AIBU to not want to go to my colleague’s house for dinner?

[Skarossinkplunger]

I’m two months into a new job where I share an office with a male colleague. We’re still in the getting to know each other stage but he seems like a nice bloke. We get on well and have not been in a social situation.

His partner works here too but is currently on maternity leave. She called in with the baby unannounced yesterday and attempted to engage in a long conversation which was a pain as I was really busy. She was asking lots of questions and I got the distinct feeling I was being ‘assessed’.

The conversation ended with her inviting my husband and I for dinner at their house and completely cringe-worthy PDA with my colleague as she left.

AIBU to not want to have dinner with two people I barely know just so she can make I don’t hit in her partner?

willow - I'm absolutely NOT saying the OP should be grateful some other woman sees her as a threat. I've said nothing of the kind. You're just erecting a straw man to tilt at.

I'm saying that it's possible for partners to take a baby into work and to be affectionate in public, and to invite someone to dinner without "marking territory". Some people ARE just friendly. I'd hate for my DH's colleagues to think I was pissing around him just because I go to his office occasionally and invite them to dinner. It honestly IS just friendly!

She's feeling insecure, and probably came into the office with the intention of marking her territory, she obviously plans to 'kill you with kindness' and befriend you in order to keep you from making a move on her husband. No good can come from spending time with them, just politely decline and if you have to be blunt 'I've never really socialised with work colleagues before, I prefer to keep my work and home life separate, but please thank your DW for the invitation anyway'

Say sorry we can't make it and leave it at that.

It is only dinner OP, they have a young baby so I would imagine you would only be there for a few hours maximum.

People really go round to each other's offices and invite their partner's colleagues they've never met before for lunch?
Admittedly,I haven't worked in an office for a few years as I'm a SAHM but it all sounds very Ross and Rachel to me.
It'll be picnic basket dinner and the barber shop quartet round next.
How strange. Just "sorry, can't make it, will let you know if I can another day" then forget to make the appointment another day

Jesus, do none of you ever have dinner with your colleagues

God no. And they are all really nice people, but boundaries!!

#antisocialgit

I don't think you're bonkers at all. Just say I'm afraid we can't make it.

Another vote for no home socialising with work colleagues. Dinner out in restaurants, pub quizzes and Christmas parties are fine, but unless you are actual bosom buddies with someone who just happens to be a work colleague then mixing work and home just makes things awkward.

No, just politely decline. Don't engage with this nonsense. I wouldn't ever do it either.

Do you have low self esteem OP? Could you do with looking at how to boost your self confidence?

"Congratulations on the first day at your brand new job, it won't be long until you're the boss.
And you know who'll be there to support you? Your one and only girlfriend..... it's nice to have a girlfriend!
Your loyal loving girlfriend, Skaross'Hater!"

This website goes fucking mental if a woman dares to suggest that any man in the world might fancy her or even think about fancying her. You wonder how people even end up in couples when women are so obliged by one another to pretend they are far too hideous for any man to ever express an interest in.

OP, I hope she doesn't embarrass herself enough to actually try and firm up a date, but if she does just make excuses every single time til she gets the message. Very odd to try and drag a colleague into their issues, regardless of the background.

Yeah whatever happened to that OP who was practically disciplined for not wanting to invite her ghastly colleagues round for dinner, and not noticing they were trying to bully her...

It's fine not to socialise with your colleagues to the extent of dinner parties at each other's houses. Plenty of people would rather keep workmates at a civilised distance because they have enough actual friends in their lives as it is.

She knows you've been married for four months - so either she's asked about your relationship status or your colleague has talked about you enough for that to come up. Sounds like mentionitis on his part or insecurity on hers.

Regarding the dinner invitation, nod and say 'maybe in the New Year' and then never bring it up again. Chances are she won't persist.

Well Bratsy that’s a kind of double edged sword on here (and a fucking smug question). Because if I answer truthfully and say no, then I obviously think I’m gorgeous and no man can resist me, which has already been pointed out. Thanks for your input.

"People really go round to each other's offices and invite their partner's colleagues they've never met before for lunch?"

Yup, I agree that's quite "full on", isn't it?

Op, you are British right? Then you will know that the suggestion of dinner wasn't meant seriously and if it was then the correct way to respond is to repeatedly fob her off. That she's done the nice thing inviting you round and you've done the nice thing by not going.

She won’t have meant it. It’s one of those things you say to be polite with no intention of actually doing. She just sounds British.

I can correct that. She just sounds English. If she was Scottish, Welsh or from the island of Ireland then I would worry.

On the face of it was nice of her to invite you. But you sound like you you didn't really take to her regardless and for me that would be why I wouldn't be particularly eager to accept the invitation.

It's Christmas and there are loads of 'polite' reasons why you couldn't make it. Kick the can down the road and she'll loose interest whatever her reasons.

I think you should trust your intuition . Whatever other posters are saying. Doesn't sound like it would be a fun evening.

Brasty have you?

Bluntness I didn’t realise we had met

Nicely done

Genuinely do you think he fancies you and she’s threatened by you as that’s pretty much what you’re postiing. You’re the best judge of that and as you think this is the case I’d just decline. Softly, like yeah we need to find a date for that, and not do so. Much better than saying “no, because I’m under the impression your husband fancies me and you’re threatened by me and it would be weird”. Ain’t no one likes that...

Op, you are British right? Then you will know that the suggestion of dinner wasn't meant seriously and if it was then the correct way to respond is to repeatedly fob her off. That she's done the nice thing inviting you round and you've done the nice thing by not going.

^^ Surely it's this.

As for the rest I image it's one of those contexts things - obvious if you're there but written it's not as clear. I'd ignore as it's their issue and nothing to do with you

Not sure why you are getting a hard time OP.

It does sound like she was checking you out and marking her territory, she also seems to be wanting to keep you close and befriend you so that she can keep tabs on you. I think she sounds bonkers! not you!

I wouldn't go either and I too would find this really strange.

YANBU. There is no reason to going into the office with your baby and absolutely no reason to invite someone that you don't know to dinner. I wouldn't go unless I saw a professional opportunity in the connection.

I think if you'd known both of them for a while and got on well, fine, but you hardly know him and don't know her at all, sounds a bit too forward. I socialise with some colleagues (female), mostly in the school holidays we'll meet up in a set location with our dc to play while we chat, or we'll go for a meal or coffee, cinema, that kind of thing. Obviously some people don't want to mix work and home at all which is completely fine. Do as you wish, just because MN says 'she's just being friendly', doesn't mean you have to be, I'm sure you can make your own mind up who you wish to make friends with at work.

I do think it sounds like she has taken some crap advice about having you round for dinner.

If I were you I would say honestly to yoru colleague, thanks but I prefer to keep work and social life separately. I am sure if you say it with a smile and nice tone it will be fine. And carry on as you were .

Only on Mumsnet could a dinner invitation equal "OMG HER HUSBAND MUST FANCY THE PANTS OFF ME". Isn't it actually more likely that a woman with a new baby is feeling socially isolated and lonely, and looking to have some "normal" adult social contact with someone who seems nice?

Yes, I agree.

On the other hand if a socially isolated new mother posted here saying that her husband was working with a new female, they seemed to get along really well, had maybe even committed the crime of mentioning said new colleague at home; five posts deep, you'd get LTB and 'you need to meet her, OP. Why not invite her dinner?'

Obviously, in the reverse scenario, if the OP declines, then she's DEFINATELY shagging/is desperate to shag the husband.

Just shows that in rl, sometimes, incredibly the female co-work simply doesn't want to go for dinner, and isn't shagging her colleague.

Don't go OP. Make polite excuses util it's gone away and just get on with life.