Why does this bother me?

[Arieal]

A manager at work, (who can be difficult but haven't known her long, so trying to get on with her) has a thing where she will ask me how I am and I say 'fine' as you do, and she will reply 'I'm sorry?' in the snootiest way and make me repeat myself so I feel inferior and silly? It's such an innocuous question with only a bland reply expected so why do this... I do have a quiet voice but she manages to hear what else I say.. Am I being silly about this or does anyone else understand what I mean.

I suspect your judgement is a bit off. There are all sorts on here. We all to a greater or lesser degree have troubles and struggles. Your attitude is just as judgemental as those on who whom you condemn.

No-one is saying you're a bad person. However some are saying that you might do well to put some work into homing your interpersonal skills.

Just a thought as well, to those agreeing it's ingrained etc, well who ingrained manners into you, most important people are your parents and if you've had awful parents then you won't get that.

“What bad behaviour??”

Being rude by not asking how she is, when she asks you.

Can’t be any clearer than that.

I reported you a while ago btw, as you are clearly just into winding people up. Byeeee

I have no idea

Ffs @Arieal stop. Lots of people on here have had awful parents, difficult upbringings and childhood difficulties. You sound petulant and just out for a bunfight now.

Has anyone noticed the hypocrisy of some posters here?

It's OK for the consultant being rude or not bothered with OP's feelings(which many agreed on) because he's a DOCTOR, but not ok for OP to be rude (even though she's not seriously rude at all, just slack with social manners partly due to depression possibly, but does get on with many advisors so can't be that bad). That's what she means re 'middle-class' forum.

I'm far from rich and middle class. What a laugh.

You're coming across as very defensive and angry, for whatever reason.
Be upfront - ask your advisor next time why she questions your reply. Eg, have I said something wrong?.. do you think I talk too quietly?.. or whatever.

All you're doing at the moment is imagining what she might be thinking and deciding you can't stand her and she's obviously got something against you.

I get it, life is shit, it's a nightmare trying to get a job and having a job centre meeting every week feels depressing as Hell.

Don't channel all that frustration onto your advisor.

She's not your friend, She doesn't have to be your friend.

Just try to be mature and professional about your meetings. Trust me that's a lot easier than analysing what she says and whether it's "personal".

I'm not rude! I have manners, I'm pleasant and polite, I am reserved, my younger son is the same, he's very quiet and it's been commented on at school, but once the teachers have got to know him they all agree he's lovely.

People have tried to help you, including your job centre adviser.

You really are just being rude.

The fact that you don't understand this just cements the certainty.

You are rocking up to the job centre, pissed off and disengaged. You act baffled at her attempts to engage you.

This isn't how the job centre works. YOU have to engage. They can't do it for you.

Grow up, OP. I'm not being flippant when I say that. You remind me of myself at 14. Grow up.

@LoveforPGTipsMonkey no one is saying the rude consultants are ok. But they are not posting on here asking for advice!

Reported me for having a different opinion and standing up for myself?

You could politely say, ‘I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to hear my reply when you ask me this question, and I’m puzzled about why that is. Would you mind explaining?’

Becotide, did you read what I posted previous about my other advisors and how I got on really well with them and how they helped me?

well who ingrained manners into you, most important people are your parents and if you've had awful parents then you won't get that

It's not difficult to do it anyway, even if you weren't taught as a child. Thats a cop out.

Its not a big deal in itself, at all. You refusing to admit to it and arguing about why you are right is why people are bristling about it.

@Arieal as per a previous comment, it sounds like your anxiety is getting the better of you. I hope that you find a way though this and find a way to feel less belittled and unhappy with your situation.

I suppose it's because they have power over me, the advisor can sanction me if she likes, and I have none and I don't like being reminded of that

Life's what you make it. Yours will never change.

OP I think the responses you've got on here are ridiculous. Although a lot of people do expect a reciprocal query back and if you suffer from anxiety you might (depending on the exact nature of your anxiety) benefit from following the convention, nevertheless you aren't obligated to make that sort of small talk and her criticising you in that way is incredibly rude, far ruder than any lack of reciprocation for a conversation you are not interested in engaging in.

Next time you could try turning it on her:
C: How are are you
U: Fine, thanks.
C: I'm sorry?
U: Oh? What for?

But given she's your coach that's not a great idea. Either suck it up and give her what she's looking for or keep doing what you're doing and accept that she's just rude.

She can’t sanction you “ if she likes “, she can refer for a sanction if you refuse to engage in work related activity .

It's not hypocrisy saying the consultant shouldn't have been rude, he was a professional, with years of experience, dealing with very ill children and their families. Who was I, just a young mum, but why did he have to be like that, he was the one who should have known better.

@Arieal that's actually a really important connection. You feel (understandably) resentful and looked down upon by someone you perceive may feel superior to you.

That's a major self esteem problem and again, that can be addressed by speaking to your gp. The defensiveness and frustration is a reaction to feelings of worthlessness. You do have to ask for help from your doctor.

I'm friendly and polite with people - I could even be described as 'cheery', and often have - but I can't be bothered with the whole business of "hello how are you, fine thanks how are you, also fine". It's just pointless noise. At work when colleagues approach my desk with a task or request, they force me to perform this pointless ritual before they tell me what job they want me to do. So yes, sometimes I do just say 'fine' and look at them expectantly, because I'd rather they just skipped to the useful bit (after checking it's OK to interrupt whatever I'm doing, which is a courtesy I do appreciate, but which is often sadly lacking)

Thank you BoomboomsCousin.

This is going in circles. Why won't you accept any criticism or advice? No one's perfect. Why not try some of the approaches suggested or did you want us all to say your advisor's a Complete Wanker?

The trouble seems to be that you want her to make an effort to get to know you, to be your friend and listen to your personal issues like maybe your other advisors have.

She perhaps wants to keep it as a professional meeting and is modelling it more on a job interview or work meeting with a senior.

It's good practice for you to encounter that. Think of it like that

OP I'm sorry this person makes you feel small - I was really shy as a kid and can remember what it was like to struggle to have my voice heard.

I'm not 100% clear on the context here though - as she's a work coach is she asking how you are just as a greeting, or is this a genuine conversation opener? If it's the latter, maybe she's expecting you to tell her how you actually are and when you just say "fine" or "fine thanks" it comes across like you're not engaging with her? If it's the former and it's a slightly passive aggressive way to get you to speak up, I'd be tempted to plaster on a grin and bellow out pleasantries...

Although I also wonder how much it's the nasty voice of your anxiety & depression stirring things up