Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to my colleague’s house for dinner?

331 replies

Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 07:49

I’m two months into a new job where I share an office with a male colleague. We’re still in the getting to know each other stage but he seems like a nice bloke. We get on well and have not been in a social situation.

His partner works here too but is currently on maternity leave. She called in with the baby unannounced yesterday and attempted to engage in a long conversation which was a pain as I was really busy. She was asking lots of questions and I got the distinct feeling I was being ‘assessed’.

The conversation ended with her inviting my husband and I for dinner at their house and completely cringe-worthy PDA with my colleague as she left.

AIBU to not want to have dinner with two people I barely know just so she can make I don’t hit in her partner?

OP posts:

overnightangel · 06/12/2017 08:27

Maybe just wants to get to know you as she’ll be working with you after maternity leave and doesn’t want to seem out of the loop when she comes back? Presumably if you’re new-ish she already knows everyone else except you?

Ginslinger · 06/12/2017 08:27

Maybe this woman's husband has been suffering from a severe case of mentionitis at home and the woman is feeling her way a bit. Can you imagine how different the replies would be if someone posted that they were on maternity leave, a bit lonely, feeling neglected by their partner, missing work and that their DH was talking all the time about a new colleague so they thought they'd go and meet her and invite her to dinner. The replies would be a lot different then.

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 08:29

Only on Mumsnet could a dinner invitation equal "OMG HER HUSBAND MUST FANCY THE PANTS OFF ME". Isn't it actually more likely that a woman with a new baby is feeling socially isolated and lonely, and looking to have some "normal" adult social contact with someone who seems nice?

ReasonableLlama · 06/12/2017 08:30

You could be right, you were there and we wasn't so go with your gut.

If you don't want to go, regardless of if she's worried about you stealing her husband, just decline.

Moo678 · 06/12/2017 08:30

I can’t tell if you’re being unreasonable or not. Maybe you are super sensitive and can pick up on the subtle nuances of a couples’ relationship after spending ten minutes in their company....or maybe not. Here’s and alternative scenario - she’s really struggling at Home with a small baby- maybe she shouted at her husband for something unreasonable last night / this morning, maybe she feels guilty for putting the baby before him. Maybe her unannounced trip to the office was actually about them and not about you, she felt awkward and embarrassed because you were there and she really wanted to sort stuff out with her husband. Maybe the kiss and arse grab was more her way of trying to fix things with him and not actually to do with you at all.

Of course you could be right, maybe she is a super paranoid harriden, but just because this group is over represented on MN does not mean that all woman think/behave this way. If you don’t want to be friends then just say no politely.

RockinHippy · 06/12/2017 08:34

Crikey there a lot of people got out of the wrong side of bed on here this morning 🙄 why the hell is asking for advice on a situation like this boasting. Do you all consider unwanted sexual attention from male colleagues a bonus or something 😐

From your post, colleagues wife is clearly insecure, whether that's of her own making & Just a general not feeling at ease with her body after pregnancy etc, who she is, or whether he fear is more founded because her DP has been a womanising git in the past, who knows. Either way, that is not your problem, but your colleagues & hers.

Personally I would run a mile & I would also be fucking insulted that this woman thinks I'm going to jump on her man at any given opportunity, why think that just because you have a pair of boobs or might be deemed attractive. It's like saying every attractive woman has nothing better to think about than nicking her man. Fuck right off with that thought🙄

I would decline politely, in my book this is an insult anyway, even if one born out of insecurity. No faffing around with vague maybes, just a polite "that's very kind of you, but no thank you, I prefer to keep work & home life separate. If she still has an issue after that, that's her problem & her DPs, not yours

nibora · 06/12/2017 08:35

I reckon she's a MNer, she's just following the usual rubbish advice.

I do feel a bit sorry for her, please try to resist him if possible OP.

lynmilne65 · 06/12/2017 08:36

PDA ??

lynmilne65 · 06/12/2017 08:37

In the 20 odd years at my last job, I am friends with 2 people!

Afanofchocolate · 06/12/2017 08:38

I wouldn't want to go to a colleagues house for food regardless of the intention behind it.

I think the advice of saying not in December is your best bet.

alreadytaken · 06/12/2017 08:39

someone who is on maternity leave brings in baby - not unusual behaviour where I worked, not assessing anything or anyone but keeping in touch with the workplace.

Inviting someone to dinner - more unusual but if she's intending to come back a way of meeting a future colleague.

You are reading too much into it. If I didnt want to go I'd just have said we've got quite a lot of commitments at the moment, perhaps later.

ptumbi · 06/12/2017 08:40

Trust your instincts, OP. If you think she is warning you off, then she probably is.

The PP who haven't seen it, or don't think too hard, are just being 'witty' or bitchy for the sake of it, This is AIBU, after all.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/12/2017 08:43

She won’t have meant it. It’s one of those things you say to be polite with no intention of actually doing. She just sounds British.

I wouldn’t give it even the tiniest bit of headspace, never mind start a whole thread about it.

IfNot · 06/12/2017 08:47

Apparently the "husband fancies work colleague what shall I do about the Xmas party" one was all bollix. I am cynical!

ferrier · 06/12/2017 08:50

Go with your gut OP.
Just ignore for the time being but if she asks again just say you don't mix work and pleasure, it's not the kind of thing you do and/or dh wouldn't be very comfortable with it.

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 08:51

Jesus, do none of you ever have dinner with your colleagues? I have people over all the time - and go to theirs. It doesn't mean there is any sexual jealousy going on - it's called "friendship".

HermioneIsMe · 06/12/2017 08:51

I’m surprised that people think it’s a totally normal thing to do to invite someone you d8ntdont know for dinner tbh.
I mean if it had been the guy, who is working with the op, that would make much more sense. But someone you’ve seen only 10mins in a department you dont work in?
That doesn’t make sense. Or at least, not in the U.K.

kaytee87 · 06/12/2017 08:54

She grabbed his arse in his workplace in front of his new colleague?! That's pretty grim.

If it's mentioned again say you're busy this month but maybe in the new year. Then if she asks again in the new year arrange a drinks thing at the end of January with other people and invite them to that.

The problem with saying you don't mix with colleagues outside of work is that if you do in the future then she will know that was bullshit.

Willow2017 · 06/12/2017 08:55

Mn at its best!
This is the advice trotted out to 'suss out' potential female threats at husbands work but when this actually happens its just a poor woman being friendly!
Rubbish she us checking you out and all the PDA is to make sure you know that your colleague is 'taken'. And the comment about your dp is blatently not a joke.
I work with married couples and they dont feel its necessary to be all over each other at work its nonsense.

Just politely decline. Dont pander to her insecurities about her own dp thats her problem not yours. You can still be friendly and professional to them both without 'proving' you are not after 'her man'.

ptumbi · 06/12/2017 08:57

Jesus, do none of you ever have dinner with your colleagues - anyone read that thread recently where a 'new girl' was ostracised by the rest of the long-standing office, because she hadn't invited the 'work family' to meet her 'home family'? And she was hauled up because she hadn't asked to join the office FB page (she didn't know there was one )

Creepy AF. No way would I go to a colleagues house for dinner unless she/he was a good friend. Out for drinks with the office, yes, but family/family? No way.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 06/12/2017 08:58

Whisky - nope. I get on very well with my colleagues, they are lovely people and I like working with them. But I don't socialise outside of work (beyond the usual team lunch/team Xmas party stuff) because I like to keep my home and work lives separate and they are colleagues not friends. They have no issue with it as we natter away quite happily when we're in the office together.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 06/12/2017 09:05

I’m with you OP, I would also vaguely agree and then just be really busy with things and hopefully it will never need to happen

Willow2017 · 06/12/2017 09:22

whisky
Op has not mentioned the male colleague fancying her at all. She has stated the very obvious fishing and ott PDA by this woman. On any other thread people would be saying this woman was marking her territory or was insecure about her partner around women. b
But because op IS a woman then she obviously thinks too much of herself and should be grateful some other wonan sees her as a threat and should prove her innocence to this woman. Bullshit. The other wonan clearly doesnt trust her own dh around women and that's thier problem not ops.

Layla8 · 06/12/2017 09:24

She was definitely checking you out. No doubt. I wouldn’t go to dinner with them. She’s feeling insecure because of the new baby, the PDA confirms it.

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 09:25

I guess I work in quite a friendly sector. People work together, teach together and write together - go to conferences together in the summer and share flats etc - so it's pretty hard not to socialise together/go to the pub/round for dinner. I invite new people I don't know around for dinner as a way of getting to know them - especially if they have moved (sometimes half way across the world) for work, and know no-one in the city.

It's just been something I've always done. As the years have gone on, some of these people have become big names in their fields, and now some of the younger people coming up, and a bit lonely in a new place/institution, want to come to dinner to meet them, particularly those who are creative authors or artists with a bit of a name. It's nice, though it has to be said that my cooking, which has never been very good, is now completely inadequate to a rather less studenty and more grown-up vibe.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Swipe left for the next trending thread