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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why women

184 replies

TenForward82 · 06/12/2017 09:43

... have to remember their work tasks, daily activities, where the kids have to be and when, what groceries need buying and what shops to get them from ...

... But a man can't even remember his fucking wallet, meaning a sick mum who has been up early has to drag herself and her toddler out to the car to drop it off for him?

/Rant

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 06/12/2017 11:57

It's the denial of broader social problems

I don't think anyone has denied that at all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 11:58

What a pompous load of tripe that was, Autumn. Do you speak to everybody like that... or just women?

ArcheryAnnie · 06/12/2017 11:59

Has anyone posted this brilliant comic yet, about the "mental load" that women are so often expected to do?

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

AnachronisticCorpse · 06/12/2017 12:00

It’s interesting how on these threads it’s always up to the women. The mothers who raised the men and the wives who enable them.

It’s all a bit Inception, innit.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 06/12/2017 12:00

There a difference between expecting equality in a relationship and expecting everyone to be perfect or, at least, to be equally good at everything. And I do not see the need to punish people / refuse to help out when someone makes a mistake.

Dh and I are good at different things. The 'boring' stuff is split roughly 50/50 but doesn't it just make more sense if people do the stuff they are good at? I'm great at all the stuff ds needs, shopping and cooking. I am terrible at ironing, cleaning, putting the bins out and remembering having enough money to pay the bills. Why would we make each other miserable by insisting that those tasks we can do quickly and easily are split 50/50?

I have actually managed to commute all the way into London to work twice without my wallet and dh has taken 40 minutes out of a busy day to come to my work and give me some money so I can buy lunch. Was he enabling me? NO, NO, NO!! He is a kind husband helping out his wife who is slightly scatty on some things, but not on others. And I would do the same for him.

I believe that dh and I are equal partners - we both work and we both do stuff at home - but I think that there is still room for people to just be kind to each other.

BTW, sorry you're sick OP and hope you feel better soon.

Mooncuplanding · 06/12/2017 12:00

I've yet to come across a household where the man takes on the emotional and shit labour to the extent that women do every day. And I am old.

I do meet women who claim that 'their man' is amazing and does 'his share'. Usually while they are simultaneously sacrificing their own career ("teamwork"), are worried about going out to do hobbies / see friends because they don't want to "take the piss" and helping the kids do their homework while talking to you.

Denial is a thing

AutumnMadness · 06/12/2017 12:01

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, to everybody.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2017 12:03

You should meet more men Mooncuplanding. My evidence is as anecdotal as yours, and I'm not old, but maybe that's the point, maybe there's a generational shift. I know stay at home dads, men who do all the social admin, men who are the only cook in the home, men who supervise all homework and childcare. Real partnerships.

Trinity66 · 06/12/2017 12:06

Mooncuplanding

So women who say their DHs pull their weight in the house are all liars now. Bloody hell lol

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 12:07

Good to know, Autumn. I don't much like being told to 'check my privilege' when it means that I have to support women touting sexist clichés. Everybody needs a rant sometimes and I get that. If OP would have couched her first post like that instead of as an 'invitation to slate', I would have sympathised.

AutumnMadness · 06/12/2017 12:13

Trinity66, I am 100% sure that there are totally equal heterosexual relationships out there. However, the fact that perceived equality does not always mean actual equality is also a fairly well-documented fact. Just as abused women at times (or perhaps often) would not say that they are abused, women in unequal relationships do not see inequality. Because admitting inequality is admitting that you have a problem in your life. And not everyone wants or has the resources to deal with problems. Here is a typical study: onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2008.00556.x/full

Mooncuplanding · 06/12/2017 12:14

Not liars - in denial

The social roles and expectations are so ingrained in us we often don't even see it

Are you saying wifework doesn't exist?

LagunaBubbles · 06/12/2017 12:19

Of course some women enable some mens behaviour by running around after them, organising everything etc.....thats the very definition of enabling.

Trinity66 · 06/12/2017 12:21

Are you saying wifework doesn't exist?

Of course lots of people fall into those roles, I'm not an idiot. But I'm just saying not everyone has relationships like that, some people work as a team, things are changing for the better which is great imo, yes there is still a way to go in general, but people are waking up. Myself and my DH both work fulltime and we share the chores, sometimes I do more and sometimes he does, depending on who gets home earlier etc etc I'm not in denial about anything tyvm but carry on telling me how you know more about my own relationship than I do

hollowtree · 06/12/2017 12:26

care it must have taken ages to personally get to know every single man in the World! And cost a fortune in travel.

Mooncuplanding · 06/12/2017 12:27

We are all in denial about loads of things but if you are completely immune to all the social conditioning you have experienced as a women, well done you.

Trinity66 · 06/12/2017 12:30

Mooncuplanding

I thought we were talking about whether or not our partners pull their weight in the household or not? But that has evolved into me being immune to social conditioning :/

Sallystyle · 06/12/2017 12:31

No one is completely immune to social conditioning there are women who aren't doing the bulk of emotional labour, housework etc.

I am not sure why you find that hard to believe.

Mooncuplanding · 06/12/2017 12:31

You are saying you are immune to social conditioning?

Sallystyle · 06/12/2017 12:32

You are saying you are immune to social conditioning?

Who said that? No one.

Trinity66 · 06/12/2017 12:34

Mooncuplanding

Is that question directed at me? Where did I say i was immune to social conditioning if so? I said my husband and I both pull our weight in the household and with the kids :/

FizzyGreenWater · 06/12/2017 12:41

So much anger on this board towards women who dare complain about men too

NO. It's NOT that. It's women who complain about men 'being useless' and then go on to describe situations where they grumble about x but then always, always pick up the pieces themselves. Thereby ensuring that it's just the bloody same next time.

The wallet for example. No way should 'a sick mum who has been up early drag herself and her toddler out to the car to drop it off for him'. And a decent, non-entitled man wouldn't even ask! They'd say, shit, I need to borrow £10 for lunch from someone in the office. Or I need to come back myself. It would be THEIR PROBLEM.

Putting on socks and leaves the rest? You ask him to put the biscuit down and do the other jobs too. Rather than do them yourself then have a go. All this is totally subconscious stuff for this kind of dynamic. He doesn't even need to listen to the second half of your sentence about the shoes because absolutely nothing depends on it. He can catch a snatch of sentence -'ooh right, socks' - then wander off and find a biscuit because it doesn't matter, it's just noise - you will do the rest.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2017 12:43

Of course wife work exists. But it's not a feature of every relationship. I know plenty of women shouldering far more of the crap of day-to-day life than they should.

I also know many couples where the split of household management, maintenance and childcare are equal or the man does more because the woman is the one focusing on her career and providing financially.

Or do I not? Because you don't believe me?

Trinity66 · 06/12/2017 12:46

Or do I not? Because you don't believe me?

Nope we all dreamed these experiences up Grin

0hCrepe · 06/12/2017 12:50

My dh would definitely still be forgetful on his own. It’s not my fault for making him like that thanks!

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