Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why women

184 replies

TenForward82 · 06/12/2017 09:43

... have to remember their work tasks, daily activities, where the kids have to be and when, what groceries need buying and what shops to get them from ...

... But a man can't even remember his fucking wallet, meaning a sick mum who has been up early has to drag herself and her toddler out to the car to drop it off for him?

/Rant

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 10:12

Oh if you just wanted patting on the head and validation for your sexist post OP, you should have said. I would have swerved the thread.

MrsU88 · 06/12/2017 10:13

We write all dates on a calendar now....that way if dh forgets something he is supposed to do then its own fault and I won't be held accountable.

As for leaving his wallet.....yup my dh did it once. Got half way to town with me and dc in car (were in a small villiage so its quite a drive) and he asked if I had picked his wallet up.... Nope....so he had to drive us all back to get it.

him: "why didn't you pick it up?"
Me: why would I pick up YOUR wallet? I only got myself and the children up, fed, washed, dressed, got nappy bag sorted, got my bag sorted, fed the dog and cat, you literally sat and ate breakfast and got yourself dressed"
him: well you normally pick it up.
me: ok next week You can get the children ready and feed the pets and I will pick up your wallet.

he hasn't forgotten his wallet since!!

ForagingForFaerieGold · 06/12/2017 10:14

Haha. No not ALL men. 1000's of single men appear to run their own lives perfectly adequately. And yes, even some attached Men. But a great many men do seem to mysteriously lose this ability the minute they get their feet under the table.

I wonder if its partly women's fault. Maybe we are just socialised to take over the "housework" and men just let us because it's easier for them. I think most women (Not me lol) do this. My mother certainly does. And I hear about this all the time.

OP ever heard the phrase "rod - own back?' Next time let him get it himself, he won't implode I promise.

Sallystyle · 06/12/2017 10:16

All men do it, each and every one of them.

No sorry, not true in my house.

A whole heap of men? Yes.

Saying all men do it just kind of excuses it. Makes women feel slightly better about the fact they married a man who is that way, because you know, they are all the same!

I haven't done the shopping in a long time, he does it all. He also knows when the children needs picking up and where they are and he does the majority of this due to my work shifts.

I wouldn't have it any other way though. It is a big problem for many women and they need to stop enabling that shit. NWIH would I be dropping off his wallet he forgot if I am unwell and he wouldn't expect me to.

I do know many men like this who are enabled by their wives but equally I know many men who aren't like it.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2017 10:19

Saying all men do it just kind of excuses it. Makes women feel slightly better about the fact they married a man who is that way, because you know, they are all the same!

Exactly and it also means there's no point in them putting in the effort to stop facilitating the behavior, they've become so used to.

It's a bit like putting off a diet because 'well, everyone's fat nowadays aren't they'?

Original poster
TenForward82 · 06/12/2017 10:20

Sigh.

This board.

  • Obviously not all men do this. But a lot of them do.
  • It's a one-off. I'm annoyed because of being up with the toddler and ill and don't feel disturbing me was the considerate option.
  • DH is generally great but frustrates me at times. All of you with your perfect husbands never rant about them to other people? Ever?
  • Stop throwing the blame back to women on "enabling" bad behaviour.
OP posts:
SlothMama · 06/12/2017 10:20

If my partner forgets his wallet then it's tough shit I'm afraid, no lunch for him. But he does have apple pay now so it's not an issue anymore Grin

maddiemookins16mum · 06/12/2017 10:22

Mine certainly doesn't and never has, there is such a feeling of barely disguised hate towards some men on MN.

LemonShark · 06/12/2017 10:23

Mate, you need to raise your standards if you're accepting/enabling this shit. Not all men act like this. The ones that do must get away with it to continue doing it! Demand better for yourself.

If this is a complete one off and you just want to vent about an otherwise fab husband you should make that clear in your OP.

BackBoiler · 06/12/2017 10:24

I have had to drop DH wallet or phone off at work for him but its usually when we might have had a rough night with the kids or he is ill.

Pretty much like when i lose my bank card in the house again and he has to leave me his bank card so i can get to work etc

People do forget stuff sometimes. If you take it him do it to be nice.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 06/12/2017 10:25

@MrsU88 Yes, we had this last weekend. Got toddler ready, got myself ready, asked DH to check her socks, get her shoes and coat on. Checks her socks, ignores all other instructions. So I do that too while he eats and biscuit and wanders around. Then when challenged he's all butthurt because WHO GOT THE PRAM OUT AND PUT IT TOGETHER??? (eg, unfolded it). Yeah, and I did everything else, FFS!

OP posts:
Original poster
TenForward82 · 06/12/2017 10:26

So much anger on this board towards women who dare complain about men too
A lot of internalised misogyny as well.

OP posts:
Ifailed · 06/12/2017 10:26

Stop throwing the blame back to women on "enabling" bad behaviour.

I can't see anyone blaming women. Some have pointed out that this behaviour has been socialised into some women and men, so the women expect to take on the role, and the men expect them to do so. The way to break it is for both partners to change their behaviour.

saladdays66 · 06/12/2017 10:28

Buy him Wifework for Christmas.

www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729?tag=mumsnetforum-21

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 10:31

Oh behave OP. You want to run your husband down online, I don't want to do that to mine. I don't care what you do in your marriage, just kindly stop the pathetic generalising in an attempt to make yourself feel better about it.

Lancelottie · 06/12/2017 10:32

It does tend to end up with both parties feeling legitimately aggrieved.

DH tends to think 'Hey, I'm already doing more [child stuff, house stuff, shopping] than most of the Neanderthals in the office. Why isn't Lance more grateful?'

I tend to think, 'Why do you think I should do more [child stuff, house stuff, shopping] than the other adult in the house? And why aren't you more grateful that I do it?'

TBF, the answer could be 'Because I get more time between projects to piss about on Mumsnet.' Oops.

nibora · 06/12/2017 10:33

All men do it, each and every one of them.

I took that to be sarcasm.

cordeliavorkosigan · 06/12/2017 10:34

Totally true we shouldn't blame women for "enabling" - why do we have so much trouble challenging men's behaviour? Even when we're trying to challenge it, somehow we are at fault for "enabling"! (that said - yes yes yes to just not doing these things when a partner claims they can't, and equally, we are capable of many things traditionally left to men, like changing light bulbs, taking the car in, drilling things, and sitting on the sofa drinking beer Grin)

Anatidae · 06/12/2017 10:35

Its layers and layers of deeply socialised behaviour - there’s no point bashing women for enabling it. You need to engage with what you can and work with the rest.

  1. You accept (and rage against and try to raise your own kids to be better) that society enables men. Where are the armies of women with a househusband who does everything? With secretaries? Women who just need to get up md dressed and out in the morning while the husband gets the kids sorted, does the school run, sacrifices his own career, does the housework, remembers his MILs birthday and buys flowers then gets the kids home, cooks tea and has it ready when he wife comes home? Where are they? They exist I’m sure, but not in ANYTHING alike the numbers the other way around.
Why is that? It’s because men get enabled and society allows and encourages it. Society is set up so that the men with the facilitators get to the top. Because they don’t need to leave at 5:30 to get the kids in bed, and they can travel at a days notice to that meeting in Raleigh. Because they are enabled.

So that’s society. There’s a limited amount you can do about that.

Then there’s your home. You CAN do stuff about that. You can strive for more equality there.

LemonShark · 06/12/2017 10:36

What on earth is misogynistic about any of the posts on this thread?

It's not a hatred or prejudice against women to suggest that you demand better from someone who's not pulling their weight. I'd say the same re a same sex partnership or to a man saying the sort of things you are about his female partner.

It's coming across like you just wanted a lighthearted vent about a one off annoyance in an otherwise good relationship, is that right? And now you're upset because people, not realising that, are taking your post seriously and expressing that you should expect better as not all men are dicks. Raising your expectations of what a partner does in the relationship when they're slacking off and demanding an equal partnership is the exact opposite of misogyny! Don't you realise it's way more misogynistic to just tut, say 'urgh MEN' or 'boys will be boys!' and keep carrying the load as if that's our destiny as women? Wtf.

Like I said before, make your OP more clear this is a one off annoyance and you're just venting if you're gonna get your knickers in a twist when people respond as if you do actually have a problem in your relationship 👍🏻

PigPigDogDog · 06/12/2017 10:38

Ten You say it's a one off but then go on to say how useless he was at getting your daughter ready too.

I think the people who insist all men are like this, are trying to convince themselves .It's easier than admitting they're enabling the very behavior they dislike. Make some changes, break the habit but don't convince yourself that everyone else is in the same boat with their husbands

Agree.

Anatidae · 06/12/2017 10:40

Of course not all men are dicks. I’m married to a good one and I’m raising another. There are loads of great men out there. Tons.

That’s not really the issue. Because even though we are equal IN the home we have found that the way society/employers treat us as parents is different.

DH gets fawned over for being a ‘modern’ man, promoted, and told his wife is SO LUCKY to have him. I get my reporting chain removed the day after I tell them I’m pregnant and endless fucking grumbling about ‘why can’t you get someone else to take him’ even though we parent equally and share pickups, drop offs and days off for illness.

THats the problem - the way society is set up to allow men to be totally not invonveniced by having children, while women are expected to run around, hold down a job AND do all the mental load.

Trinity66 · 06/12/2017 10:41

Bit of a generalisation there tbf, I usually have to remember all the kids stuff but my DH does all the grocery shopping

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2017 10:44

So much anger on this board towards women who dare complain about men too
A lot of internalised misogyny as well

Really? I haven't seen any.

By all means complain about your useless man-child, that's a totally valid rant. As is pointing out not all men do this.

Stop enabling him to use you for wife work OP.

MammaTJ · 06/12/2017 10:48

My DP does not do this. He is usually the one more on top of what is going on than I am.

Swipe left for the next trending thread