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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why women

184 replies

TenForward82 · 06/12/2017 09:43

... have to remember their work tasks, daily activities, where the kids have to be and when, what groceries need buying and what shops to get them from ...

... But a man can't even remember his fucking wallet, meaning a sick mum who has been up early has to drag herself and her toddler out to the car to drop it off for him?

/Rant

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 06/12/2017 10:49

@Anatidae
I call this strategic incompetence - it’s a predominantly male trait, caused by socialisation and facilitation.

I've heard it called "strategic incompetence" before as well and it perfectly describes the issue. "Oh, I don't know how to do that so I won't bother with it." I've called my other half on it as well in regards to putting dishes away in the proper cupboard, etc. I don't want to spend my life closing cupboard doors or rearranging the shoes because you CBA to do it correctly.

mollyblack · 06/12/2017 10:51

The concept that we should “train” our husbands is wrong on so many levels.

AutumnMadness · 06/12/2017 10:54

The 'not all men' trope is bullshit. It's exactly of the 'I am all right, Jack' and 'not my Nigel' variety. Yes, of course there are men out there that carry their share of the mental and physical load of running a household and family, but shouting this every single time when somebody mentions the massive overall gender inequality that exists in society is just daft.

What do you want, a medal, for marrying well? You are such good girls for making all the right choices, for picking the right kind of men, for training them oh so well like well behaved puppies, for having the right kind of man-training skills, for being so strong an 'not putting up with it'. Well done!

Never mind the patriarchy, the structural gender inequalities, the material and mental circumstances that make it impossible for many women to 'not put up with it'. Never mind that many women do not wish to be saddled with the prize responsibility of training their men like dogs. Never mind the culture of sexism that we all live in. Never mind the society, we are all individuals, right? Everything depends only on the individual, everything is an individual's responsibility. The society has nothing to do with our lives, it might as well not be there at all.

mrsmuddlepies · 06/12/2017 10:54

Why is this in AIBU? If you want a rant, put your post in Chat, then you would not have to be faced with posters telling you that you are being unreasonable in answer to your post and making you even more angry.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 06/12/2017 10:54

I don't think my DH has ever forgotten his wallet. It'd be like him going out without trousers.
I now feel guilty for forgetting my wallet/phone lots of times though.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 06/12/2017 10:55

I don't do "wifely" stuff like writing Xmas cards to my DH's family and friends. Never have. I buy the odd thing I think his mum might like for birthday/present but he's done that for my mum, too.

However, emptying the bins and putting the bins out are his job.

I do the grocery shop online, if we need it doing in person he goes because he doesn't find it as stressful as I do.

And if he forgot his wallet, I think he has an emergency £5 in his desk drawer so he can get himself a sandwich if needsbe (though he makes a sandwich to take to work, and if I need one, he makes me one too).

All that said, if it had been left to him, our ds would not have had a single birthday present last month.

LemonShark · 06/12/2017 10:56

molly "The concept that we should “train” our husbands is wrong on so many levels."

And the concept that 'we set our own boundaries/expectations in all of our relationships and insist they be adhered to or choose to either accept it or walk away' is crucial to healthy interpersonal relationships and self esteem.

claraschu · 06/12/2017 10:56

I hate it when people say men are like this because women let them get away with it. It is not women's job to train men not to be entitled idiots.

RedForFilth · 06/12/2017 10:56

How come you're the one up with the poorly toddler?
Yes men should be responsible for their own actions. But I would never choose to stay in a relationship with a useless one!

LemonShark · 06/12/2017 10:58

No Clara, you're completely right. But if you know someone is useless, decide not to implement your own expectations/boundaries/consequences and accept it while doing all sorts to work around their uselessness, your complaining might provide a brief moment of relief but it's not going to actually change your circumstances.

JaneEyre70 · 06/12/2017 10:58

My DH loses keys on a daily basis. They aren't always his bloody keys either, he's indiscriminate in whose he chooses. He needed the keys to his storeroom at work the other day that he'd left at home, so he did the 30 mile round trip to get them! I'm getting him a chain to hang them round his neck for Christmas. Drives me fecking insane. And of course I'm perfect and never lose anything my phone on a daily basis Grin

Bummybum · 06/12/2017 10:59

Dh loses his wallet or keys at least once a week. And stumps around accusing me and ds of doing it in a passive aggressive manner.

AngryAngryAngry

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2017 10:59

Stop throwing the blame back to women on "enabling" bad behaviour.

Then stop insulting all the women who don't enable bad behaviour in the men they live with and the sons they raise.

LemonShark · 06/12/2017 11:02

I do find in discussions like this people get a bit mixed up between the fact that we are all able to set and insist upon our own boundaries and needs being respected, and the social issues around gender and sexism we're all well aware of. I don't think expecting your partner to pull their weight is 'training your husband' (how patronising, they're grown humans not dogs). It'd be the exact same in a business relationship, such as a job share where your counterpart isn't doing what they're supposed to and gore having to run yourself ragged overcompensating. It'd be the same in a friendship where one of you is always the only one putting in any effort to meet or stay in touch. Or a relative who takes takes takes and never gives anything back.

Social dynamics play into it when we're talking about men and women, unavoidably. But that doesn't mean you have to throw out any notion of expecting better for your relationship.

Sallystyle · 06/12/2017 11:04

So much anger on this board towards women who dare complain about men too
A lot of internalised misogyny as well.

Rubbish. Why on earth would I or anyone else care if people complain about men?

What does bother me is women enabling this shit and men getting away with it. There are too many men like this and women deserve better.

Men should not do this shit in the first place, some men are happy to let women do all the 'wife work' and they are arses. However, if you find yourself in that situation you have two choices. You put up with it and moan or you do something about it. I don't see how that is
misogynistic. I do not hate women, I want better for them.

THats the problem - the way society is set up to allow men to be totally not invonveniced by having children, while women are expected to run around, hold down a job AND do all the mental load.

Yep. But we don't have to allow that to happen in our marriages.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2017 11:05

Got toddler ready, got myself ready, asked DH to check her socks, get her shoes and coat on. Checks her socks, ignores all other instructions. So I do that too while he eats and biscuit and wanders around.

Jesus wept, OP

Why did you do it?

If you don't start making the changes you want to see, they'll never happen because your pampered partner sure as hell won't make them.

CeciliaBartolli · 06/12/2017 11:06

I don't think is necessarily true... my brother does everything while his wife cannot make a cuppa without burning the water. Fortunately ( or unfortunately) he think this is fine.

Trinity66 · 06/12/2017 11:08

for training them oh so well like well behaved puppies, for having the right kind of man-training skills,

ffs, you really believe that every man can only do stuff if he's trained like a dog and anyone who disagrees with you is a misogynist? umm ok

AutumnMadness · 06/12/2017 11:09

LemonShark, nobody is saying that we should not expect better from our relationships (otherwise why complain here?). It's the notion that it is completely within out power to make it all better that I find crazy. Not all women, in our sexist society, have the financial, social and mental resources to just ditch the relationships that are not 100% satisfactory. Wifework is also just one aspect of a relationship. Other aspects might be working out just fine. Should we be breaking up our families because one part is not working? These simplistic assumptions of how lives and families work are not helpful or productive.

AutumnMadness · 06/12/2017 11:10

Trinity66, I have no idea what you are on about. I think you might have misread my post.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2017 11:11

This thread is getting weirder and weirder. Puppy training? Man training skills? Confused

How about just refusing to mother a grown man?

That doesn't take any 'training' at all.

AutumnMadness · 06/12/2017 11:12

WorraLiberty, well done for not being an 'enabler'! I am sure that if we all just try harder, we can all be like you.

Trinity66 · 06/12/2017 11:14

AutumnMadness

No I don't think I did, I found your post really condescending towards anyone who disagreed with the massive generalistion against men/husbands in this thread is all

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 06/12/2017 11:15

Part of the answer has to be teaching our sons and daughters differently? I have known plenty of "strategically incompetent" men, but I am determined my sons won't grow up to be them. (I was rather pleased recently the few times ds1 actually noticed the sinkful of dirty dishes and washed them rather than waiting to be asked). I'd be mortified if in 10 or 20 years time my future dil was writing an op like this.

LinoVentura · 06/12/2017 11:15

All vegans announce their veganism when they meet a stranger

To be fair, that one is true.