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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why does this bother me?

244 replies

Arieal · 05/12/2017 19:15

A manager at work, (who can be difficult but haven't known her long, so trying to get on with her) has a thing where she will ask me how I am and I say 'fine' as you do, and she will reply 'I'm sorry?' in the snootiest way and make me repeat myself so I feel inferior and silly? It's such an innocuous question with only a bland reply expected so why do this... I do have a quiet voice but she manages to hear what else I say.. Am I being silly about this or does anyone else understand what I mean.

OP posts:

TheEdge266 · 05/12/2017 21:12

@PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon exactly what I was about to post. Baffling.

OP I'm not sure why you have this misguided opinion that everyone on mumsnet is middle-class and everyone who has manners must not have parent issues.

You do really sound like hard work. What is the point on posting to AIBU and not accept it when people tell you that you are being unreasonable?

Good luck with your job search.

Original poster

Arieal · 05/12/2017 21:12

Yes gingergenuis, I do resent that anyone has any power or control or having to answer to them, I hate it and just want to be able to answer to myself and be in complete control of my life, I would work for myself if I had any skills, just to be independent.

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/12/2017 21:14

I'll add that you'll always meet people superior to you in life. I've had nice bosses and some that are patronising arseholes.

You can't let it bother you. It's just life. You can't change how they are so be the bigger person and don't take the bait.

EUnamechange · 05/12/2017 21:15

But you do have power! By communicating in different ways you can get different outcomes. You can influence people.

90% of the time I am in some degree of physical pain, sometimes quite intense. I take 4 different types of painkillers. I have MH issues. Many many days I really don't feel like engaging with people, but it's my job and I switch it on. I have to get countries to work with me. If I'm friendly and polite and helpful, and follow that country's cultural etiquette even if I find it utterly bonkers, (or even rude), then we have a good working relationship and that country wants to cooperate. If I go into a meeting, don't respond in the accepted way, or just respond in the way I think is right, then I won't get very far at all.

Original poster

Arieal · 05/12/2017 21:17

I know not everyone on mumsnet isn't middle class obviously, it's just the general feeling on here, compared to netmums for example. My parents were working class but bettered themselves with work, my estranged sister is now definitely middle class whereas I'm now the underclass .

OP posts:

melj1213 · 05/12/2017 21:17

I only posted to see if it was me with my quiet voice or her being a snotty cow, from most of the smug, superior reactions on this I'm guessing it's her

Then you've guessed wrong ... and yes I have been unemployed and attended the jobcentre far more often than I'd like to have needed to, before you accuse me of being too "middle class" (first time I've heard that as an insult!)

It is common courtesy to respond to someone's greeting of "How are you?" with some form of answer which ends with the question being reciprocated. It is supposed to form a little bit of chit chat and conversation to let you get settled before launching into the business at hand.

When I was at jobcentre appointments my advisor would call attendees over to her desk and then the "how are you this week?" chit chat was had whilst she got the files sorted out and while I (and the others) got ourselves settled - hanging coats on chair, getting paperwork out etc - so by the time the chit chat was done we were both ready to start properly. It also meant that any attendees who had been having issues that week could get it out there and they could take that into consideration (eg "How are you this week?" "I've had better weeks - I had an awful migraine on Monday and Tuesday, which is why my jobsearch is a bit sparse on those days as I couldn't look at screens, but otherwise not too bad.)

mumonashoestring · 05/12/2017 21:18

Your current advisor may just have a different style to your previous ones - that doesn't mean she's doing anything wrong. Part of what she's trying to do is equip you to find work, yes? If you walk into an interview and your interviewer introduces themselves and asks how you are, saying "fine" and clamming up won't come across as well as someone who might reply with "I'm fine thank you, and you?". You can be the loveliest person in the world once someone gets to know you, but if you come across as surly or disinterested on first impression do you think they're going to make the effort to recruit you, train you and just hope there's some social skills in there somewhere?

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 05/12/2017 21:19

I reported you a while ago btw, as you are clearly just into winding people up. Byeeee

Ffs, get a bloody life. Why are you reporting this thread? It's like schoolkids telling tales to the teacher.

Original poster

Arieal · 05/12/2017 21:19

I am listening to what people have said, not the insults and judging which theres no need for, I will try and change how I reply to her, it's just an awkward feeling I get with her.

OP posts:

OhNoOhNo · 05/12/2017 21:19

When I see people I know, they say how are you and i say how are you back? I do know this smile.

So do the same to this advisor, OP? It's like you think you're losing pride by being decent to her.

And in your OP, you say you reply with a 'fine', but now you say you reply with a 'fine, thanks'. Which is it?

becotide · 05/12/2017 21:20

Yes I did read your post, Arieal, the one where you stated other advisers have been fine. I also read the post from someone else, explaining to you that MOST of the time, people will tolerate a lack of social skills but SOMETIMES you will run into someone who won't.

This adviser is the one who won't tolerate your lack of social skills. As has already been explained repeatedly and at length.

You not wanting someone else to be in control of you is your issue and it's tough shit. She IS in charge of you. It's literally her job to help you to be employable. Smile, eye contact, voice match, engage.

Try.

Original poster

Arieal · 05/12/2017 21:22

I don't feel comfortable with her to do chit chat, I'm not really one for small talk, prefer to talk about serious problems and my terrible life , but I will try to be more positive in my response to her.

OP posts:

user1497997754 · 05/12/2017 21:23

I have been told on more than one occasion that FINE stands for Female, Insecurem Neurotic and Emotional....both times by men.....

Original poster

Arieal · 05/12/2017 21:23

I always say fine thanks anyway, now I will say I'm fine thank you with a smile but can't say how are you, because nobody does that and it would sound fake.

OP posts:

JustHereForThePooStories · 05/12/2017 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BGD2012 · 05/12/2017 21:24

Oh bless you sound really frustrated with your circumstances. If you want to work for yourself can't you ask your advisor to help you get the skills you need? What work do you want to do?

EUnamechange · 05/12/2017 21:28

Going to throw something else in:

You've mentioned that her response to your 'fine' answer reminds you of the rude consultant (yes he was rude, no excuses). Now that (the consultant) happened at a time when you were under considerable pressure, very anxious about your child. What may be happening here, from a psychological viewpoint, is that this response from your coach is acting as a trigger, bringing up the fear and resentment that the consultant provoked at a time when you were already scared. So your reactions to your coach are out of proportion for what is happening in the present, that is colouring your response/lack of response to her, and she reacts badly accordingly.

A pyschologist might say that the initial event (sick child) was to some degree traumatic. It's known that people who suffer a trauma at a time when they aren't supported are more likely to have ongoing effects. The similarity in the questions is triggering a stress response to the original trauma.

I have some personal experience: A bullying boss who was very unsupportive after I experienced a serious trauma. Then a new job, and one day a new boss who acted in some ways a bit like that bullying boss. I always over-reacted to the new boss, because the feelings she called up were triggering and brought back memories of the old bullying boss, and the traumatic events around that time.

What do you think?

NC4now · 05/12/2017 21:28

OP, this is not a class issue. Honestly. I’m working class. I’ve signed on. At one point I was signing on in one of the roughest parts of Liverpool. The benches were bolted to the floor.
My circumstances have changed significantly since then, fortunately, but I don’t take them for granted. There may be a time I’m back there again. I’m not above the Jobcentre.
I find the idea that you don’t need to be polite to the advisor strange. She’s there to do a job, which is to coach you back to work.
It’s got a lot tougher since my dole days. If you give the impression you don’t want to engage, they aren’t going to be impressed.
I’m sorry this woman makes you feel this way, but try speaking to her more openly and you might find you get on better with her, and she helps you back to work.
That’s what you want, isn’t it?

Original poster

Arieal · 05/12/2017 21:30

Erm my family were abusive, my stepfather used to punch and strangle me, I would be locked out of the house and made to eat my meals alone, please do not say things like that about people, you have no idea at all.

OP posts:

CheeriosEverywhere · 05/12/2017 21:31

but can't say how are you, because nobody does that and it would sound fake
Of course they do, are you not paying attention?

Why are you going to such extreme lengths to justify a small lapse in manners? It's no big thing in itself. Your reaction is bizarre though.

gingergenius · 05/12/2017 21:33

@Arieal that's very sad and no child should be put through that. But you are an adult now with kids of your own and you gave the capacity to seek help for your past traumas.

Please see your GP - and take the well intentioned advice on here.

Original poster

Arieal · 05/12/2017 21:34

I'm not a martyr either, you vile person, I'm trying to explain myself the best I can, I haven't had a nice life but I'm trying to improve it, I've got a sense of humour and I'm kind!

OP posts:

Katedotness1963 · 05/12/2017 21:35

I always say fine thanks anyway, now I will say I'm fine thank you with a smile but can't say how are you, because nobody does that and it would sound fake.

I think most people reply with "fine, thanks, how are you". Isn't that what 99% of replies here have said? I'm getting really confused as this thread goes on...

Original poster

Arieal · 05/12/2017 21:35

I meant nobody in the jobcentre, everyones pissed off at being in there.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 05/12/2017 21:35

now I will say I'm fine thank you with a smile but can't say how are you, because nobody does that

You literally need to add one word to your sentence to make it polite and reciprocate the question.

Adviser: How are you?
OP: Fine thanks, you?

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