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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does this bother me?

244 replies

Arieal · 05/12/2017 19:15

A manager at work, (who can be difficult but haven't known her long, so trying to get on with her) has a thing where she will ask me how I am and I say 'fine' as you do, and she will reply 'I'm sorry?' in the snootiest way and make me repeat myself so I feel inferior and silly? It's such an innocuous question with only a bland reply expected so why do this... I do have a quiet voice but she manages to hear what else I say.. Am I being silly about this or does anyone else understand what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:14

Yeah belittled is how I feel, almost like being back at school. Really though the other advisors don't do this and are down to earth, some are lovely and have helped me a lot and we have a chat... theres no need to act superior with people, which is how she comes across.

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 05/12/2017 20:14

Op, I don’t see what you are not understanding.
You are Being rude by not asking back how she is. It really pisses me off when I ask after someone and they just answer fine or fine thank you.

Next time you see her and she asks after you, try saying ‘I’m good thank you, and you?’ (Or similar) and see if she still responds with a pardon

Confused24 · 05/12/2017 20:15

Maybe ask if you can swap work coach if you found others were more useful and that you got on with them better?

TattyCat · 05/12/2017 20:16

Op, I'm sorry, but you're being a fuckwit. If you really, genuinely don't understand social etiquette then you'll be stuck on this lovely merrygoround, being 'bothered' by every situation.

  • It's nice to ask how someone is, whether they've asked you first or not.
  • They are unlikely to tell you their real troubles and will probably also confirm that they are "well, thank you for asking". To not return the social nicety is* rude, regardless of the status of the person asking you.

If it bothers you (as per your subject title) then do something to change it. You will find that most advice here so far, works.

gingergenius · 05/12/2017 20:17

@Arieal I overheard my consultant telling a gaggle of students that I nearly died from septic shock. He had t thought to share that information with me first. They can be quite ignorant of patients' feelings sometimes.

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:18

With my previous advisor she was down to earth and friendly, and though I'm shy and reserved, I told her about my son and his health problems and she has been really supportive, if I see her in there we will stop and have a talk. The same with other advisors, I would tell them about stuff and they would go out of their way to help. This advisor, I've not known her long, and she can be nice but I'm wary of her, especially with this thing I've posted about, which sounds petty but I don't feel I can be open with her.

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Chardonnaymoi · 05/12/2017 20:20

If you have anxiety why not fake it till you make it... so try practiscing responding 'yes very well thanks and you'? the more you do it the easier it will be and the more natural it will sound to you.

It will work wonders on people you interact with if you are just a bit more engaging.

Slartybartfast · 05/12/2017 20:21

next time - tell the truth, are you really fine? What happens next?
just say to her, "crap" if that is how you are?
or "great"
or "fed up"

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:21

I do understand social etiquette thanks.
Honestly the only two people I've ever had this problem with are her and the horrible consultant.
I'm not a 'fuckwit' either, never heard anyone say that in real life Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:24

I always say fine or okay thanks, even good or great sometimes Smile, I'm not one of these people who when asked start moaning or anything.

OP posts:
Inertia · 05/12/2017 20:26

Perhaps one of the things she's attempting to coach you to do is to adapt your responses according to social cues. If you were to work in a customer-facing role, for example, you would be expected to respond flexibly in customer interactions, and follow social customs such as reciprocating a greeting.

Chardonnaymoi · 05/12/2017 20:26

We're just trying to be helpful. I personally would think that 'fine' was a rude response if i'd asked the question. Perhaps others have felt the same and not mentioned it to you (apart from the 'horrible' consultant')

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 05/12/2017 20:26

You really don’t seem to understand what people are telling you right now though OP.
You don’t want to seem to accept that the consultant may think you are rude by not returning the ‘how are you’. It’s a simple thing to try. It may not stop it BUT trying it could solve your issue in your OP

MoreThanJustANumber · 05/12/2017 20:27

In your OP you said you were trying to get on with her. If that's the case then asking how she is would be a good start. If you're wanting a job then common courtesy would be a useful skill and here's a great place to start.

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:28

Ive been doing online dating, and started loads of chats with how are you, yeah I'm fine are you etc, till one goes in reply yeah just recovering from a little operation down there ... not appropriate at all and that was the end of the conversation.

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DeadGood · 05/12/2017 20:28

“I always say fine or okay thanks, even good or great sometimes smile, I'm not one of these people who when asked start moaning or anything.”

Are you for real? YOU AREN'T LISTENING. No one is accusing you of moaning/being too honest when asked “how are you?”

We are saying you aren’t reciprocating. Saying “fine thanks” isn’t polite. Saying “fine thanks, how are you?” is. Do you see the difference?

RedSkyAtNight · 05/12/2017 20:30

If she's your work coach then surely encouraging you to speak up and be less mono-syllabic is part of her job? These things will affect the way you come across at an interview. Agree with others that she should probably tell you more directly though.

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:30

Wow sorry to offend the consultant! He was the professional wasn't he?

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PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 05/12/2017 20:30

Arieal you really are hard work Xmas Hmm

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 05/12/2017 20:31

I can see why you are unemployed

Was there really any need for that^? Disgraceful comment!

DeadGood · 05/12/2017 20:32

Arieal I think “the nasty consultant” was mentioned because you keep bringing it up, and how ill your son was, when it’s really not relevant to the thread.

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:33

Please read what I said about my other advisors... there is no need in a job dealing with people with all kinds of problems to be snotty and superior with people, she also made a friend of mine (who is really ill and shouldnt be on JSA) cry with her attitude. So many of you on this have got your own agendas with your patronising lectures on manners.

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gingergenius · 05/12/2017 20:34

With the kindest of tones, you do some nd a bit like retire OP, but anxiety can have that effect. Perhaps see your gp for some support x

EUnamechange · 05/12/2017 20:35

OK, in my role I have to be something of an expert on etiquette in different cultures, including my own. In English culture, as many PP have already said, 'how are you?' is not normally a question about health, it's actually part of a standard greeting formula.
"How are you?"
"Fine, thanks. You?"

It would actually be a break of etiquette for you to reply with a full list of your problems (only do that for people you trust, know well and actually care. And usually that question would be asked with a different tone of voice: 'How are you?', or 'How are you, really?').

I think this is what your new boss might be getting at. It's possibly riling her up, as it does come over as rude if you don't do your part of the greeting ceremony. Or she might be concerned about how it's coming over to the clients. On which note, everyone, at whatever level, is deserving of respect and politeness. I'm as friendly and polite with an Ambassador as I am with the ticket inspector on the train and the receptionist at the Embassy.

TattyCat · 05/12/2017 20:35

If someone consistently responds this way (and never returns the question) to my friendly enquiry of 'how are you' then I'd assume that they were completely self absorbed and therefore I probably wouldn't bother giving them too much of my time or feel that I wanted to put much effort into helping if he/she was only concerned about his/herself. The point is, it normally comes naturally to return the question without any thought.

We help people more when they make us feel good, by nature. And making someone feel good is generally asking that person about his/herself and appearing as though you care, even if you don't. Do you think that the person asking you how you are cares how you really are? Do they want to hear you say "no, actually, I'm not ok. Please sit and listen to me have a moan for the next 10 minutes

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