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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to my colleague’s house for dinner?

331 replies

Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 07:49

I’m two months into a new job where I share an office with a male colleague. We’re still in the getting to know each other stage but he seems like a nice bloke. We get on well and have not been in a social situation.

His partner works here too but is currently on maternity leave. She called in with the baby unannounced yesterday and attempted to engage in a long conversation which was a pain as I was really busy. She was asking lots of questions and I got the distinct feeling I was being ‘assessed’.

The conversation ended with her inviting my husband and I for dinner at their house and completely cringe-worthy PDA with my colleague as she left.

AIBU to not want to have dinner with two people I barely know just so she can make I don’t hit in her partner?

OP posts:
brasty · 06/12/2017 10:35

If this happened to me, I would simply think the woman wants to make friends. As simple as that.

LalaLeona · 06/12/2017 10:35

Everyone on here will say you are imagining things but I have seen this sort of behaviour before. Just say you're busy no big deal!

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 10:37

Oh, I do agree shegot. I think I've got a bit inured to it now, but I can remember being shocked when I first joined Mumsnet about the level of paranoia about other women, and the absolute certainty with which posters would pronounce any conversation the prelude to an affair. I think there are a LOT of women on here who have been significantly damaged by terrible male behaviour, who have trouble trusting anyone or anything ever again. It's not, in my experience of real life, a "normal" level of anxiety/suspicion to have about these things.

NoHunsHereHun · 06/12/2017 10:45

Her comment sounds as though your colleague has been talking about you at home, most likely because you are new, and possibly because she's asked him questions - especially if she works there too. She is at home with a new baby and a post pregnancy body and probably feels insecure.
PDA does sound like marking her territory, however inviting you for dinner sounds friendly. Decline on the basis you like to keep work and social life separate if you want to, but don't take the perceived jealousy personally.

Willow2017 · 06/12/2017 10:49

Whisky
I work in a place where babies (and older 'babies') are regularly brought in, also partners pop in regularly too. I have never seen any of the women I work with feel the need to be all over their husbands/partners just to prove a point.

They chat to everyone and nobody feels uncomfortable because an attatched man is in our presence so we need to prove that we dont want to jump their bones.

As op wont be working with this woman at all I dont see the need for her to be besties with her just to prove she isnt out to steal 'her man'.

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 10:49

He’s never given me any indication that he fancies me.

OP posts:
Butteredparsn1ps · 06/12/2017 10:51

the suggestion of dinner wasn't meant seriously and if it was then the correct way to respond is to repeatedly fob her off

Just because the DW is marking her territory, doesn't mean the work colleague fancies the OP, but If I were the OP I wouldn't want to engage with this couple outside work.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2017 11:04

If you don't want to go, don't, just keep it vague, and say your diary is full at the moment and you have a lot on.

midnightmisssuki · 06/12/2017 11:12

just say no - what the problem. You are reading way too much into this. Maybe she was just being nice - friendly even (shock horror!) you say she's on maternity? Maybe shes bored, isolated, in need of company, did you even think of that? Maybe, JUST MAYBE - her husband doesnt fancy you.... I mean - who's to say if there wasnt more of you in the office she wouldnt have invited everyone? It just so happened it was just you and her husband in there.. God - people read so much into things these days dont they! damned if you do and damned if you dont...

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 11:13

willow - absolutely, it's totally up to the OP whether she goes or not. Her downtime is hers to dispose of in whatever way she sees fit! What I am taking issue with is the notion that any dinner invitation must be motivated by paranoia/jealousy. Not every interaction that women have has to be governed by the men that are around them. Smile

Nice to hear about someone else who works in a place where it's normal for babies/partners to drop by. I really love that!

JingsMahBucket · 06/12/2017 11:14

@whiskeyowl, I'm like you. Lots of my friends were former colleagues at one point. Even in the toxic workplaces. That's how we all survived to be able to get out of said toxic workplaces. We cheered each other on, hung out over the weekends, etc. No big deal.

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 11:19

Jings - oh thank God, I was beginning to think I was some kind of strange oddity! Grin

I'm not saying people HAVE to socialise at work - people are totally at liberty to refuse my dinner invitations! - but some of us do, and we enjoy it! Smile Plus, when you are sharing a flat with colleagues for a conference or something, it's hard not to emerge being better friends than when you went!

FilledSoda · 06/12/2017 11:21

No way would I be giving up my free time to dine with strangers or colleagues, just no.

JingsMahBucket · 06/12/2017 11:22

@whiskyowl Grin no worries. I'm jarred whenever people on here talk about how strict around work boundaries they are. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Thinking about it now, most of friendships have come from work or school (higher education). Maybe it's because I didn't really stay in my hometown? Not sure.

Anatidae · 06/12/2017 11:23

Op, you are British right? Then you will know that the suggestion of dinner wasn't meant seriously and if it was then the correct way to respond is to repeatedly fob her off. That she's done the nice thing inviting you round and you've done the nice thing by not going.

The most sensible advice Grin

My non British husband is baffled by all these nuances. He gets annoyed that people say how to you do and do t actually mean ‘how are you doing.’

Ditto forrin colleagues who were a bit put out at ‘doing anything nice at the weekend’ meant ‘I have no interest in your weekend activities nor do I wish to partake in them.’

God I miss the uk 🇬🇧

paxillin · 06/12/2017 11:24

I would not spend my evening (and make DH spend his, too) with people I don't really want to socialise with. I wouldn't give a shit if the idea for her was to make friends, mark territory or whatever else. Don't want to is enough.

Tell him whatever feels most natural; you are awkward at dinners, your DH hates dinner parties or you'd like to keep work and private separate.

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 11:28

Jings - Yeah, I don't see why it stops at work. I have friends from primary school, high school, VI form, various unis, people I've randomly met and liked, people I've met through friends and got on with like a house on fire, people who I've met through partners, and people I've met from various workplaces. I don't really see why work is different - nice people are nice people, however you know them!

The only workplace I didn't make friends was in a very weird enclave of the NHS, and so deeply dysfunctional that most sane people left very quickly!!

I'm really hoping (male and female) colleagues I've invited out or round aren't thinking "Oh Jesus, she thinks I fancy her DH"!!!

MudCity · 06/12/2017 11:53

She was being friendly. With a new baby maybe they don’t get out much and so inviting you over to theirs was a way of being sociable. Given she is on maternity leave, she is also probably keen to be kept in the loop with work so it is less of a big deal for her when she returns.

If you don’t want to go, say so, but there is no way I would interpret this in any way other than being friendly.

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 12:13

I don’t get the ‘she at home with a baby and wants friends thing’ I appreciate that maybe the case but why would you pick your partners worl colleague whom
you’ve never met?

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 06/12/2017 12:27

I think you’re right OP. Just say no.

CheeriosEverywhere · 06/12/2017 12:32

AIBU to not want to have dinner with two people I barely know just so she can make I don’t hit in her partner?

Are you always so horrible about people you meet who are being nice and friendly to you? You sound paranoid and arrogant.

You don't get many invites to dinners, do you?

paxillin · 06/12/2017 12:38

Making friends? Step 1- suggesting dinner at your home within minutes of first contact? That's like suggesting moving in on date 2.

Allthecoolkids · 06/12/2017 12:42

Only1scoop
'They're sex people Lynne'
Made me proper LOL.

I think you’re probably right OP. She’s at home with leaky boobs and tops that smell vaguely of sick and you’re there getting what she sees as the best bits of him day in day out.

You don’t have to go to dinner, but equally it wouldn’t kill you to show some gesture of niceness.

Be the bigger person here.

Incidentally, do you think he does fancy you? No judgement here if you do, I guess the answer just colours what gestures you might be willing to make.

Damnthatonestaken · 06/12/2017 12:44

The op hasnt said anywhere she thinks male colleague fancies her. Nor has she said she thinks shes good looking, (although she may be) and i cant see the relevance of that anyway. She asked about the ettiquette around declining an invite she didnt want to go to. Fair question really. I agree, be vague and delay

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 12:45

*Are you always so horrible about people you meet who are being nice and friendly to you? You sound paranoid and arrogant.

You don't get many invites to dinners, do you?*

Are you always so horrible to people you’ve never met asking for advice? Bet you don’t get asked for advice much.

OP posts: