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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to my colleague’s house for dinner?

331 replies

Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 07:49

I’m two months into a new job where I share an office with a male colleague. We’re still in the getting to know each other stage but he seems like a nice bloke. We get on well and have not been in a social situation.

His partner works here too but is currently on maternity leave. She called in with the baby unannounced yesterday and attempted to engage in a long conversation which was a pain as I was really busy. She was asking lots of questions and I got the distinct feeling I was being ‘assessed’.

The conversation ended with her inviting my husband and I for dinner at their house and completely cringe-worthy PDA with my colleague as she left.

AIBU to not want to have dinner with two people I barely know just so she can make I don’t hit in her partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 07/12/2017 21:52

Ok. I can’t keep up with your imagination. I’m going to ignore you now. Thanks for your contribution.

OP posts:
mrsharrison · 07/12/2017 21:54

Op you havent been unpleasant about her.
She came in and interupted you at work while you were busy.
Was rude about your marriage.
Then she grabbed her dp's arse in front of you.
Yuck. Who does that?

I bet she serves up chicken kiev at her dinner party.
Anyone seen Abigail's Party?

g1itterati · 07/12/2017 21:59

You posted to get a response. You wanted people to chime in with you and speculate - "oh yes she sees you as a threat OP, maybe he talks about you all the time..."

That's what you posted for.

The question you have to ask yourself is why do you care?

Nobody else was there so how would they have a clue.

Mum2jenny · 07/12/2017 21:59

skaross it's simple, just don't go. Find an acceptable excuse and tell them that. Alternatively tell the truth that you never mix work with leisure activities.

Branleuse · 07/12/2017 22:09

ugh, why would anyone want to go to dinner with a random colleague and his wife that you barely know? Is this what most people do?

I suspect like you do OP that shes checking you out, marking her territory. Maybe hes mentioned you once too often. Really dont get involved, tell them that you dont have a lot of free time at the moment, or that you like to keep work seperate

Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2017 22:35

Skarossinkplunger it sounds like a tricky situation. You are new at work and don't want to offend anyone and it seems like this woman wants you to come to dinner for some specific reason.

I don't believe her motive is friendship, as a new mum she'd be unlikely to want to make friends with a random woman who'd be at work when she was free.

The public display of affection does sound like she was wanting to mark her territory.

I'd just keep evading for the time being but if you want to be very upfront I say to your colleague can he get his wife to call you direct, then I'd just say to her something like "It's really kind of you to invite me and dh over. We've only been married a short while and to be honest all our free time is taken up in some shared interests etc. I hope you understand."

Then I'd tell my male colleague exactly what I said to her.

I think it is hilarious so many people on here questioning why you think this guy might behave like this. Maybe he does fancy you or maybe he doesn't but she thinks he does. Maybe you are gorgeous. I mean that totally nicely. Thanks. But whatever you look like my guess is this new mum maybe be feeling insecure. When I had my baby I blew up like a hot air balloon. I had a sore lip and so my face looked all distorted! I looked and felt terrible. Indeed many, many women would have been much more attractive than I was!

Luckily, my dh is not the kind with a wandering eye so I didn't feel insecure about his colleagues etc. However, I did feel very emotional and may well have acted a bit erratically.

So I'd chalk this up to her issues, be polite, and maybe put her mind at rest by showing you are just too busy to socialize with new work colleagues.

Good luck. (and ignore the mean comments on here.)

CeciliaBartolli · 07/12/2017 22:38

God sounds like an episode of Mad Men. If you go she will get all tipsy and start flirting with your husband.
Personally, I would just say "well maybe you and I could have coffee together, but my husband works late and I like to get his cigars and Bourbon ready in the evening as he comes home utterly exhausted from shagging secretaries all day.'

Chrys2017 · 07/12/2017 22:55

The whole basis of your thread is unpleasant about her.
In actual fact it comes across as if you are threatened by her for some reason.

Now this really is getting into fertile imagination territory. The only thing I read from the OP's posts is annoyance at being forced to engage with this insecure, vulgar woman.

ShastaBeast · 07/12/2017 23:06

MN is weird. People do feel insecure, jealous and threatened. The colleague may not fancy the OP, that’s probably irrelevant.

Women can be attractive and it’s not a bad thing to know you are considered so. We live in a world which prizes looks over other attributes of women, not right but sadly true.

I’ve had an odd experience although in my case the colleague’s wife was unfriendly initially. There was nothing to worry about but also had a fairly young baby and I am younger (my kids are a lot older).

It’s ok for her to feel vulnerable but it’s also ok for the OP to pick up on that. I’ve had a lot of counselling and was told by a psychologist that people can pick up on your vulnerabilities, most communication is non verbal, we can pick up on facial expression, body language and tone very easily. It’s instinctive, intuition. Why can’t the OP trust the intuition we are told to listen to with regards to other matters?

spiney · 07/12/2017 23:13

I think this is all about your colleague and his partner. You were just sort of caught in the crossfire as it were.

Lizzie48 · 07/12/2017 23:50

Chrys2017, yes being unpleasant about this woman who none of us know at all. She may be vulgar, or she may be jealous. Either way, it's not very nice.

Jubejube1 · 07/12/2017 23:57

Just say no thanks we’re busy with ...& just make up a load of crap that you allegedly spend your time doing. She sounds insecure & needy. No. PDA 🤮

ReanimatedSGB · 08/12/2017 00:04

It's fine to be unpleasant (anonymously, online) about some random twat who shows up in your workplace, pesters you while you are busy, does everything but rub her fanny all over her husband's desk and then starts demanding you come for dinner.
Insecure women obsessed by policing their husband's behaviour are creepy and annoying. If there are any problems within her colleague's marriage, they are nothing to do with OP and she shouldn't have to waste her time worrying about them.

Lizzie48 · 08/12/2017 00:07

Exactly, well why is she worrying about it? She could just refuse. She's the one who started the thread. The woman could well be as annoying and creepy as anything but it's the OP who is on here.

Pellucid123 · 08/12/2017 00:38

Take no notice of the ones saying she's just being friendly. Of COURSE she was checking you out. And the meal would prob be excruciating for you & your partner. Stay pleasant at work, be friendly if she phones but hit the socialising on the head. The PDA was the clue.

Jellyheadbang · 08/12/2017 00:57

'They're sex people Lynne' I love that partridge quotes can pop up anywhere. Really restores my faith in humanity.

OP, some people are being really cunty on here. You don’t sound stupid, trust your instincts. The fact she keeps coming up with more dates is bloody weird and is not what you’d expect from someone you don’t know’s wife who you also don’t know.
Some people really hate it if you suggest someone might fancy you or that they could be jealous of you. It’s the Samantha Brick effect.
It is a very english reaction to shoot people down if they appear to have any ego or self esteem based on their attractiveness.
Sounds like you’ve read the situation right. Only go for dinner if u really have the time and inclination. Could be entertaining but I find those scenarios quite excruciating, especially with virtual strangers so I’d rather not.

manicmij · 08/12/2017 01:34

Would be better to have dinner or a drink out somewhere initially. May find a further invitation isn't forthcoming. I never socialise with colleagues or those I am in charge of.

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 08/12/2017 04:57

I think your instincts are right OP.
smile and decline.
She sounds very insecure.

caringcarer · 08/12/2017 05:38

I would go but only because she works there too and it might be awkward when she gets back off mat leave if you don't. But I would not be staying over long after finished meal.

worrierandwine · 08/12/2017 06:33

Either marking her territory or swingers. Either way I wouldn’t go.

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 08:37

What I found irritating about this thread is the stupid stereotyping that the wife's behaviour must be because she is insecure about her husband. Followed by the OP getting on her high- horse about women and self-esteem Grin

The "wife" used to work in that office (in another dept, but still). It is a weird feeling visiting your old place of work with your baby. New faces etc and you feel out the loop. Perhaps she realised how her life has changed. Perhaps she was over-compensating because of this - she misses the buzz and the interaction of the office. New people make her feel a bit pushed out.

Even if she is being "territorial" why presume it's about her husband. It could be that she wants to feel she's still "in the loop?" Maybe she was like that when she worked there - a bit of a busybody?

Not every female behaviour has to be about men.

bsbabas · 08/12/2017 09:18

Cringe worthy PDA? sounds like you are jealous.

Willow2017 · 08/12/2017 09:26

Never felt the need to snog my partner and grope his bum at work in front of a new colleague so nope not jealous.

ptumbi · 08/12/2017 09:49

What I find irritating about this thread is the PP who keep posting things like - are you jealous? Don't you think so much of yourself? You reckon you're so gorgeous! You are so arrogant...

I just think OP has trusted her instincts and they are telling her that this wife is warning her off. WHY, she doesn't know. It doesnot mean that she is 'jealous, arrogant, beautiful' or even interested.

PDA - in an office? Yuk.

Branleuse · 08/12/2017 09:59

Its not exactly hard work to decipher hidden motives in peoples behaviour. If you think someones coming on to you, then they probably are. If you think someones marking their territory for your benefit, then tbh, they probably are.