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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does this bother me?

244 replies

Arieal · 05/12/2017 19:15

A manager at work, (who can be difficult but haven't known her long, so trying to get on with her) has a thing where she will ask me how I am and I say 'fine' as you do, and she will reply 'I'm sorry?' in the snootiest way and make me repeat myself so I feel inferior and silly? It's such an innocuous question with only a bland reply expected so why do this... I do have a quiet voice but she manages to hear what else I say.. Am I being silly about this or does anyone else understand what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 22:00

Of course it's better love, no need to be smug though Wink

OP posts:
user1andonly · 05/12/2017 22:00

Slightly different but I used to know a woman who would always approach me with "Hellooo, User, and how are yoooo?" in a tone which sounded really weird to me, like she felt sorry for me or thought I was five or something.

It's possible she did it to everyone but it made me really uncomfortable (I'm not the most confident socially, though I am working on it!)

The only way I could make her stop was to say it back to her "I'm fine, thanks, and how are yoooo?" while making eye contact and smiling as if I really wanted and expected a response.

She stopped doing it and would just say "Hi" or "Hello"

I understand this woman is annoying you but just give it a try! Doesn't matter if it sounds fake.

DeadGood · 05/12/2017 22:01

“Ffs, get a bloody life. Why are you reporting this thread? It's like schoolkids telling tales to the teacher”

No, that’s not what the report button is for. I reported because I struggled to believe that any genuine poster could truly be that obtuse.

gingergenius · 05/12/2017 22:03

Of course it's better love, no need to be smug though 

Was this directed st me @Arieal ?

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 22:07

I'm genuine unfortunately, I am a bit slow to realise things. She's not a bitch for trying to help me, it's just this one thing she does. Which was why I was confused and posted. Because I dont always trust my own judgement and maybe it was because I'm so quiet. But now I will change what I say, and the way I'm thinking about it.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 05/12/2017 22:09

ginger I think the OP was replying to Piffle.

Also to clarify something from earlier, when the OP said “[jobcoach] wants me to do something” she meant it in a positive way, and she generally gets on with JobCoach, just finds her a bit cold and doesn’t like the particular issue she mentioned in the OP

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 22:09

Gingergenius, no not at all, pifflewiffle and their post. Sorry I'm not used to posting on this. You gave me some good advice so thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 22:11

Yes deadgood, that's what I've been trying to explain all. I feel silly, it's such a minor thing but I do tend to fix on one thing and get angry and resentful with people.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 05/12/2017 22:12

Sorry, cross posted OP.

I hope the thread has been useful for you and sorry I suspected you. People (including me) have been quite harsh but I hope you can go back and re-read what people have said, there is useful stuff there.

I do think you are overthinking, especially when you say you can’t ask how she is because it will sound fake and no one else does it. Try to rise above what you think others will do, and stop imagining that everyone else is listening and judging you for being polite.

EUnamechange · 05/12/2017 22:12

Hope it all works out and you find something you enjoy doing. Maybe consider civil service admin posts if you like processing information.

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 22:32

Thanks, I have posted on mumsnet twice before, on the relationships bit. And I got the same response then, I posted what I thought was a genuine question and I was laughed at and judged, people couldn't believe i was serious and I got into arguments with them all trying to explain what I meant. It must be me, I don't know how I come across to people Confused I honestly don't. I'll leave it now anyway as I feel like a silly attention seeker.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 05/12/2017 22:38

Ah ok. Bit quick off the mark there. Genuinely hope you find some way out of the situation you find yourself in.

DeadGood · 05/12/2017 22:43

I mean this kindly OP, but you might benefit from writing down your thoughts and either taking it to the GP or the Mental Health board on here. It must be difficult to be unable to relate to others; you might fit a profile that others will recognise (the GP or one of the very knowledgeable people on here). If you know more about yourself then you can take steps to relate to others better and get more out of life.
Hope that didn’t sound patronising. I have had help from people on here for his sort of thing.

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 22:47

Like a profile of having something wrong with me; being disturbed or something or just being anxious? I think that there is something wrong but I don't know what, I can't understand people and seem to see things in a different way I think.

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Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 22:50

It's like I have an image of myself and in reality it's the opposite.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 05/12/2017 22:50

Not 'wrong' with you @Arieal but if you struggle with social anxiety and interactions like this and can't see things in a way that others do, it's worth investigating to see if there's any support and to explore the situation and find positive ways to deal eith things you find difficult.

DeadGood · 05/12/2017 22:59

Well actually the reason I wrote that is because if you fit a “profile” then it really means there isn’t something “wrong” with you, it simply means you fit a particular personality type!
So maybe you have ADHD (as someone on a thread earlier today suspects they do). Or maybe you have high-functioning autism, which is only just starting to be understood in women as they mask it so well.
Once you start to understand yourself, then that feeling of “not being able to understand other people” or “not seeing your own self clearly” will go away. You will get that light bulb moment as you realise that no, you are not “wrong”, the way you see things isn’t “wrong” the way people may have made you feel before.
If you get a diagnosis you can also help others understand the way you work, or have better insight into which jobs you would be suited for.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/12/2017 23:08

I do tend to fix on one thing and get angry and resentful with people

You've got it in one there Arieal!
You do seem to take things far too personally and as a result get angry and defensive. Whether that's a result of the abuse you've suffered and seeing yourself as a "victim" or not being able to trust people I don't know.

It would help if you tried to extend the human kindness you want from people to others. It's no good generalising and lumping people together as "snooty" or "middle class" and writing them off.

Everyone to an extent is a result of their circumstances. Often someone who is shy is labeled as "off hand or snooty" when you know better than anyone that's far from the truth.

Mental health services are woefully lacking on the NHS but I agree you could request some CBT sessions to help change your thinking. That could really help your anxiety.

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 23:13

I tried CBT but got so angry with the therapist I had to stop going Confused

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/12/2017 23:18

It does seem to be a pattern Grin

Don't write off CBT though, it could help.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 05/12/2017 23:22

definitely a pattern of not liking authority figures/people trying to control you - incl the therapist. That's because your step-parent was abusive and parents are ultimate authority figures.

Finding the right therapy may help - not the one where they give you instructions.

justinelibertine · 05/12/2017 23:22

You're hard work, aren't you?

Otherwise, if are posting this from under a bridge and have a dirty great club resting on your knee, I'm both amused and saddened.

Saddened because you sound like my friend, who despite a good heart, intelligence and lots of help, has a chip on her shoulder like yours. Due to reasons I would not want to post, she has had a hard life and it has made her like this.

If you are real op, def try to seek help for anxiety.

If you don't like it here I suggest popping bavk to netmums.

And everyone knows it's rude to just say, "fine". Or do they? I hope you smile at her.

I am off to cancel a few cheques. Longest plavcemark thread ever.

Hermagsjesty · 06/12/2017 00:01

OP - I think you’ve had a really unnecessarily hard time on this thread. No one likes feeling talked down to. It’s understandable to be angry about the situation. But as others have said, you can’t change your consultant’s behaviour just find better ways to react to it. I really hope you get the help you deserve dealing with your anxiety and the traumas you’ve been through in the past. Good luck in your job search!

MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 00:55

How does this person greet others and how do they reply? Without doing in a 'creepy' manner are you able to observe their interactions? There could be something you see to give you an idea of where the problem lies.

Largebucket · 06/12/2017 01:25

If the woman is saying "I'm sorry" so you'll ask how she is then it's a strangely passive aggressive way of going about it. If she's supposed to be couching you, why wouldn't she just suggest to you that you do that? No hard to do in a "general couching"-y way.

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