post is, you really should expect people to point it out.

MarshaBradyo · 06/12/2017 09:58

Nope he could last without his wallet couldn’t he

AmySueGina · 06/12/2017 09:59

here's a great article about this

I've absolved myself from all emotional labour and wife work. DH is wonderful but he was brought up in a very misogynistic household where his mum did everything for his dad, him and his brother. He came to our relationship being pretty useless as "life shit" whereas I, as a woman brought up in a similarly misogynistic household, was very good at this stuff.

After a couple of years, I absolved myself of all responsibility for him.

For example- I don't have his family's birthdays in my diary, I don't buy cards for them, I don't keep a track of his stuff, I don't know when his jeans need washing, I don't know when he last changed his towel.

I don't mind doing stuff for him if he specifically asks me and then thanks me. So I do end up writing and posting his families cards because his writing is terrible and I pass a postbox on my way to work. I don't mind that because it doesn't take my initiative to manage his responsibilities, I'm just doing a simple task he's asked me to do.

LizzieSiddal · 06/12/2017 09:59

Care you need to mix in better circles. Not all men behave like this and it’s a shame you haven’t met a few.

CappuccinoCake · 06/12/2017 10:00

We're the other way in this house. I've always struggled with remembering where anything is. It's been such a problem I think it's hardwired. I have to compensate for it but I often end ip asking my husband where my wallet...keys etc are

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2017 10:00

All men do it, each and every one of them.

Oh dear god...

All black people eat chicken

All vegans announce their veganism when they meet a stranger

All Irish and Scottish people drink too much

All old people are moany and miserable

Any more crap anyone wants to trot out while we're here? Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2017 10:00

Yeh , no way would I have taken it to him

Me neither. Is he a grown up man or another child you're always running around after?

Too late now, but next time he does it DON'T go running to fix it for him or HE'LL KEEP BLOODY DOING IT.

Hope you feel better soon.

AmySueGina · 06/12/2017 10:01

Even if not all men do this, all men benefit from the patriarchal misogynistic culture in which men aren't expected to do this sort of stuff.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2017 10:01

And what Worra said. Sorry. I didn't marry a useless manchild and I don't have to spend my life making up for his failings as a result.

TheFaerieQueene · 06/12/2017 10:01

Of course not all men are like this and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous and speaks volumes.

My DH is not like this at all.

Anatidae · 06/12/2017 10:03

I call this strategic incompetence - it’s a predominantly male trait, caused by socialisation and facilitation.

They don’t have to do shit, because their army of mums/wives do it for them and if they do have to do the shit they do it badly so you get annoyed and tell them they don’t have to do the shit again.

The only cure is allowing them to feel the consequences of them not doing the shit, by stopping doing the shit for them and letting things fall apart.

Oh and smashing the patriarchal societal structure that means women shoulder the entire emotional load for families.

There is a very good thread in feminism right now about facilitated men.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2017 10:05

I think the people who insist all men are like this, are trying to convince themselves.

It's easier than admitting they're enabling the very behavior they dislike.

Make some changes, break the habit but don't convince yourself that everyone else is in the same boat with their husbands/partners.

Peanutbuttercheese · 06/12/2017 10:05

I'm assuming this has happened to you.

If it's a one off fine, if not then just stop doing it. You run around after him because you choose to. If I was partnered up with someone like that who did it constantly I just wouldn't do it. If they made a fuss I would tell them to do one and that I wasn't their personal assistant.

LizzieSiddal · 06/12/2017 10:10

I will admit when we married (27 years ago) my DH was like this, for about a week Grin

One fine example was when he wondered why he didn’t have any boxing shorts left. Well DH that’s because the “picking up off the floor, off other peoples’ underwear” fairy, is still at your parents house. If you want her services go and live back there. Grin

If I’d started moving his underwear I’d still be moving it and moaning about it now!

ginorwine · 06/12/2017 10:10

I know what u mean
I've been asked if we need milk when he is nearer the fridge than me
For some reason it makes my blood boil .
Then when I say why don't you check
He says I was only checking .. hurt expression.. i case you knew ....