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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to my colleague’s house for dinner?

331 replies

Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 07:49

I’m two months into a new job where I share an office with a male colleague. We’re still in the getting to know each other stage but he seems like a nice bloke. We get on well and have not been in a social situation.

His partner works here too but is currently on maternity leave. She called in with the baby unannounced yesterday and attempted to engage in a long conversation which was a pain as I was really busy. She was asking lots of questions and I got the distinct feeling I was being ‘assessed’.

The conversation ended with her inviting my husband and I for dinner at their house and completely cringe-worthy PDA with my colleague as she left.

AIBU to not want to have dinner with two people I barely know just so she can make I don’t hit in her partner?

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 08/12/2017 10:14

Yes I think she was assessing you. Whatever you say to her don't say it made yo uncomfortable or she will think there is an affair! As others have said just say you keep work and your social life separate. She will be relieved then!

bananasaregood · 08/12/2017 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumof56 · 08/12/2017 17:42

Honestly you sound like a stalker if the idea of someone refusing to engage fills you with such extreme rage. Most sensible people would agree not engaging is the mature way to handle someone you don't care to get to know. But being ignored is the one thing that drives stalkers crazy

She's a stalker nowHmm What a weird conclusion

Internalized misogyny is scary. There's men out there raping infants and 80 yr olds and homeless women who haven't bathed in days, wolf-whistling at middle school students and heavily pregnant women and women with baby vomit down the front of their sweatpants. But god forbid a woman thinks a man might be interested in her, because we all know the male penis has the discernment of a top restaurant critic and that's why literally no woman who's not a lingerie model has ever had sex. Ever

Very weird

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 17:45

If you suspect some bloke in the office may have a thing for you, how is it feminist to mock his wife? Can someone explain that please?

If the OP is irritated she should direct that irritation at her colleague, but oh no - no mention of him or his motives. He is the one she works with every day and apparently she feels totally fine about that.

Yet the wife is depicted as some kind of desperado, paranoid "stalker" Grin

Most newly married women (or normal women in general) would be focusing their attention on giving the bloke in the office the cold shoulder, not mocking his wife who has a new baby fgs! What planet are some people on?

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 17:45

This whole thread is very weird

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 08/12/2017 18:02

Why on earth would I be giving my colleague the cold shoulder?

OP posts:
bananasaregood · 08/12/2017 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 18:21

Why on earth would you be mocking of his wife?

You know even less about her.

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 18:23

Bananas - sorry but what are you on about?

If you don't want to go to dinner with someone, you just politely decline.

That's it. No drama needed.

Branleuse · 08/12/2017 18:26

Bananas - I completely agree

Willow2017 · 08/12/2017 18:44

Wtaf?
G1ttrrati at no point has op said her colleague fancies her. A
At no point has she said she is uncomfortable around him.

Stop making up things to suit your own agenda. You are being vicious towards op without reason she hasnt actually done anything wrong. Maybe rtt and see that her colleague hasnt done anything either. Why should she ignore him? What a daft suggestion when she has to work with him not his wife.

She does have a problem with someone she just met making personal remarks about her marriage and asking if its ok after only 4 months and being badgered to go to hers for dinner.

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 18:50

If someone asked me to dinner and I didn't want to go, I would just make up an excuse and decline.

I wouldn't take to MN to speculate about their agenda.

The OP stated that she felt the PDA was somehow for her benefit. If this was the case, then either -

a) the wife is an insecure type. So what? Some people are so why worry?

b) she has good reason to feel insecure. In this case, I would be speculating about the DH, not blaming her.

In either case, you can politely decline as in any other situation in life.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/12/2017 18:53

OP works with the man. She shares an office with him. She has not mentioned he has said or done anything to indicate that he has any non-work-related interest in her, any more than she has in him. She's hardly going to avoid or 'stay away from' her work colleague because said work colleague is married to a boundary-pushing drama llama.

About 20 years ago, a mate of mine had a job as a part-time assistant to a man who was in a (by the sound of it) toxic marriage. My friend didn't much like her boss, who she described as an arrogant bully, 20 years older than her who dressed like a silly old hippy, but she needed the money and he was out of the workplace a lot of the time.
The man's wife got it into her head that my mate was shagging the arrogant bully, and proceeded to stalk and threaten my mate to the extent that the police had to be involved. Some women are completely irrational on the subject of My Hubby Is My Property and Every Other Woman is After Him

Rinoachicken · 08/12/2017 19:12

Just tell her your Cealiac vegan and allergic to nuts, she’ll soon change her mind!

ladystarkers · 08/12/2017 19:17

I’d go with the keeping work and homelife seperate. Only you know how ot felt, I’d defintley avoid if your gut feeling right. It might be her who is bonkers.Confused

InternetHoopJumper · 08/12/2017 20:01

YANBU. I wouldn't go either. I am quite reserved and going to dinner at someone's house when I barely know them, that would be a no from me.

Furthermore, I hate office PDA. I don't like it outside either, but having it at my place of work makes me really uncomfortable, because I can't get away from it.

People also make "jokes" about the things they would not be able to get away with saying if serious, but they very much mean it depsite the jokey tone.

Bothering people with chitchat at work when they are clearly busy is just plane rude. Even if she had no obvious hidden motives I would not want to socialise with such a person outside of work. That dinner would be awkward as fuck and I seriously doubt your husband would like it either.

Mrstumbletap · 08/12/2017 20:23

OP you are right about how confident women do seem to be torn down more. It's ridiculous, our script doesn't always have to be we are ugly/fat/old etc. Would be nice if more women said I look good, I'm not fat, I'm happy with my body etc- but that's a different thread entirely.

It seems simple - Your attractive, she felt insecure and snogged her husband and grabbed his arse in front of you to make a statement.

She made a snippy comment about you possibly being 'bored' with your new husband, despite not knowing you or him.

She sounds insecure about the attractive woman working with her husband. Not your fault.

You are more than entitled to write a thread asking if its weird to not go to dinner. For people so baffled/annoyed by your thread and confidence, I don't think they understand people are entitled to start threads on whatever they want......

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 20:42

Of course women are entitled to believe they are attractive.

Truly attractive women usually have the good grace not to need to bellittle other women. They don't need to.

I hate the implication that women are, by default, insecure psychos, worried about their husbands at work or wherever. And if a woman does seem insecure around her husband would you not stop to wonder why?

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 08/12/2017 20:51

But you have decided by default that I’m
exactly that.

OP posts:
InternetHoopJumper · 08/12/2017 20:54

OP, I think it's possible her husband has made a comment about finding you attractive and that's why she is acting like that. Unfortunately some men get a kick out of playing women off each other and it sounds like it has hurt her self-esteem enough to come into the office to "investigate" you.

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 21:01

Exactly what?

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 08/12/2017 21:10

You have me down as a particular sort of woman without knowing anything about me, and you’ve filled the gaps with complete and utter bullshit.

OP posts:
g1itterati · 08/12/2017 21:20

You implied that the wife was "marking her territory", the PDA was for your benefit and was was asking you to dinner to check you out. That is the point of this thread, no?

In that situation, I would feel a bit bad for the wife and wonder what had happened to make her like that.

I wouldn't feel the need to belittle her and invite others to do the same.

Of course you don't have to go to dinner - or anywhere else you don't want to go. That goes without saying. She can hardly drag you there.

bananasaregood · 08/12/2017 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2017 23:02

OP hope you are feeling firm in resolve not to get involved.

It seems very clear she was marking her territory and may feel insecure.which is not uncommon when you have had a baby.

Decline offers and just say work and personal life don't mix for you.

Good luck. Lots of very odd responses on this thread.

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