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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to my colleague’s house for dinner?

331 replies

Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 07:49

I’m two months into a new job where I share an office with a male colleague. We’re still in the getting to know each other stage but he seems like a nice bloke. We get on well and have not been in a social situation.

His partner works here too but is currently on maternity leave. She called in with the baby unannounced yesterday and attempted to engage in a long conversation which was a pain as I was really busy. She was asking lots of questions and I got the distinct feeling I was being ‘assessed’.

The conversation ended with her inviting my husband and I for dinner at their house and completely cringe-worthy PDA with my colleague as she left.

AIBU to not want to have dinner with two people I barely know just so she can make I don’t hit in her partner?

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 06/12/2017 22:19

You seem to have taken an instant diskike to her for trivial reasons...Do you fancy her husband?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/12/2017 22:20

I would dislike someone that came in and made snide comments about me going off my husband after 4 months of marriage

You don’t say that to a complete stranger !!!

wednesdayswench · 06/12/2017 22:20

The OP sounds completely normal, I think you just get an uneasy feeling sometimes when you just KNOW someone is being 'off'. Now that this woman is hounding OP to come over for dinner confirms she was right.

Don't let this woman track you down on social media or get hold of your mobile number, she will be relentless.

Being honest is the only way to nip this in the bud. 'Sorry I don't want to come for dinner, I don't feel comfortable socialising with colleagues'

Or say your DH doesn't like socialising with your work colleagues.

Whatever you do keep some healthy and robust boundaries in place, I don't think this is the last you'll hear from her.

nousername123 · 06/12/2017 22:25

Eugh! Sounds pretentious and boring, I wouldn't want to go either and that does sound like she's trying to get to know you for the very reason you mentioned. To be honest, she's on maternity leave, she probably feels like shit and might be concerned. I would just say thanks for the invite but you don't socialise with colleagues. I honestly couldn't think of anything worse than going round a colleagues house for dinner with husbands there. I don't think you're being unreasonable, if you don't want to go don't go. Because it will either go okay and they will invite you again and if it's not really your thing then you don't want to get into that habit. Or it will be awkward and might have an impact on your work environment!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/12/2017 22:27

Yes , blame your DH that’s a great idea

‘Brian has mild social anxiety and really can’t bear socialising with people he doesn’t know well . It’s a cross I have to bear Grin

Maelstrop · 06/12/2017 23:17

Look, just be honest with your colleague and say that you don't want to socialize with work people, fair enough, Imo. Don't passing around with dates and be polite with a firm refusal and explanation.

TheCraicDealer · 06/12/2017 23:46

Can't believe the sneery tone of some of the early posts on here. Literally every time someone does a thread about worrying about a new colleague of their DP, some genius crops up with the highly original idea of inviting the potential OW round for dinner. It's about as transparent as Marksies' front window ffs.

OP isn't saying she thinks she's a goddess or that the fella fancies her, she's saying that she doesn't think that the maternity-colleague's actions come from a place of sweetness and light. And she's probably right! They've had one brief interaction, and OP's been working there a very short time. She's either insecure and scoping you out or (less likely) does want to be your mate but is one of those intense individuals that clings on to people and gets overly involved very quickly. Neither bodes well.

Only1scoop
'They're sex people Lynne'- had to read the premise and your post to DH who's a massive AP fan. Loved it.

bananasaregood · 06/12/2017 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 07/12/2017 01:55

I have never been to a work colleague's house for dinner and nor would I want to.

This woman sounds like a persistent and annoying fly. I'd wager a bet that she comes on here and has taken on board some of the ridiculous and terrible advice that gets doled out, so she is trying to insist you come for dinner in order to suss you out.

FFS don't keep finding excuses. You will run out of them. Say firmly that you find it a bad idea to mix your business and social lives, so although it is a kind invitation you will not be accepting.

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 07/12/2017 06:36

As I have said I don’t fancy him and there has been no indication that he fancies me. But while I certainly don’t think I’m some sort of goddess I do think I look OK for a woman of my age. Now even though I’ve never made any mention of what I look like this in this thread I’ve been called arrogant and revolting for daring to suggest that she may following advice regularly given on here.

Now it’s not that I’ve taken any of these comments personally, because I certainly haven’t. But I do wonder why in world where we are working to raise sel-esteem in girls is it ok for us to tear each other down when we’re grown women?

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 07/12/2017 06:51

"Work colleague, please do thank your wife for the kind dinner invite, but on second thoughts & having now spoken to DH, I really don't think it's a good idea for us to come. DH is uncomfortable with the idea & to be honest, having thought about it further, so am I. He reminded me that I don't usually socialise much with work colleagues, so it would be a bit odd to start now, especially when I've only met your wife the once. I look forward to getting to know her better when she returns to work though, thanks again"

Honestly you need a firm, polite "no" & pdq or she is going to drive you nuts as she doesn't sound so rational with the pushy not taking no for an answer invite on the back of the earlier invite. Whatever her fears, they are not your problem, that's for her & her DH to sort out.

Good luck OP, all sounds very awkward & insulting tbh

RockinHippy · 07/12/2017 06:58

Now it’s not that I’ve taken any of these comments personally, because I certainly haven’t. But I do wonder why in world where we are working to raise sel-esteem in girls is it ok for us to tear each other down when we’re grown women?

Well said OP I often despair at the way certain factors on here round in on anyone who dares suggest they might be vaguely attractive, unnecessary & makes me wonder why those posters are so bitter & hung up on looks, or whether we have a troop Jabba the Huts sitting behind a keyboard venting off Grin

wednesdayswench · 07/12/2017 07:01

OP, try to ignore the scathing comments and sift out the more useful ones. Some posters come on AIBU with the specific intent of tearing you down, it says more about them than you tbh.

You are right about women tearing each other down, spot on.

Willow2017 · 07/12/2017 08:24

Op ignore all the bitching.

Everyone rants on about feminism and womens rights being eroded but Christ help a woman who knows when she is being seen as a threat cos how dare she even think someone would even consider her capable of seducing someone.

It doesnt seem to occur to people that maybe this guy has form for this and his wife is making things clear to both of you it isnt happening again.

But of course not its all your fault cos you are female and getting above your station. Why on earth would any man find you attractive? All these posters know you look like a gorgon and are just too big headed for your own good.

Just carry on ignoring the vile posts from the usual suspects who seem to revel in posting nasty things no matter what the thread as long as they can be pulling someone to bits.

overnightangel · 07/12/2017 08:31

“Op, you are British right? Then you will know that the suggestion of dinner wasn't meant seriously and if it was then the correct way to respond is to repeatedly fob her off.”

Not read the full full tread bt this made me laugh, why a fucking moron!

Topseyt · 07/12/2017 08:58

Just ignore the worst of the comments.

There are some pretty stupid people on AIBU who have such small minds that they come on here as keyboard warriors simply to rip others to shreds.

Just make clear by whatever means you wish that you cannot accept the invitation because it blurs the lines between your work and home lives.

ptumbi · 07/12/2017 10:20

overnightangel - that was not only a fucking nasty thing to post, but misspelled and pretty ungrammatical as well.

Make you look like a fucking idiot (I won't use the word you used, it'd probably get deleted.)

DesertSky · 07/12/2017 17:39

I haven’t read all this thread, but I can’t imagine for 1 minute why on earth I would invite a colleague of my husband’s to dinner, who has only been working with him for just 2 months and I had literally just met. Seems OTT to me.

Beezley · 07/12/2017 17:46

Blimey you people seem a bit standoffish. Seems like the poor girl was trying to be friendly. We have all had babies and it can be a bit isolating at times. She was trying to be nice don't slag her off on somewhere like here.

Chrys2017 · 07/12/2017 17:53

Just say no can do this side of Christmas and forget to rearrange
They will get the hint or bored of asking

This ^
I'm all for making friends at work but this woman sounds nauseating.

jenp256 · 07/12/2017 17:53

Can't actually believe some of these comments Haha!!
I would refuse to go too, I hate that people think because you do the same job/work in the same place you have to be friends and I can't be arsed with couply type evenings.
As for the office pda 😷

Iprefercoffeetotea · 07/12/2017 18:00

Just say you are always busy at weekends and too tired in the week.

cresit · 07/12/2017 18:03

'You never mix business and pleasure', easy. She can take that however she wants.

Turquoise123 · 07/12/2017 18:06

Have to say I agree with you - go with your gut here. Socialising with colleagues is not for everyone so do what works for you .

You might not be able to get out of it - when you say you are busy she may just come up with another date.

Willow2017 · 07/12/2017 18:07

Nobody is slagging her off we are pointing out the obvious.
Snogging her dh and groping him in front of op. Making pointed renarks about ops marriage and then the classic mn 'invite her to dinner to suss her out'.
She no doubt has plenty people in her own dept she knows, she probably isnt so desperate for a new friend in someone she has known 10 minutes that she is bugging her to come to dinner more than once in a matter of days.