Why does this bother me?

[Arieal]

A manager at work, (who can be difficult but haven't known her long, so trying to get on with her) has a thing where she will ask me how I am and I say 'fine' as you do, and she will reply 'I'm sorry?' in the snootiest way and make me repeat myself so I feel inferior and silly? It's such an innocuous question with only a bland reply expected so why do this... I do have a quiet voice but she manages to hear what else I say.. Am I being silly about this or does anyone else understand what I mean.

everyone knows it's rude to just say, "fine". Or do they?

I'd just say "fine" or "I'm all right" to a job coach as I'd expect them to want to get on with what we're supposed to be doing, not have a chat.
I might be odd too, though.

I agree, just "fine" sounds rude and closes down any conversation. I always answer "been better" or "good thanks, you?"

She shouldn't make an issue of it, however if I were her I'd stop asked no how you were!

my pfb ds went to a child minder and when I picked him up and asked how he had been, she always just said "fine", I hated it

Oh OP, where to start.

firstly, you ask 'Why does this bother me?'

I think that this woman, in a position of authority, is getting up your nose precisely because of her position of authority. I don't doubt that she might be annoying in her approach, but you've already admitted that she's probably trying to help you. and you are being rude and dismissive of her, and your opinion of her will be shining through loud and clear. I imagine she is completely vexed with you by now, in the short time she has had to deal with you.

So overall, I think you have a problem with respecting or responding to authority. you rebel! However, while that might be fine if you're a fifth form schoolgirl giving her maths teacher the Vs, it's rather unfortunate when you're a mother on benefits, and who is being obstructive to the person who could make it difficult for you to continue to receive those benefits. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!

I do sympathise with what you say re the consultant- I have had a similar experience, and some have an unfortunate bedside manner. I disagree with the PP who said that it's not a relevant observation for you to make. I think it is relevant, because your response to that medical situation seems a very primal reptilian 'fight or flight' impulse, and I suspect that a similar flight reaction is being provoked in you by this job centre person. It is common in stressful situations for previous trauma to be triggered. you have my sympathies for what must have been an awful time for you.

however, you are in the wrong here, you must see that. You are also very 'woe is me', and perhaps nobody can blame you for that- it sounds like you've really been through it.

however, in the nicest possible way, I'd urge you to get a grip. Your attitude towards authority is not mature and it will hold you back if you don't get a hold of it. Maybe treating your anxiety is a good place to start? But really, I really think you need to change your attitude towards people in authority and be less self-pitying and more proactive.

I

This is a wind up, right?

Can you try calling her out on this? Make it explicit eg "I'm sorry - you seem to be making a point about how I've just responded to your question but I really don't understand what point you're making. Can you explain it please?"

I think you’re letting your anxiety get to you in this case.
She’s new and maybe hasn’t learned to talk to people properly yet. She might be coming across as snooty to hide her own insecurities.
The other advisors are maybe a bit more seasoned and can see you need a good relationship to get the most out of you.
You might have to be brave and ask her why she says ‘sorry’ like that, can she not hear you? Is your answer not enough? What does she expect from you?

I don’t think your consultant was deliberately bring an arse, in my experience they see these things and worse and have to be a little detached or they wouldn’t actually be very good at their jobs. Yes he should have told you first but they just look at patient notes and discuss not really thinking about you falling apart in the corner. For the future, you get better care from the nurses, befriend them and get them to hold your hand and explain things to you or be with you if you’re feeling out of your depth.
I hope it gets better for you.

try asking your wc how she is after her question its common courtesy and it will help in interviews etc. as well as building up your confidence in talkiing

What baileyscheesecake said

I know from painful experience how even the bland and seemingly innocuous question ‘How are you?’ Can trigger unpleasant feelings. I think if you are going through LOTS of shit the last thing you want to do is have questions asked with no detectable sincerity regarding wanting an honest response. ESPECIALLY by your WC. Sometimes social niceties aren’t an easy game to play for some people.
You must be going through a terrible time to feel like this OP. Sorry I can’t spare the time to read all pages.
Maybe try to take a step back if you possibly can...
Do you manage to get any other adult company much? Light-hearted, friends?
Those who haven’t been through the living nightmare that is claiming Jobseekers can’t imagine how humiliating and stressful it can be.
I don’t see how anyone could do the WC job and truly consider themselves a good person, in the current climate.
OP I hope things get better for you. Do whatever you can to protect and increase your self esteem.
Using middle class as an insult isn’t helping you here but you must realise that.

It's really strange how, long after the Op has addressed criticisms by saying she doesn't always 'get' other people, wonders about her own self-perception, and says she is going to change her approach, posters still make comments based on things the Op said five pages ago. Almost as if they haven't read the full thread..............

Hi Ariel, I know first hand how different Job Centre advisors can be! I've had some lovely ones who I still chat to when I see them, and some that I'd rather not ever see again too!
I think that the best way around this is to take the reigns back from her and when you get called over, immediately say "hi Maureen, how are you?" She'll then say "fine thanks, how are you?" And you can then say "yes, fine thanks" back.
Take the power back in the conversation.

I've just done a confidence course with my local adult education centre which I found really helpful xx

Try and get out of this loop OP. Instead of the "how are you/ fine/ I'm sorry" dance you need to mix it up a bit. It's become a thing and you're hyperfocusing on it and it's not healthy for you. Drop something else in when she says how are you, such as " I'd be great if I'd remembered my umbrella/ hadn't tripped up outside etc etc. Try to be a little more confident, fake it if you need to.

DonkeyOil, I've read the whole thread. I commented on the original "I'' sorry" business because I had thoughts specifically on that.

Two thoughts. Firstly,

I think you need urgent help (counselling and maybe medication) via your GP to deal with your (obviously deep-rooted) depression, anxiety and issues caused by childhood abuse. You won't get anywhere with jobs, relationships or happiness going forward otherwise.

Secondly, I think you and one previous poster are right. You don't seem to understand people and you are clearly not aware of social norms or of how you come across to others (eg on this forum!) - classic signs of autism/Aspergers. I would ask your GP to explore this at the same time as your chat about depression etc because it could explain a lot, solve a lot of the problems you've probably been battling all your life and open the door to a world of support and relief for you. Good luck! X

In any work place you may come across many people you find objectionable. Your responsibility as an adult is to accept that not everyone is the same, some people have off days and some people are downright rude!
You want the lady at the job centre, who is doing her job, encouraging you to find work after a period of absence, to accept you are quiet and reserved. You don't seem to want to accept who she is though?
And before you go on about middle class this, never been in a job centre that, I'm from a council estate and am currently unemployed!!
She's helping you prepare for work, maybe accept some help.....

My post wasn't aimed at you, Largebucket, (I haven't been recruited to the thread police!) it's just that it's annoying when some people continue to tell Op to 'get a grip', change her attitude and ask if the thread is a wind up, when Op has been posting and has reconsidered her stance pages ago.

Yes donkey. It's all a bit 'cancel the cheque'!

They'd hate me standing greeting is alright?